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Abdiel
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(Based on 10 ratings)
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Views: 461
Comments: 224
Comments: 224
Created 3 years, 3 months ago
Edited 3 months, 3 weeks ago
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Also, I'm sure there are others out there with the name "Samuel Jackson", A.T.
But, at the same time, you're right. A picture of Sam Jackson as Nick Fury flashed in my mind when I read that.
Damnit, on second thought, you may want to change it... : )
I really want to read more.
I know you said you wanted to make this stop motion animation, but i think it would also make a real good normal film.
Which ever way you go I wish you luck. (I read this as its no clowns in it)
Dawn
As for the "adultness" of stop motion.
In quotes because I question the words: adult, mature and grown up. Constantly.
I would check out the band Tool('s) video for "Sober"....
Gumby it ain't.
Flippin brilliant stuff.
Most of their videos are.
Namaste,
Greg
Watched the video, I loved it! I was definitely leaning toward making it stop motion or using the quality they used for Beowulf. I'm not sure what it's called though.
Also, I think this would work using the tecnology they used for "waking Life" and "A Scanner Darkly" where they film the movie regulary, but then "draw" over it (if that makes sense) giving it this very weird, but surreal look and feel. I love those two movies. Check him out if you havent already.
EXT
Its actually
EXT. DEEP END OF THE WOODS - NIGHT
Also when we first meet a character cap his name.
Minimal little formating details.
My only gripe is with the opening. I think we need more tension in it and a bit more description. Maybe Leviticus catches a rodent or a bird and starts to eat it or something. Just something that hooks us is important in a horror film. The most defining moments in a genre like that are its opening sequences. Watch the opening of Jaws. Its a great opening for a horror. Keep it up man! I'm going to keep an eye on this one.
thought I would come by and see how this was going. Wow its finished I will have to carry on later and re read some more.
I really am enjoying this.
Dawn
You've got us hooked from the beginning so I wouldn't worry about that at all, but if you have characters with dialogue you have to give them name. A person is going to being playing those roles and something ubscure as "mother" isn't enough for them. Its really important because I got lost when the Private Investigator turns out to be Elijah.
Abdiel needs more info. We only hear his voice over but know nothing of the character outside of the dialogue. This is another instance of "show not tell" We need something. Something that describes him.
The first 10 to 12 pages are great. You do a great job setting up the world of these characters. My only thing is I lose who is the CENTRAL character of the story. Is it Abdiel, is the boy Aden or the private investegator Elijah. We need a driving force here. This screen play reminds me alot of the anime AKIRA. mainly because we don't see AKIRA till the end. He's only whispered about much like Abdiel.
I'm on page 30 and will pick it up again. I scanned through the rest of it real quikc but I won't comment on those parts.
" A shadow stands alone near the three..." Three of what here?
*Is this story about Milton's Paradise lost? I'm seeing some connections here?*
The first time I read through this I kept thinking that I've heard that name Abidel before but couldn't remember from where. It was when I was packing my books I was putting away my copy of Paradise lost and skimmed through it and was like THERE IT IS!
Looking at the ratings though, It should be pretty friggin awesome.
I've been jumping back and forth and to and fro, between my work and this script and Gun...so it's taken me a minute to spit out that you're
A Friggin Genius.
So thank you,
Heather
But I'm watching just the same.
-H
maybe 2-d or 3-d
but rotoscoping is an awesome effcect
D
Noted page 1 a typo and spelling mistake.
You write.
He is short and bulky, with a slight tail poking out on his backside. His face is slightly shriveled.
Should read..
He is short and bulky, with a slight tail poking out OF his backside. His face is slightly SHRIVELLED.
I also dont think you need to use AS WELL in the next action line, just 'his fingers are covered in dirt and blood.' Is enough.
Page 2, you over use your exclamation marks. And I was once told never to use them with question marks. Your dialogue should speak for itself with out having to over punctuate.
Page 3.
You have abdiel on a roof top yet in an action line, it says he is in a room?
Page 4
Bottom of, no need to say 'He asks the first question' as its obvious he asks a question when he speaks.
Page 5. You write...
Richard looks at Elijah with a glow in his eyes that shows his lack of approval. He looks back to the rest of the townsmen in the hall. He hangs his head, looking at the floor beside Elijah.
How can a glow in the eyes show lack of approval. This sounds awkward, and makes him sounds sort of alien. I think just shakes his head disapprovingly. Would prob be enough.
Page 6. You have Samuel appearing in the middle of a scene when he is already sat there. All people named in a scene should be described in the opening action lines. Then you don't get people popping up from all over the place in the scene.
Bottom of page 7 beginning of 8.
No need to have the full name in character format, just first names are easier on the eyes.
Last action line in this scene on page 8 you repeat machetes in it, no need you can just say they leave the store with the bag.
Page 10.
A crowd of people burst into the church. Seeing as Richard and Elijah Bartholemew, are three of them, they need to be introduced into the scene.
here.
I read to page 12, there were a couple of parts where you missed commas. but Im sure you will catch them in a good edit.
Hope these notes help. I will come back to it at another time.
Dawn
D
"The child's parents are standing in the doorway weeping"
"The child's parents stand in the door way and weep."
Saying that they "Stand" is much stronger than "are standing" same goes for "weeping" versus "weep".
lol. I know. This is only one comment. I just poked my head in to see what was going on, started reading the first few pages and this stood out. So I thought I'd comment.
I just finished the first act of Adv. in Grave Digging. Woot!! lol. It's coming along SO slowly...
I want to say something. This is kind of confusing. I like it, it's just kind of confusing. I understand Abdiel is the savior of the children and that Leviticus and Gomorrah are his brothers and they are truly evil and they kill little kids. However there are so many characters running around doing their own thing that it's hard to see a who the MAIN one is. Is it Elijah or is it the little frost boy or is it Abdiel? At this point I'm unclear as to who the movie actually about.
I like the dialogue, it's kind of Shakespeare-ian which I like. I also like Abdiel and how conflicted he is by having his father and brothers evil. You've got some great characters.
Also even though you said to disregard the stop motion thing but as I read it I was actually imagining it like a Nightmare Before Christmas kind of thing but set in the dreary setting of... The Corpse Bride. and I know that you said you just want it to be dull and not very imaginative however I think Aaron is right. You should probably describe some of the locations a little bit more, hell even a "The town is dull and gray, unimaginative and surrounded by mist" would suffice. Hell it'd work wonders.
So like I said only in 46 pages so I'll finish as soon as I get these ideas together.
The dialogue is great throughout and it actually comes to a high note at the end.
speaking of the end. I kinda feel jipped hahaha. The climax just didn't seem.... right to me. kind of like... there wasn't one. No it's not that it just doesn't really seem like it should be. I was expecting something more.. epic? Yeah it's almost as if you kinda coped out, because the villains just kind of leave. there really just doesn't seem like there is a climax.
Other than that I think I said it all the during the first part.
Now I think that you can add some to the climax and make it a little more epic. as well as add some more to the scenery cuz again nothing is really explained (area wise).
Not my favorite work of yours but good none the less.
They reminded me of the clown and demon in DemonClown. which by the way made me cringe to no ends. hahaha you're too much for me. I don't think I could ever watch any of your horror movies hahaha
D
you could maybe say something like 'he steps in what seems like a puddle, but as he pulls his foot out the liquid sticks to his foot drips off.
or something similar. But you can maybe add it in as a side note.
i.e he steps in a puddle but as he pulls his foot out the liquid (SALIVA) sticks to his foot and drips off.
just a thought
shame on you lol.
Dawn
lmao. I thought that the names were Sodom and Gomorrah specifically because they were sexual names. lol. Good stuff.
Let me know when you want a read through again, and I will oblige. I'm routing for you on this one.
Dawn
I am looking at this as though I don't know the story, so here are my questions and points.
I like the new scene opening, but when it comes to Leviticus. I think his description is too long, and I don't get why his hair being long and white needs to be on a different line. I think you did that because you would have gone over four. I would re think this, and get the description in the same action paragraph, and down to less than four lines.
It just looks odd being on a line all of its own.
Also if he has been chomping and licking up blood its pretty safe to say he is covered in it, so why not simply say that.
The other few scenes, where Elijah reveals abdiel as the hero, i sort of go ooooohhh who is this guy.
I am interested.
I think adding in the last page the bit with the couple in the shop buying machetes is good adds to the tension.
I think in the first ten pages, are a good hook. I didn't notice any grammar or other mistakes.
I will be back later hun, am on all night.
Dawn
Only one thing I will dare to suggest is that concerning the Child's V/O within the opening scenes, I think it could show a bit of action there. Either what the child is talking about or the man walking down the street disappearing into the distance, I dunno, I Just think it would come across more clearer if you added a touch more visual there.
Same again, when Aden is reading the poem, the images are so intense that I personally would love to see these on the screen rather than hear the words spoken.
Obviously it's another great piece, and I loved it all..I'll finish it off soon..along with Gun. 5/5....of course!!!
Scary as hell!!
When Aden reads the poem on the bathroom wall... it's a good idea to maybe give a flashback sequence as he is reading of the battle between Abdiel and the demons. Good point, there. Thanks for the read, man.
INT. SMALL TOWN HOUSE - NIGHT
When you introduce Elijah...
Is it necessary to the storyline that Elijah is short? Absolutely CRUCIAL!? I mean, what if by some amazing chance an actor like Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Whalberg, Matt Damon, etc. etc. read this screenplay and wanted to play the part. If they read the short part, they might consider themselves too tall to play the part. Sure, with special effects it could be done but are you willing to take the risk that a Top Name might pass over this part because of the word "short"? Something to think about.
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Ok you say that we are in a child's bedroom but your slugline is a SMALL TOWN HOUSE, these two pieces of information are contradictory. At the very least, make A CHILD'S BEDROOM a secondary headline. Maybe you could start with an EXT. of the SMALL TOWN HOUSE then move to INT. SMALL TOWN HOUSE - BEDROOM. Establish that it's a child's bedroom through narrative description.
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Don't forget to CAP the parents the first time we see them.
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If this was done then you could change the opening narrative paragraph to..
ELIJAH, 40's, private investigator, backs into a corner. PARENTS, in the doorway, weeping.
That's a bit tighter. Saves some space. Keep it lean, keep it tight. Just a suggestion.
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If this were my screenplay, I'd rework Elijah's opening dialogue to make it tighter, giving only the crucial information. As it reads now, I have to slow down and really READ IT. That shouldn't happen. I should be able to read quick and smooth. Here's I'd rework it...
ELIJAH
These puddles of blood.
(looks up)
They're the only comprehensive signs we'll gather.
Now here's what I cut and why... WHAT YOU DID HAVE
Well, there are these dime sized puddles of blood leaking here from the ceiling. These are the only really comprehensive signs that we will be able to gather from these events.
WHAT I DID...
The most important information in the first sentence is the puddles of blood. The rest is filler. For me, it wasn't crucial information to know the puddles were dime sized. I put in a wryly (look up) to substitute the part about the ceiling. If the actor looks up, we'll know the blood is coming from the ceiling. For the next sentence, I really just eliminated a bunch of extra words. We as writers have to be careful not to make the dialogue TOO PERFECT/EDUCATED. Know what I mean? Because the dialogue becomes long and drawn out. I simply eliminated the filler in the last sentence and left the crucial information. I left in comprehensible because I felt that would be a tip off for the actor about the character Elijah, as well as the reader. This is just how I'd do it though.
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When Elijah walks over to the desk...
Eliminate that it's AGAINST A WALL. Most desks are not in the center of a room. Right? Right. We'll know that the desk is against a wall without having being told it is. When Elijah lifts the cross... elminate the word AND and put in a comma. It's a small change but it matters.
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When Elijah says...
Well, I have seen this before. The children are gone.
You COULD make it a bit tighter, like this...
ELIJAH
I've seen this before. Children...gone.
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In this narrative line...
Elijah pulls out a handkerchief and wipes a bit from a smudge of blood off of the wall beside the window.
I got a bit confused with the "and wipes a bit from a smudge." I'd definitely rewrite that part. Maybe...
Elijah pulls out a handkerchief, wipes blood from the wall.
He's already by the window. We know this because we were just told that. You don't have to write it again in THIS narrative line that he's by the window, or that that's where the blood is by. Know what I mean.
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I'd trim up this line of dialogue from Elijah...
If that is what you like to call them. We all have our own theories.
...try this.
If that's what you'd call them. We all have theories.
It only trims it up a bit but hey! every bit counts right. :)
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In this bit of narrative description
Elijah makes his way to the door. He steps in a small puddle of a clear liquid, lifts his shoe, and examines it.
Elijah looks onto the back end of the door and sees the same liquefied substance dripping from the door knob.
I'd trim it like so...
Elijah walks to the door, stepping in a puddle. He stops, lifts his shoe to examine it.
He looks at the door. The same liquid drips from the knob.
That's how I'd do it. Do my changes make sense to you? Again, I took out all the unnecessary information and let the CRUICAL stuff. It's tighter, it reads faster, and that's what you want.
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Then there's this next narrative paragraph...
He turns and looks to the parents as they continue to mourn in the corner of the bedroom.
This can be trimmed as well. We already know we're in the bedroom so that's redundant. You don't need to say that he turns to look at the parents because if this is actually made into a film, the actor will turn to the parents either way. Is it important that they're in the corner? Try this for the narrative paragraph instead...
The Mother sobs loudly.
That's it! That's all you need. It gets the point across. Short and sweet. But that's just how I'd do it.
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For Elijah's next bit of dialogue...
Sorry for your loss. We will all be worried, soon enough.
Make "we will", "we'll". This is small but it'll make the read smoother and faster.
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For your next narrative paragraph...
He exits, closing the door behind him.
Eliminate "behind him." This is redundant. What, is the door gonna close in front of him haha? Know what I mean. It's not necessary to write in "behind him."
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For the poem...
I got lost a bit in this bit of dialogue. It slowed my read up. Also the Thomas and Barclay got REALLY REALLY repetitive. A little too much for my tastes but that's just me. Is there anyway you can condense this??
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OKAY. So this was just the first scene. Just the first one! If I were getting paid to review this and really nitpick it apart even more, I'd continue on like this for your entire screenplay. But I'm not, so I won't. I'd recommend looking at my comments and applying what I've done to every single scene. What I recommened will make your screenplay tighter, faster, and easier for your reader. That's what you want. If you take what I've done with this first scene and add it to the rest, *whistles*, you'll have one slick screenplay. However, all of this is just my opinion. It's how I'd write it. So obviously, you may disagree. We all write differently. To each his own. At this point, I'm going to simply read. I'll read the rest of the screenplay and then write any additional comments when I'm done. Good luck! :)
Don't be redundant in sluglines, dialogue, or narrative lines.
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Don't direct the actor! If you think something is the slightest bit questionable, eliminate it. I found quite a few instances throughout the screenplay where this happened.
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There are TOO many characters TOO fast! 15 characters in the first 10 pages! In the first ten! That's too much information for the reader to remember. You're asking them to remember your storyline as well as all these characters? That's too much, it's overkill. Are all these characters CRUCIAL? If not, give them nick names like MAYOR, STORE CLERK, GLASSES, CRUTCHES, etc. etc. I had to keep going back into the beginning to figure out who was who. This shouldn't happen. Ever.
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In narrative/action/descriptive paragraphs, be sure to capitalize your characters - "reverend" to "Reverend"
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Don't use italics. Ever. It's not proper form in a spec script.
--The Screenwriter's Bible by David Trottier, c. 2005, pg 124
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Page 34...
Fix second narrative paragraph. It's confusing.
"ripping a normal man in the middle into pieces"
What??
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Page 39...
Adens dialogue changes - It becomes VERY adult. It isn't suited for the character you've established in the previous pages. Something to look at.
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Page 41...
I was confused when Elijah looks at the porch step. Abdiel is gone. Did Elijah see Abdiel? What's going on here? Can you see how this can be confusing?
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Page 45...
Check Rev. Billingsworth's dialogue
Commingling?? Check the narrative lines also. Genuflects??
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Page 48...
Jack's dialogue. "What say we do now" Huh??
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Bottom of page 49 and then page 50...
If this little girl is really Lucinda, then in the dialogues character cue - it needs to be established as so. Use a SLASH. LITTLE GIRL/LUCINDA. Eliminate any confusion here.
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Page 51...
Your formatting for a dream is not correct. You have to establish the dream, then write in the slugline, and then when it's done ... END DREAM/BACK TO PRESENT DAY.
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Bottom of page 53 and top of page 54...
The bit about the daggere was confusing. What is the deal with this? Either give us more information or cut it. If it is crucial to the story explain it! As it stands now, i'm not so sure if it is.
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Middle of page 54...
Belial's dialogue...
Who is Azriel (at this point, the reader doesn't know)?? Explain this more or edit it in the character cue using a SLASH. Don't confuse the reader.
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Make sure to take any character's age out of parenthesis.
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With so many characters, it was hard to keep the AGES straight visually. It got confusing at the end when people started dying. I was like "wait, hich person was that again. I thought they were this person." Don't let this happen. Remember we need clarity.
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Page 55, 56...
In a conversation Leon and Elijah have...they discuss a child and Samuel. Elijah "he lost a girl." Leon "he NEVER lost a child."
But then on page 62...
Elijah calls Samuel his brother. Brother like what?? (at this point the reader doesn't know the relationship, I realize it's explained later). Biological or friend? If they are biological brothers then the information on page 55,56 is contradictory. How?? If they are biological brothers then Elijah should know that Samuel NEVER lost a child. Unless this is a secret we are about to learn about or unless Leon is mistaken. Either way, this needs straightening out. We need clarity. There is no continuity here and I was left confused. Don't let this happen.
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Top of page 64...
Belial's dialogue - Did you mean "show them the BOWELS of hell"??? BOUGHS is a tree branch. Something to look at.
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Top of page 68...
Elijah's line "because it is too quiet over there" This needs to be reworked. It doesn't sound right at all. All this stuff is happening around them. All these sounds would be happening right? How would they be able to hear if anything is QUIET? Really now haha.
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Page 70...
Elijah screams after Aden "Abdiel. Abdiel" What??!! Does he see Abdiel? Does he think Aden IS Abdiel? This needs to be clarified. I was confused when I shouldn't be.
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Bottom of page 85, top of 86...
Ok if Mayor Stanforth is really someone else, you need to establish this earlier via MAYOR STANFORTH/ERAN. The shock value will still hold on page 88 even if you establish this earlier on. At this point it's confusing. Don't let this happen!!
When Mayor Stanforth/Eran reveals himself, I feel like it happens TOO fast and TOO easy. Build this up more! I mean this is BIG NEWS!! Don't reveal it so quickly! Give it the time it deserves!
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Bottom of 86, top of 87...
With the reveal that Abdiel/Azriel is Samuel and Elijah's uncle...
It happens TOO FAST!! Build this up man! This is HUGE INFORMATION! Give it the time it deserves. Make it dramatic. :)
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Top of page 88...
Why does Belial throw Aden to the ground and then let him join Abdiel, Elijah, and Samuel??? After he just went through the trouble to capture him...
This is a bit contradictory. Know what I mean. Clear this up.
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Bottom of page 90...
the "battle" ... they just DISAPPEAR!! WHAT??!?!?!?!!! Everything has been leading up to this and this is how you end the demons reign of terror?? Come on now. This DEFINITELY needs to be built up! A LOT! Closure. It needs complete and satisfactory closure.
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Is the second to last scene, where Leon see Abdiel....
Is this scene absolutely crucial? ABSOLUTELY?!
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Last scene...
Put "super" in ALL CAPS as well as "weeks later." What you have now isn't proper formatting.
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OKAY, I'm done reading. Now here are some additional comments...
There are points in the screenplay that feel novelistic in description. Don't let this happen. It's easy to slip into this when writing but don't let it happen! Go back through and check for instances where this happens.
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Be sure to go back through and trim the hell outta dialogue and narrative/action/descriptive paragraphs. Remember to only keep the CRUCIAL information!
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Ok now I'm going to be pulling out some things I feel will help you from the book I recently finished. Your Screenplay Sucks: 100 Ways to Make It Great by William M. Akers, c. 2008
Here there are...
CHECKBOX 60 - YOU POISONED YOUR SCENE DESCRIPTION WITH "TO BE"!
This is one of the most beneficial (and easies) things you can do to improve your writing. Even if you're not a great writer, losing "to be" will make you look like you know what you're doing.
Mrs. Hale, my fifth grade teacher, always told me to use "active verbs." I never had a clue what she meant. I do, however, understand how to get rid of "to be." Go through every line of scene description, and if it has the verb "to be" in any form, rewrite it so it is active.
"To be" signals the reader on page one that you aren't an experienced writer, as "to be" is one of the first things to fall away as you climb the ladder toward becomming William Goldman.
Dave runs to his car. The bumper's being held on with duct tape.
Dave runs to his car. The bumper held on with duct tape.
Of all the items on the Your Screenplay Sucks! checklist, this is the simplest and has the highest power-to-weight ratio. Your writing will improve by leaps and bounds if you follow the simple rule:
Get rid of "is."
Now you know.
"Is" isn't the only worty dird in the screenwriting canon.
(Taken from pages 173-175)
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CHECKBOX 61 - YOU HAVEN'T CUT AS MANY "THES" AND "THATS" AS POSSIBLE!
If the reader sees "the" all over everywhere, they're going to know you're not a top writer. Same with "that."
Type "Ctrl F" or "Apple F" and search out "the" and "that" and get rid of a lot of them. It will tighten up your writing.
Alex just stares down and squeezes the meat out of a crab leg.
Alext just stares down and squeezes meat out of a crab leg.
(Taken from page 175)
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Seven Deadly Sins of Screenwriting
Using Find (Ctrl F or Apple F) in your computer, chase down these words in any form you find them. Losing them or changing them will strengthen your work.
"Find" spacesISspace should find only the word you're looking for, not every "is" in your screenplay.
is: He is grinning - becomes - He grins.
are: The convicts are singing opera - The convicts sing opera.
the: Nacho hightails it out of the town - Nacho hightails it out of town
that: Ralph can't tell that she's French - Ralph can't tell she's French.
then: She laughs. She then looks at Alice - She laughs. She looks at Alice
walk: Tika walks down the hall - Tika prisses down the hall.
sit: Sitting at the poker table, Doc deals cards - At the poker table, Doc deals.
stand: The surgeon stands at the operating table and works - At the operating table, the surgeon works.
look: Cheryl is looking at Stephanie - Cheryl studies Stephanie.
just: I am just totally exhausted - I am totally exhausted.
of the: Tom sits by the entrance of the mall - Tom sits by the mall entrance.
begin: The tape begins playing - The tape plays.
start: She starts moving toward the den - She moves toward the den.
really: Betty is really pretty - Betty, hot as a two-dollar pistol, struts in.
very: The kids sing a very old song - The kids sing a traditional song. ("very" means the following word is weak)
ly: (as on the end of an adverb!) seach for LYspace. Also seach for ly. and ly, as LYspace will not find an adverb at the end of a sentence, etc. Grade school writers go wild over adverbs. You're past that now. Use them, um, sparingly. If at all.
Change these words in whatever you write and the results will be tighter and stronger.
Okay, it's 16 deadly sins. So sue me.
(Taken from pages 176 and 177)
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AND SO ENDS MY NOTES OVER YOUR SCREENPLAY: ABDIEL
I hope you found some of these things helpful. On the parts I found confusing...If you feel "well you were just one person, someone else might interpret it differently." Well yes that's very true. But what if they don't? What if this persn who doesn't is a judge in the screenplay contest you want to answer? What if they get confused as well? DON'T LEAVE A CHANCE FOR WHAT IFS!! Good luck with this man. I'm out.
haha novel. What I would do, If I were getting paid to do something like this... is go through the entire thing scene-by-scene. So imagine my comment for your first scene that I initially posted, multiplied by all the scenes in your screenplay. Then I'd add additional comments. But since I'm not getting paid for this, I didn't get that hardcore about it. However, I still wanted to give you some constructive criticism. You're going to try to enter this into a contest right? That's big. That's important. And such, you deserve good constructive criticism. That's what I tried to do. These types of comments are the kind I'd like to see more of around this site. Not just the "wow I loved it!" Know what I mean :) Good luck man. Take care.
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INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
JACOB sleeps quietly.
DREAM SEQUENCE - WINNING THE LOTTERY
INT. GAS STATION - DAY
Jacob purchases a lottery ticket from the clerk and walks outside.
EXT. GAS STATION - CONTINUOUS
Jacob scratches the ticket. One BELL, two bells, three bells!
JACOB
Oh my god! Fuck me!
Jacob jumps into the air.
END DREAM
Jacob smiles in his sleep.
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That's just one way to do it. However the secondary heading is how you initially format the DREAM/FLASHBACK/ETC. then give an overall theme for the heading. In this case, WINNING THE LOTTERY. If your DREAM/FLASHBACK/ETC. covers several scenes, write in SEQUENCE after the initial DREAM/FLASHBACK/ETC. After your secondary heading, you can write in individual sluglines until you're done with the dream. When you're done simply write, as a secondary heading, END DREAM, END OF DREAM, END OF FLASHBACK. The most common way to "exit" a flashback/dream/etc. is BACK TO PRESENT DAY. Hope that helps. Good luck!
In the meantime, I'll be copy/pasting the info on those 'dirty' words to use for reference until I pick up Akers' book. It sounds like a good read.
Oh yeah I agree they need tightening, think it does say it below.
Well Aaron gave you the low down an formatting. Here are my thoughts on story hun, seeing as I don't need to do much else. You have my attention now for a couple of hours.
What else are friends for...
I am starting at the beginning again, seeing as somewhere you added 2 pages since yesterday.
Will post my thoughts in a little while.
Dawn
Page 8 Leviticus, says Gomorrah, is it supposed to be Belial now?
Page 29. What is (O.C.) ?
I almost thought Belial had Rebecca there for a moment, nice tough that she thought she was going for a walk with her dad.
Page 39 Gomorrah again is it a mistake, i think so as you changed the name?
"What would your town do if Abdiel ever took our side?" Now that is scary!!!!!!
A good friend of mine told me I use walks too much.
For instance this reads. Page 39 also...
They walk away. Abdiel continues to walk on. Elijah sits harmlessly on a porch step, reading the town's bulletin. He smokes out of his pipe and flips toward the next page.
If you get rid of the second walk (Abdiel continues on) it would read easier, and is not as repetitive.
I feel sometimes when you use the full names in the character/dialogue. ie Reverend Billingsworth. It is a little long. Would Reverend not just be enough. I noticed you do that with Lou Growlenhoff Lou would work better there, or do you have two Lou's in the script?
I think your scene on page 89 needs to be written as a montage.
ie.
The town is busy.
MONTAGE
1. Children are laughing and skipping their way to school.
2. Leon and Steven walk together to the crematory, with no bodies to worry about.
3. Lou's store is booming with customers purchasing everything but machetes.
4. Mary walks Aden and Rebeca to school. Also TYPO should be REBECCA
etc
Ok so I read through it all.
Overall, I think it has much improved. I wasn't as confused as I was the first time I read it. I think regards some of the action lines, they are a little descriptive, and could be a bit tighter.
Your dialogue and everything else seems tons better, and I am sure with all the other notes from Aaron, you will be able to put them to good use and once again give this an over hall.
I think you might just make that deadline hun.
Keep at it. I am thinking of you.
Dawn
Josh, I actually never saw Team America... isn't that a sin now? Haha. A read through would be great, man. Maybe you could give me some suggestions for adding onto the end... I remember that was something you wanted to be worked on. Thanks guys!
A screenplay should be a quick read. Correct? You should WANT to finish it because you've INVESTED in the characters. You feel for them. You worry about them and you WANT to get to the end. Correct?
Unfortunately, for me, I didn't experience these things. I read this, pushing myself along the way. I didn't fully invest into the characters or the story. So I didn't find myself WANTING to read this. I read it because I said I would. You see the difference here. It's a harsh blunt comment but it's honest. I don't want you to misunderstand though, It was interesting. But you're getting ready to enter this into a contest. You need honesty now if ever! I want you to win!! :)
I just felt like you didn't push the envelope with the story. It just felt like something was missing. You know how you get those feelings in your chest, where it feels like empty air, that's how I felt when reading this screenplay. Reading it, I felt like "hmmm, all right. it wasn't too bad. an interesting story, could've been better." Now see what that says is, you kept my interest on and off. You should make me feel like "WOW! What a great frickin story! Let's see/read it again!" Know what I mean. I shouldn't want it to end!
Now what can you do to change this? Because who knows, a judge for a contest may feel the same way. I think the main reason I didn't feel for this story was because I wasn't too sure who the main character was. I wasn't sure who to emphasize with. I want to say Elijah but I'm unsure. You see, I should have absolutely NO question as to who your main character is. I think you need to go back in and redefine your main character. Make us emphasize with this character more. Show this character more, don't let them disappear in gaps of your screenplay. We need, as a reader and as an audience, someone to root for. Some to invest in. I don't think you have this yet. Can you see where I'm coming from? Perhaps you don't agree. It's just my opinion after all. Take it or leave it. I'm sure you'll figure it out. Good luck! :)
Similar to the MONTAGE is the SERIES OF SHOTS, consisting of quick shots that tell a story. They lead to some dramatic resolution or dramatic action, whereas a MONTAGE focuses on a single concept."
-- The Screenwriter's Bible by David Trottier, c.2005, pg 137-138
"MONTAGE vis-a-vis SERIES OF SHOTS
Generally, the MONTAGE is used more than the SERIES OF SHOTS. Even when the sequence is a true SERIES OF SHOTS, the MONTAGE format is often used. Sometimes the heading MONTAGE is used and then the shots are numbered exactly like the SERIES OF SHOTS example above. The rules are fluid here, and the terms are often used interchangeably. Use both devices sparingly."
-- The Screenwriter's Bible by David Trottier, c. 2005, pg 139
Examples of MONTAGE and SERIES OF SHOTS, as taken from The Screenwriter's Bible by David Trottier, c. 2005, pg 137, 138-139
"
MONTAGE - SUZY AND BILL HAVE FUN TOGETHER
-- They run along the beach. Suzy raises her countenance against the ocean spray.
-- They bicycle through a park.
-- Bill buys Suzy ice cream at a small stand. She stuffs it into his face. The patrons chuckle.
SERIES OF SHOTS - JOHN GETS EVEN
A) John lifts a .38 Special from his desk drawer.
B) John strides down the sidewalk, hand in pocket.
C) John arrives at an apartment building.
D) Mary answers the door. John pulls the trigger. A stream of water hits Mary in the face.
"
These are two ways to do it. When you're done with the montage, remember to bring us BACK TO PRESENT DAY or END OF MONTAGE. As with FLASHBACKS/DREAMS, a MONTAGE is formatted as a secondary heading.
Good luck with the project hun.
Dawn
Now, I love your suggestions, I do. But I think I have to let this one go and just take the chance, because your opinion may or may not be the same as the judges in the contest. But I am required to give a 1 page synopsis. I have to believe that I can get across everything that I feel may be in question within this synopsis. The one main thing I will fix though, is the climax at the end. I'll spice it up, no doubt. Thanks again!
INT. ELIJAH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Elijah sleeps restlessly.
Next you have:
EXT. TOWN SQUARE - NIGHT
and then you add whatever follows.
The dream should end with Elijah waking up in bed like this:
INT. ELIJAH BEDROOM - NIGHT
Elijah opens his eyes and pops up in bed. He sweats. The window is wide open. Elijah walks over to the window. He looks outside. A slight gust blows into his face. He shuts the window.
ext. I hope this helps.
I understand that in seeing both the start and end of the dream as in asleep and then wake up it makes it clear, but as a reader I think we need to know what sort of sequence it is, in case the scene's go on for some time.
Dawn
so i was reading and in the first page i think theres a sentence thats a bit complex, in my opinion so i might be wrong. but i would be an idiot to ignore it.
'Elijah pulls out a handkerchief and wipes a bit from a smudge of blood off of the wall beside the window.'
to me its a very complex sentence. i havent got any suggestions right now, but ill have a think. maybe break the sentence up into smaller sentences giving a few lines more but it will help the complex sentence issue.
D
Ok, thank you, Dawn. I'll try to research it too just to make sure since we've got some mixed opinions on it. Thanks everyone!
page 2
'LEVITICUS sits alone on top of a tower gnawing on the bones of a child, watching the town ahead.'
You wrote LEVITICUS sits alone on top of a tower. Should this be LEVITICUS sits alone on top of the tower. Or is this tower a different one then the one described in the scene
'He throws the bones to the side. He takes a dip from the blood once more with his finger. His finger nail scratches across the brittle wooden floor.'
Again, then middle sentence kinda does and doesnt make sense. i know what you mean, but maybe you could write
He dips his finger once more into the blood.
TYPO ALLERT - A small pole with .... should be a small 'a'
I also looked up synonyms for "walk" and wrote down the definitions for each so that they make sense so theres gonna be a ton new versions of walk! HAha.
You well on your way to a second draft
D
I just read through again and well I still stand by my four star rating BUT this is now much closer to a 5. You've fixed a ton of things and added much more. I liked that you added a bit to the climax which was one of my earlier problems. I also liked the new opening which gave a much better flow to the piece.
The first act ends at around page 25 right? Well here's the only remaining problem I have and it's not a really a problem because I know what you're going for. My problem is that the first act is pretty much your weakest part and the reason for this is that there is no real main character for the audience to care for. Now I realize that you want people to realize the entire town is the main character but as an audience member we also want to invest in someone, and take the journey with them. So I would suggest making Elijah a stronger and more pronounced figure in the movie (this is still up to you). and another thing you could do is to make a few of the other characters a little less pronounced and make them more kind of background characters.
The second act really picks it up and you start to run away with us. The pace picks up and you have the entire rest of the movie filled with conflict. So good job with the last 3/4 of the movie.
Your dialogue is still great and your action lines are still fabulous. So good job on that.
So here's my suggestions. Add more to the first act. Make Elijah more of a main character. Make him have an arch. That way we're invested in the journey with him. Then once we're done with that just add polish and you've got a great little script.
Hope my suggestions helped.
Mrs Kimble, for instance, I feel does not need a name. Why can't she just be crazy woman, or something? You know? Haha. Thanks for reading, man. I appreciate it.
and then when you're done you can check on The Opposite Of Love, lol script pimping, anyways cuz I think I may just enter that into something.
I dunno about that, cuz it just depends on how it's written cuz some stuff is written brilliantly and not pulled off so well on film. And then some stuff is a little sub par and pulled off Amazingly! SOOOOOO having said that I'd try to write it the best as I can. (However the visual I'm getting is just hilarious, don't let that throw you off though)
That's just what I think though.
D
Lol, ok I gotcha on the slugline now. I see your point haha.
P.S. - Just think about how many other things you could find if you went through the screenplay with a microscope, being extra nit-picky! Something to think about.
Saying that, personally I'd give it a good once over read through and then send it away. Now thats just me, I'm not exactly rubbing shoulders with Tom Cruise in hollywood, he's too short anyway it'd be impossible to.
I am sure the comp will go fine hun, and we will all have our fingers crossed for you.
D
Kev, I see what your saying completely. Also, Cruise is short but you have to give him props...Katie Holmes...that's not so bad! Haha.
The narrative seems to long for someone to just walk across a room and close a door, I personally don't think it fits...I may be missing something, if I am let me know, just feel a more visual scene is needed here, to gel with the narrative.
Carrying on.
"Belial grabs Bartholomew by the neck, causing blood with his claw-like nails."
Causing blood? Maybe it wuld read better as:
Belial grabs Bartholomew by the neck, 'slicing his skin' with his claw-like nails.
What do you think?
Just trying to help with the flow...you know?
I'm a little confused to the nationality of the frost!
By this I mean, that within the dialog you keep writing recurring lines of speech as "I do not"...are the family foreign? Because I am under the impression that they are. This is taking place in the USA right? So if so why not use the shortened line of !I don't"..does not for "doesn't" etc!
I just feel the shortened wording would flow better, with the reader and actor both.
I'm about a quarter of the way through and am enjoying the script on a whole and will pick up where I left off tomorrow.
Hope you are OK with these comments.
Jay.
Olde English or Ye Olde English...gotcha!
So what about the time frame..don't we need a superimpose as in back in time, or a Quaker society dwelling?
How will the reader know how to relate to the language spoken, or as a rookie did I miss something? Hope not!
Gonna pick this up tomorrow as it's late and I'm kinda spooked..Haha!! lol
Yeah I love this piece, just wanna try and open up and crit too!!
So what about the child's v/o as Elijah exits the room, what do we expect to see there, can't be the back of a door! Not in a great piece of work like this man? No way!
Tomorrow, I'll read it all..I'm on it..defo!
Aden sits at his desk as his teacher speaks. Janice watches him. She hands a note to him.
Maybe the latter would read better as:
Aden sits at his desk as his teacher speaks. Janice watches him, hands him a note. ??
Easier to read, quicker flow!
Elijah
Abdiel. Abdiel! What do you want from me? I have protected your town long enough. I have done all that you could have asked me for. What could you possibly want more from me?
Think it would read more authentic as:
Elijah
Abdiel. Abdiel! What do you want from me? I have protected your town long enough. I have done all that you could have asked of me. What possibly more could you want?
Finicky I know, but I'm right into this story now, I think it works better...how about you?
Belial reaches behind him and tosses the body of Lou's wife in front of him. A machete is implanted into her chest.
As it reads I envisage Belial reaching out behind himself and plucking a body out of fresh air? That's not what is going on I know..but this line troubles me as being a little vague! I think you need to elaborate a little on this line to make the visual a little clearer. lol!
Just gone back on myself a bit and proof reading a bit-
Page 24: A repetetive action line-
Richard and Bartholomew each shake their heads. Little PAMELA SMITH, 7, white dress, blond pigtails, in the front of the hall stands and walks toward the podium.
She hangs her head in despair.
REVEREND BILLINGSWORTh
Yes, child?
Pamela does not speak. -1
MAYOR stanforth
Little girl, do you have something that you would like to say?
Pamela does not speak. -2 Maybe substitute for:
Still Pamela says nothing, or such like(Repetition statement of action)!
And then repeated yet again below!
Then below that mybe She speaks could read better as:
Pamela finally breaks silence or such like?
Page 28: single word substitution-
EXT. TOP OF THE CATHEDRAL - NIGHT
Leviticus hunches over the edge of the cathedral, picking apart the meat off of an unspecified bone. Belial stands away, eying the bell tower.
It's just away that seems redundant, maybe back would be more definitive?
Still Page 28:
Leviticus throws the bone over the edge of the cathedral. He sulks over to Belial.
He sulks over to Belial? Mmmm, maybe He sulks, glancing at Belial?
Page 30: Redundant word- walks
He walks toward the window of the bell tower. Maybe he ponders..he's investigating...a positive action!
Page 45: The confusing sentence is still present, I think it needs alteration-
"Belial reaches behind him and tosses the body of Lou's wife in front of him. A machete is implanted into her chest."
I think a clearer, more definitive sentence is needed.
A little lower Page 45: A negative sentence-
He looks closer to the statue. It begins crying tears of blood. Maybe-
He examines the statue closer. It begins to cry or
Tears of blood roll from its eyes!
Redundant ing's !!
Page 47: word substition- Everyone in the hall raises their hand.
A more positive statement would be>within.
Page 48: Word repetition: Looks
Elijah pauses and looks toward the ceiling. He looks to Tate Swanson.
gazes at then stares toward
Page 55: Redundant verb- watches
Belial watches the blood as it stains the sheets. Maybe substitute for:
snarls at, entranced by
OK read on in a bit!
Over stated sentence: page 54
INT. TATE SWANSON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Tate lies in his bed as Leviticus and Belial stand on each side of him. Belial places a piece of paper onto Tate's stomach.
Substitute stand on for:
Tate lies in his bed as Leviticus and Belial stand at each side.
Same scene, Substitution:
Belial lifts a dagger from his side
Belial pulls a dagger from a side holster.
A little further the sentence is repeated:
Belial lifts the daggers from his own side. He presses it into Tate's stomach.
How many daggers does he have, I think two, but it could be easily mistakened for three?
A kittle further on I think this sentence could be made more dramatic:
Belial watches the blood as it stains the sheets. How about
Belial revels at the blood ? More dramatic?
Same scene a little further on- word repetition> body
Tate's body begins to glow. The blood seeps back into his own body. Belial lifts Tate's body. Suggestion:
Tate's body begins to glow, as his blood seeps back inside him. Belial lifts Tate's into the air. More visual I think!
Within this scene the verb "Snarl" appears twice, my be you could say-
gnashes his teeth? Still a statement of anger!
Page 59- word correction:
INT. CATHEDRAL - DAY
Leon barges into the back doors. Reverend Billingsworth is sitting in a pew, staring directly ahead with a blank stare, would read better as:
INT. CATHEDRAL - DAY
Leon barges in through the back doors. Reverend Billingsworth is sitting in a pew, staring blankly ahead.
Next action line trimmed down:
The Reverend does not answer right away.
The Reverend continues to look ahead and reaches into his shirt pocket.
for-
The Reverend pauses, mezmerized, glaring ahead, reaches into his shirt pocket. ??
Same scene, condensing two lines into one, less wording:
As the Reverend opens his hand Leon takes the letter.
REVEREND BILLINGSWORTH
It is a letter, dear boy. I have been called upon. My time is coming soon.
Next line of dialog
A little further: Word substitution-
Leon sees two unknown figures around the Reverend behind a curtain. The Reverend bows his head, and it is severed.
One holds the head high into the air. The other breaks to hands and knees and licks the spilled blood off of the floor. For:
OK so I'm on page 80, and I'll read the rest tomorrow. I love it all man, it's scary as hell, and now we see Abdiel as the good guy, I like it, I like it a lot!!! You have a great imagination where the occult and evil is concerened!! Great!!
My sentiment exactly, to learn you must open your mind and seek to explore all possibilities, for time well spent should never be ignored, as this could only add to the confusion and hierarchy of the establishment!!
Come On!!
"obviously some individuals which are obviously dedicated to the project to that of learning"...
Make a little sense (fluent diction at least) if you intend to Insult the one who is possibly the most formidable writer here!
Doubt you took the time to actually read it...
What's with all the dumb smartasses around here lately?
He's just a drop in a discarded bucket of stagnant water... doesn't mean a thing to those who respect your work and the countless hours you spend helping everybody.
Yay!!!.....I'm a pro now :)
I'm just messing around now.
And I think I'm finished giving of my valuable time to your bullying...
Some of us have Pertinent and Valuable Scripts to tend to... which is, as Zeke mentioned in a former thread, exactly what this site is for.
Good Day, or not so much... you decide through your own actions which it is to be.
I noticed this the other day, there are a few popping up aren't there and then when you look they have deleted their accounts?
Strange.
Dawn
This is still one of my favorite pieces of yours, Zeke.
Oh well... better days ahead.
-H