Originator

Scripts from Same Idea

Nothing here right now.
I'm only 17!
(Based on 1 rating)
License:
Views: 65
Comments: 7
Created 3 years, 6 months ago
Edited 3 years, 5 months ago
Category: Stage Play
Genres: Drama
Page / 1

Comments
ORIGINATOR
Ashley Marie Hicken (Sent 3 years, 6 months ago)
Please help me out you guys. Is it too choppy or what? Tell me whatever you think i need to work on.
Originator found this helpful.
Dawn Chapman (Sent 3 years, 6 months ago)
Hi there

I think some of the nurses diologue needs a little work, it seems jilted, and not as real as it should be.

There are too many And's too.

eg

Well we need to get you on vitamins and you need to decide who will be your OB and you need to make an appointment as soon as possible. Do you have any questions for me at the moment

Should read better with something like this....

We need to get you onto a combination of vitamins and minerals. You'll also need to decide who will be your OB and make an appointment as soon as possible. Do you have any questions for me at the moment?

instead of using OB you should probably put the real word not everyone will understand it especially if you have a male reader who hasn't had any kids.

I do like what you have so far. Keep going.

Dawn
Originator found this helpful.
Abbi Bardsley (Sent 3 years, 6 months ago)
This is pretty emotional, it catches the audiences attention. I would maybe explain a little more detail in the part where haillee talks to her boyfriend jake. It's a little blunt. Otherwise i like it.
ORIGINATOR
Ashley Marie Hicken (Sent 3 years, 6 months ago)
PLEASE LEAVE ME HELPFUL HINTS. I NEED HELP.
Originator found this helpful.
Abbi Bardsley (Sent 3 years, 6 months ago)
I think you did a really good job at making it believable. The charachters seem to talk and act just as they would in real life. The conflict also seems to be good, but i would probably add more friction between the boyfriend and girlfriend. It seems like right away they are all hunky dory. When in reality i'd think they'd both be really scared and possible short with eachother. I know you have Jake mad at Haillee when she is puking and he was suppose to help her, maybe you should elaborate on that.
Originator found this helpful.
Chad McCool (Sent 3 years, 5 months ago)
The characters are definitely believable. Although she seems to have understanding parents, I would like to see you dive into the fear and possibly create some conflict between Haillee and Jake rather than it just be an emotional driven.

I am definitely looking forward to how it continues.
Originator found this helpful.
Chad McCool (Sent 3 years, 5 months ago)
I really liked it.
  • (4/5 stars)