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What Life's Like
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License:
Views: 95
Comments: 9
Comments: 9
By Doug Pocrass
Created 3 years, 6 months ago
Edited 2 years, 6 months ago
Category: Feature Film
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I can see you are working hard on this.
I wish I did live nearer some of you guys on here but the uk is far away from you. So all I can offer is some support and some tips.
You are writing this more like a shooting script than a speculative script. Are you intending on directing this yourself or do you intend to sell it to a producer?
If it is the latter, then I would suggest removing all cut to's and stuff. There is no need to have them in spec scripts.
I also don't know where BACK TO comes into any script writing. To me as a reader, the dialogue would naturally cut to and from Reese and Liz. But these sort of directions and shots are up to the director and not the writer to put in. They usually are written in well after the script has been optioned and story boarded.
Also being honest it is a huge distraction from the read of the story, and as a reader it puts me off the script.
I am also confused as to where Reese is in the bedroom, or is he infact talking to her via the computer. as in via web cam?
If this is the case then you need to say so in the first action line of the scene. Also if this is the case then the back to and so forth make a little more sense to me. (But its still up to the director what shots to put in, and you don't flit to and fro in such a way, as to see every answer or question)
Page 3 you need a new scene heading when you return back to the queue and Reese and Brad.
You also have me confused as to where Liz suddenly appears from in the queue?
Ahhhh now I think I get it. Some how Brad is broadcasting the film straight to Liz who sits at home on her lap top. So the film is live.
I think you need to state that somewhere, and think a little more about your scene headings and certain voice overs, need to be brought in.
Page 5, note all action lines should be no longer than 4. It makes the script feel like it reads quicker, and also is easier on the eyes.
I like the idea behind the script. I think it will make a great script. But there are a few things you need to decide on.
I like it though, and hope your not offended in any way by my notes.
I think there is great potential here, and with a lotta work a great script. Will indeed emerge.
Good luck hun, but most of all just keep writing.
Dawn
Thank you for your comments. I've been having a real problem handling these scenes and your feedback helped alot.
Basically, Brad and Reese are live casting their trip to Pinks so that their friend Liz can vicariously enjoy a hot dog with them.
I didn't know how to handle the dialog between them and the transitions. Per your suggestion, I inserted an action line saying that Brad is webcasting the experience, and when it transitions to Liz's apartment, I inserted an action line saying that she is watching Reese on the laptop.
That helped.
However, I haven't a clue how to handle the transition back to the Pink's line.
I think I have 3 options:
1) Make Liz's dialog O.S. for the rest of the scene, or
2) Have the entire scene viewed through Liz's webcam, or
3) Have a series of cuts between PINKS and LIZ's APARTMENT whenever LIZ or BRAD/REESE speak.
What is the proper way to handle #3? Is it proper to go CUT TO / BACK TO, is there a better way to handle it? I don't want to be directing either, but I do want the scene to make sense to the reader.
Hope all is going well, and sorry I didn't see this any sooner.
Dawn
Outside of that scene, however, the dialog really feels forced to me, which may explain why it seems so short to you: because you're trying very hard to get from point A to point B and you're not taking the time to show us these characters. Not everything has to be a joke -- which, to be honest, all fall flat to me, possibly because the dialog feels forced. Example:
REESE
Nooo!!!! . . . He went back to Palacete? Boy, I'd like to be a fly on the wall there tonight!
LIZ
If there's a fly, I don't think its going to be on the wall!
The fly in the soup joke went out with Vaudeville, and Reese sets it up rather quickly after beginning the line with disgust. You'd think their friends would know better than to set up the fly in the soup joke with them. I just met these people and I know better.
We get that these people love food (and The Blues Brothers) and they are each specialists. What else sets them apart? Do they have any other interests at all? If this is a story about people who only love food, that's fine, but we still need someone else to contrast against. Otherwise, we might admire their expertise, but we won't identify with anyone, and we'll lose interest very quick.
Good luck
Adam
I am definitely seeing where the "trying very hard to get from point A to point B" is hurting me in the script, and although, I didn't think the fly on the wall bit was that groan worthy, I do agree it is forced.
The script is a story about people who love food, but where other interests add to the character, I am going to try to work it in.
I agree that there needs to be a character to clearly contrast against. It should be WEBER, the food critic boyfriend. My problem is that I have been thinking that LIZ should win him over at the end of the movie, so I have held back on portraying him as a big-time stuck up prick. It would probably be a better tack to have her be wooed away from him in the end by REESE or JONATHAN. It would contrast the geeky but passionate food blogger against the jaded insensitive restaurant critic.
Thanks again for your comments.
- Doug