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Views: 72
Comments: 7
Comments: 7
By J M
Created 3 years, 2 months ago
Edited 1 year, 6 months ago
Category: Feature Film
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Introducing characters should be in action lines, and also parathentics should be in ( brackets)
The story is a good one I think it has loads of potential.
Just give me a shout if you need any more help.
Dawn
I'll admit I've only scanned through your pages, but it seems like you have the beginning of a story. Keep Writing! I suggest checking out Zhura's screenwriting basics tutorial. Most of the stuff I would comment on at this point has to do with basic style and formatting - and that's not too hard to learn once you find your rhythm.
And I think most writers will tell you that their first script sucked! Mine did, and after several years of rewrites, it got better :}
Good luck!
What I find you are doing more than anything is writing this more like a novel.
In film you can only put in what the people watching it will visually see.
In your opening action line you wrote about the prison holding over 400 men, in this sense if that is the info you want people to see then you would have to establish in a few different scene headings quickly how large the jail actually is.
It actually wouldn't hurt to have a few opening shots in itself of the jail.
When writing for film everything in the action must be seen, again below this you write.
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As J pushes himself up he realizes he only has a few moments to get his jail blues on and make his bunk before facing discipline
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We watching the film wouldn't know any of this, because all we would see in fact is...
J glances at his watch, quickly leaps out of bed. J grabs his Jail Blues, slips them on and attempts to tidy his bunk.
Something along these lines.
I am not against helping you in any way, I would like to know the story more, and as long as you don't mind me changing the wording and adding the 'telling' to the visual, then lets see if it works.
Other than this I can only guide you like this in comments. Because I don't know enough of the story to be able to write it without feeling like I am taking over.
Speak soon.
Dawn
Pg 2 - the chow line. You could simplify the run through of each step, first the tray with sugar, then the cereal, then the bins where the spoons are. That kind of detail draws me out of the real story. You can simplify this kind of detail, in my opinion.
After that, on page 3 - in the narrative, J "asks himself what he will do when he gets out of here..." - Unnecessary. It tells the reader something that won't be privy to the movie viewer. Try writing this without letting us know his thoughts.
Pg 5 - I would cut back on the parentheticals, like "(in a sarcastic voice not so loud but he knows slim can hear)." Let your dialogue be interpreted by the reader as often as you can. Your dialogue so far is not bad, so trust that the sarcasm will be perceived... :}
Again page 5 - DAY ROOM COUNTY JAIL - J gets called over the loudspeaker... then "wonders what could they possibly want him for..." Any reference to his internal thoughts is not necessary in a script.
I've skipped over a lot of the same kinds of examples above, and I'm on page 17, where J is about to explain to JJ his time in jail.
At this point, I'm not 100% certain what your story is about. My guess is it's about J acclimating back into family life and responsibilities after doing time. And that's a fine start for a story.
My experience says to have the theme of your story clear in your mind (yes, it's as hard as it sounds). There are some great books on the market to help you do this. Right now, I like "Save the Cat" for getting a start. There are plenty of others to choose from, but "Save the Cat" might help you outline the major beats of the story you want to tell.
Again, I'm sorry I've taken so long to respond. I will try to pick up from page 17 in the next day or so.
Keep writing!
D.
I'm thinking you might want to consider opening the story with the event that got J sent to jail, and the subsequent misinterpretation as seen from Monica's point of view... Then maybe jump forward to his release? And then his disjointed relationship with his kids and how he goes about reconnecting with them as Monica sets out to prevent the growing relationship. And through those plot points, the audience can come to realize the truth behind what got J sent to jail - and the truth behind Monica's intentions... if any of that makes sense.
Hope my train of thought was helpful, and again - good luck. Don't give up! Writing can be a pain in the-- :}
D.