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Oh Jenny! - Episode 1.01 - Oh Beginnings! (Final Draft?? Minor Edits)
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(Based on 8 ratings)
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Views: 162
Comments: 39
Comments: 39
Created 3 years, 6 months ago
Edited 1 year, 8 months ago
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Did someone call my name D:!! "Oh JENNY!"
Dawn
Good opening and a good start keep it up.
If it makes me laugh, it means there is something good.
D
They are some kick ass comments, thank you so much! :D!
D.A: Thanks, it is going to be ANOTHER series that I am writing, I am considering this one for the BBC, so it has to be REALLY good.
Stephen: Thanks DUDE! :D!
Dawn: Yes, this is a half hour sitcom and I am glad it made you laugh! :D!
XxkissessxX
one small comment:
Jenny
Okay, I'm okay.
I think it would play better if she repeated the line before.
I'm okay.
XxkissessxX
I hope you don't mind, but could you tell me what was specifically great and what could be improvd?
I want to get this ready for the BBC.
If you could help that would be great!
XxkissessxX
A few things...
Page 2: (Why do you need set direction?)
On the left hand side of the set
(Is this a typo - readyh?)
Dan, I am trying to get readyh for work.
Page 33: (This is the only bold type in the script.)
Mr. WEN (60's)
Page 36: (Not sure I love this line... fork in a toaster.)
JeNNY
You can't just go around yelling at Asian people. It's like sticking a fork in a toaster, it's really tempting, but you just don't do it.
Page 40: (Not sure I understand this line... she has a bag of pills - like meds.)
BaBARA
Don't talk back to me. I have a bag of pills and I'll throw them all if I have to.
Page 44: (Typo - project)
KaTIE
I swear she has learnt to prject it over things now.
I wanted it to be a living room come dining room. Should I write that in the scene heading eg. INT. LEE HOUSEHOLD - LIVING ROOM/DINING ROOM
The typos were in fact typos. Clearly I did not proof read properly. lol!
What's wrong with the fork in a toaster?? lol Just curious as to why you didn't like it so I can make amendments accordingly.
Thnx for the rating! D:!
XxkissessxX
I REALLY want to make this BBC ready and it has to be very good for that! :D!
XxkissessxX
Getting it ready for the BBC: What I would ask is are all the main characters that will be part of the sitcom in this pilot? I say that because I think the end when she is going to a new school is almost the start of a new story and so it left me wondering what new chatacters would be introduced. I just invested some time is relating to the old ones and now I am going to meet a bunch of new main characters? It made me wonder what is the sitcom really about... is it her at the new school or is it her with her family and friends?
Hope that helps a little.
BYW... I got a rejection letter form the BBC on That's Your Sister... i will find it and let you know what it said.
I went to a BBC road show the other week, and I learned so much info from them.
Out of 100, only 10 get through the 10 page sift. Then out of those ten only 2 might get passed on for a second read.
Mostly the BBC are looking for talented people they can see develop and put into schemes they are running, it is very rare they take on any new projects at all.
George,
This is looking really good hun, if you want me to do a full read, just shout.
Dawn
I was only going to introduce one or two characters as supporting cast in the next episode. DO you think they should maybe be introduced in this one already?
I could change the ending slightly because she was going to meet a boy. Maybe the boy could crash into her on his way past thus introducing him as a possible love interest. Then basically that's all the mains.
Thanks, I would love to hear what they said.
XxkissessxX
Page 2,
I would suggest taking out 'the next day' in your scene heading.
You write after your heading...
On the left hand side of the set, there is a circular dining table while on the right hand side there is a living room with a three piece suite.
Is the living/dining room just one large open room, because if it is then you probably should omit the repetitive 'living room'
Page 3,
You write ....
Yeah, but then together we won't make one fully dressed person.
(pause)
Besides, then I'd have to get up and then go to work, its really not worth it.
Just be aware of how many 'then' you actually use here. Try and get rid of all repetitive wording if you can.
Page 5,
Also be aware of repetitive 'walk or walks' on the same page. Spice it up a little using some different choices.
Am also unsure what underwhelmed means?
Page 8,
My life is over, (change comma for full stop)
Page 9 and 10,
Repetitive 'sits' also there is 'stands' too.
Page 11,
Scene heading has 'moments later' in it. I think this isn't really necessary, as we would know it was in fact moments later.
Page 12 and 13.
You have Jenny on the phone, to get away from unwanted camera direction. ie, your cut to. You can just focus on the clock at one point while she is talking, then use the clock to show the passage of time again.
It sometimes is over used in films and scripts but it does get out from actually using cut to's.
Or if you don't like that, use a sub heading,
Jenny chats on the phone.
LATER
Jenny in a different position chats on the phone.
Something like this maybe? ...
Page 13,
Is it really necessary you use '2 hours later' in your scene heading. You are tending to put too much information into them, and I don't feel it is necessary.
THat's supportive. Typo change 'H' for h
A glass crash is heard.
I know what you are trying to say, but 'heard' I think it is ok for you to just say... A glass shatters...
Page 16,
Jenny exits back to the kitchen.
How can you 'exit' back into anywhere? Jenny returns maybe ?
Page 21,
Footsteps are heard coming down the stairs.
I think it is safe to take out 'heard' perhaps something like 'shoes slap on the staircase. '
From here you use a lot of parathenticles. I would try and get rid of some of these if you can.
You also have...
Babara Lee (late 60's), stuck-up and it shows, enters from down the stairs.
enters from down the stairs? I think this sounds a bit awkward. Try and re phrase it.
Page 24,
You underline a word. I am not so sure this is acceptable in even sitcom format hun. I think if you have done this to emphasise the words then you def don't need to use it. The actor/s will pick up on this.
I read through the rest of it and noted a few things that a good read through will pick up, just a few more typos, I actually think it is kinda funny, but am unsure it really is a sitcom as in really funny.
I hope these few notes help you hun, and I really do wish you luck.
In regards to the question you mailed me, yes I think you should pick a different episode and write that one, to send to the bbc, they def said it wasn't such a good idea to send in the first one.
Good luck
Dawn
Submitted to Writersoom. I know now I was too eager and arrogant and I should of waited. Note: This was pre-Zhura.
George:
I think you MUST intro all the characters before the end. I was thinking about the end it reminded me of when I went to college and long story short my college frineds HATED my high school firends.
So I was think that would be a great conflict for this sitcom. Her constantly trying to balance the two.
Continuing with that thought... I see the end as such (just a suggestion of course)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
She looks behind her. People still stare. The door swings open and hits her. She falls down. As she gathers herself, she stares into an expensive pair of shoes.
FRANKE (always liked that name for a girl)
Just a baby gazelle in a den of lions.
She glances up. Franke sucks on a lollipop.
JENNY
Pardon?
FRANKE
I'm Franke. And you have 24 hours to convince me if you should live or die amongst us.
-------------------------------------------------------
Anyway something like that... obviously Franke is the most popluar girl and can determine Jenny's fate.
Sorry if I got carried away with your story...
Can I use that??
What did the writersroom say??
XxkissessxX
Thank you for sending us yopur script, That's Your Sister ep 1, which we have now had a chance to consider. We are afraid that at this point we are not able to take things any further with you on the basis of this script, and so we are returning it. We are sorry not to have better nes. As you will apprecitae we receive a large number of scripts each week and can only focus on those few projects and writers that have a strong chance of commission... etc. good luck.
in the beginning when Jenny trips and falls over an orange juice carton, i burst out laughing; i love slapstick. i think it's hilarious when someone falls. ahaha.
awesome job, can't wait to see more. =]]
one thing, and it's not your fault at all. it just caught me off guard at some point when there was UK lingo, i'm just not used to it yet. but i understood fine. :]]
todd. <3
Filomena: Thank you for telling me about your writersroom experience, it's good to know someone who has been through that process rather than having to second guess what they do.
Todd: I am very glad that you liked it so much! :D! It is great to know that you are laughing at a reading of a script which means you can see it happening. Thank you so much! And I love Katie too, she is so fun to write! :D!
XxkissessxX
I loved it!
This is SOOOO what I was aiming for.
Thnx so much!!!! :D! :D!
XxkissessxX
Xx
How come?
Xx
and ill know that bbc will pick it up and ill see it on my pbs station years down the road here in the states.
Xx
Anyways, awesome job on this. I'll be reading episode 2 ASAP.
Xx
One question however, did you used British formatting or American? I wasn't sure and I'm guessing its British formatting since you're submitting it to the BBC.
Xx