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The Flintlock Slaughterer
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(Based on 17 ratings)
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Views: 794
Comments: 197
Comments: 197
Created 3 years, 6 months ago
Edited 2 years, 3 months ago
Category: Feature Film
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Brian has it right I think, but am not sure.
You had me confused with the second scene too, I thought the detectives were then waiting for a job to come in and was expecting the fresh murder to be reported.
It would read much easier if you moved the Super and put it in the second scene also then it should say 22 years later, not earlier.
There is also no need for you to put your fade in and cut to's in to the script. Unless of course you are going to film this yourself. I think its much better to write a script as a speculative one first then you can always change things around later.
Good start though hun, although a rating of two stars at ten pages in is a bit premature.
I wont rate it as I think to get the whole picture a script must be read from start to finish.
Good luck
Dawn
What I DONT think is okay in a spec script you are trying to sell is to go beyond that and add in Close ups, Two shots, pans, Steady cams, etc etc. Those are way more detailed and complicated shots and are definitely up to the director.
But, fades and Cuts really just signify a basic transition between two scenes, and I think those are okay.
I think Dawn's way is also right though. A lot of writers feel like all the reader needs to signify a new scene is the Scene Headings themselves. So, wether you cut to, or fade to, the next scene is irrelivent. But, like I said, I've seen them with and also without. Your call I think.
I like this a lot so far. I remember reading in your idea though that Anson kills his parents. He shot his mom in the shoulder, which, I was confused as to wether or not she was still alive or not. The dad got it in the chest, so, I believe that. Myabe you need to change hers to also being in the chest.
The other thing I want to point out is that the fact that the Mother sends him to the sock drawer, with the gun, seems a little off to me. I would think she would know the gun was in the sock drawer and wouldnt send her kid there, no matter how bad they are at parenting.
I think it would be better if he stumbles onto the sock drawer himself, without being directed to it. Maybe he's got a toy that his mom took away from him as punishment and she hid it in the sock drawer and he peeks around the corner and sees her put it in there, then goes back later to get the toy and finds the gun. I dunno, not that exactly, but something a little less direct, you know?
Also, a six year old firing a gun is going t have a problem with the recoil also. You may want to throw something about that in there. Maybe not. Just a thought. It may not matter in the long run, but Im a sucker for realism especially about a kid who becomes a serial killer.
I hope that helps man. I could be completely wrong but I'll read it again.
Jeff, I really like your idea about a toy having been taken away and him going back in to find it. I think I was thinking that his mother knows about the gun but doesn't know where he keeps it. Bobby, probably the fact that Dexter seems to be a favorite show of yours makes this script have to live up to higher standards...maybe just maybe. I wanted to change Anson's age in the beginning also and make him even younger, 4 or 5- he is simply imagining his parents as these 'gremblins' in his favorite show- i don't really find him being disturbed until after the shootings. Brian, thanks for the heads up on the transitions. As I said, I do think I am going to keep them. Thanks for reading, fellas. I'll take all of your suggestions into deep consideration.
Dexter is a great show but my thing is that you have some great opening hooks and I think that out of everything I've read from you this was your weakest. I know you can pull us into Anson's world a lot better. That's all. I'm a fan of you man!
Read "The Screenwriters Bible" by Dave Trottier for further edification.
"it is rarely necessary to indicate anything except CUT TO:, DISSOLVE TO, or FADE TO:, between master scenes. Generally, "CUT TO" indicates a simple change of TIME AND LOCATION. "DISSOLVE TO" indicates a GREATER TIME CHANGE or a GREATER CHANGE OF MOOD. "FADE TO" is used to indicate an EXTREME CHANGE OF TIME such as MANY YEARS.
The actual film may use a different device to indicate time and/or mood shift, but the significant function of these devices on the written page is to help the reader notice that the story is moving from one master scene to another."
So, for example, a MASTER SCENE would start in a person's house, within a bedroom. Then, the next scene would take place within the bathroom. A cut is not neded here, because this is still a part of the same master scene, just a different area of said master scene.
Then, lets say, the next scene takes place within an office complex. This is a NEW MASTER SCENE aas we are no longer in that characters house, but an entirely new loaction, so, a CUT TO, DISSOLVE TO, or FADE TO is necessary to MAKE SURE the reader is aware of the transition.
This is from the book by Neil D. Hicks. His credits include TWO of the No.1 Box office films in the world, "Rumble in the Bronx" and also "First Strike". He's a teacher at UCLA film school now.
Anyways, this was the first book I ever read, and I dont even think I follow the rules I stated above, but, that is what he says.
Hope this helps my opinion a little and also helps this discussion.
Zeke, I think that if you are going with the angle that the mother didnt know where the gun was held, but new OF the gun, a little clarification would help, but, you gotta make sure its not too On the Nose.
I still like how the little boy is really just playing like all boys that age did, but he's using a real gun and since hes young and naive, he doesnt really understand the concept of a fake gun that goes "Bang Bang" and a real gun that actually kills.
Also, I think maybe he should see them, not as gremlins (even though I love that reference) but maybe something else more akin to that age, like cowboys and Indians or cops and robbers. Hope I make sense...
Another thing I agree with Jeff on is the sock drawer. I would assume that mom knows where the gun is hidden just as much as dad - unless she's not aware of the gun at all, which isn't the case. I'd suggest a different scenario in finding the gun.
I'm going to share something I witnessed in a video store long ago. A mom, dad and 4 year old kid were looking at videos. The dad found a favorite - the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The dad called his son over, showed the kid the cover and gleefully began explaining about how the killer cut his victims up and used their skin to make lamp shades. The mom just stood there with a smirk and shook her head... How disturbing is that?
The point I wanted to make is that I can picture that poor kid growing up to be very messed up - or very desensitized. I think you could benefit from setting that kind of backstory up with Anson. The gremblins part is good. I like that. But I think you can build on it - Like Bobby Nelson pointed out.
I'm also curious to know who you consider to be the main character, Anson? or Stephen? Just a thought, because at this point, maybe it's Stephen who has the stronger issue to face... the necessity to come to terms with something that happened in the past. Something he has the desire to atone for...
Overall, it's a good first draft start. And if you have to write through it before making changes, then go for it. Looking forward to catching up on more.
Thank you for the input! That story about the kid in video store IS messed up! I think after all of the very helpful comments, I have decided to go back and indeed rework the beginning scene. I think that in my head before I wrote it, I decided simple was better and served for a better foundation in building things up later- but I can see how readers/viewers may want more to have a better understanding of what is going on. Yeah the transitions- I did get the impression that everyone just kind of has their own view on it and its more of a preference type of thing. I hope to hear from you again on this script when I get more up! Take care.
I know a lot of parents (my friends, actually) whose parents let them watch extreme violence at innapropriate ages. I think that as long as the parents do the job of letting the kids know and make sure they understand that violence like that is WRONG then it turns out to be fine. My friens grew up fine. Hes not a psycho at all. He understands the difference between right and wrong. But, there are the ons out there whose parents never bothered making sure their kids understood what is right and wrong and those are the ones, like Anson, who grow up to me pretty messed up.
I think now, that the gremlins thing would be great. KInda like in my zombie flick with Chris watching Evil dead at age 7. Ansons parents just never made sure he understood the concept of violence. Which is why he playfully "Shoots" them with the real gun, not really realizing what he has done and the wrongness in it.
This has great potential man. I can feel it. I agree with DJ. the important thing with a first draft is just geting the ideas down on paper. You can go back later and tweak it. Just get your thoughts down first.
I agree. I'm one of those parents who will let my kids see 'some' stuff rated for older kids or adults because I'm conditioned to ask them questions to get them to think about what they're watching. But the guy I witnessed in the video store was clearly just a douche who was getting his kicks out of scaring a 4 year old.
Some kids are mentally mature enough to understand older content. But it's up to the parents to monitor and foster that maturity... Oh my God, I'm becoming my parents! :}
What I like most about your script is you've got my attention right away with a horrifying opening scene and pretty good dialogue. The unfolding premise is also intriguing, if I understand it right: a detective confides in a serial killer, essentially an apathetic, 'evil' person, who seems very calm and almost rational in his justification to kill. I'm looking forward to hearing Anson's story and how it makes the movie interesting.
As a benchmark for good guy confiding in bad guy and vice versa, as a story driver, you're up against such movies as Silence of the Lambs, In the Line of Fire, and Seven. I love the dynamic between the protagonists and the evil guys in those movies.
Jim
One thing I wanted to get your opinion on is maybe changing "Stephen" in the character lines to "leggins".
My reasoning behind this is because in the scene heading for the scene where he is introduced, you say "Leggins' House", but then it switches to his first name, "Stephen". I think it should read the same.
But, I think that since he is "Detective Leggins", then his character lines should be Leggins, not Stephen. I know thats his first name, but Stephen is a very common first name, which is fine, but Leggins is not and that is such a cool last name that I think it just sounds better as the character title. Anyway, that's just my opinion. I'll pop in later on and read more. So far so good though. I like it!!
I remember listening to Kevin Smith talk about his Superman script he was rewriting for WB and he said he called him Kal-el, Man of Tomorrow, Man of Steel, Last Son of Krypton, etc etc within the action lines, just to switch it up a little and keep it from getting repetitive.
However, Its superman and most people are familiar with his different nick names.
I think within the action lines though, you should call him Detective Leggins, if, it has to do with him professionally, like, if hes on the job or if he's talking to a co worker, since, That is how he is known to those people.
But, if the scene is between him and his brother, well, he wouldnt be "detective Leggins" in that case. Then, he is playing the role of older brother so Stephen is okay there.
I hope I make sense. I sometimes refer to my Doctor character as "Dr. Mewes" other times I just say "mewes". But his character slug is " Dr. Mewes".
I guess its a matter of opinion. Maybe we should ask someone on the boards about this, huh??
It dealt with an assassin who has 7 different personalities. Each personality had a different skill, or way of killing. During the game, you would have to switch personalities to get by different obstacles.
But, that sounds similar to what you are planning with Anson. I still believe this is a pretty fresh idea though.
It opens up some great potential. The first one that comes to mind is the fact that if Anson has these 2 other personalities with each one killing in a different way, it would really throw cops off of his path because the M.O's are different, but they are the same person.
From the start, I dont understand why you introduce. Johanna in the scene as she isn't. Just to have her voice over without an intro would be fine and then introduce her later. We have no need to KNOW that she is his mother, we would assume that from the way that she speaks. And the fact that Anson then shouts 'ok Mom'
personally I would also separate the different scenes either with main scene headings.
INT. MAIN BEDROOM - DAY
or
just to say
MAIN BEDROOM
would break up the scenes and make them seem punchier. Especially with Anson then going down into the kitchen and then to shoot his mom.
Even still on page 17 I still don't feel why there is a good reason for him to shoot his mom. He says there wasn't himself, so where did this come from.
I like the fact Leggins says that using the gremlins/monsters was just an excuse. But what was the real reason. A reason to keep reading I think.
I like that he is going back and re visiting some of the reasons, but yet even further on in the script I am still very unsure of why?
I like where this is going, ie... in the split personality, and I think the dialogue has come along way. You've learned a lot here, and are really striking out now, with a distinct voice.
Your action lines can some times be a little confusing and your positioning of scene headings, but I defiantly think your getting much better.
I wish you luck hun, keep writing I will be back for more later. (not quite finished the 50 getting tired yet. page 40 wondering what happened to Michelle after all? does she come back into it?)
Dawn
Speak soon...
D
Very powerful opening if shot right too.
When you make Anson age six, I think most viewers are going to picture an innocent kid who uncovers a gun in his daddy's sock drawer and uses it tragically to kill his parents because he thought it was a toy.
So when we go to present day, and I learn that he was almost given life for the incident, and that Stephen remembers it and knew from the get go that there was something evil about him, I say huh???
For me, it is too much of a suspension of disbelief. I don't know of any cases where a six year old was tried for murder (although there was recently a case of an 8 yr old in AZ who killed his dad and a friend, and I think prosecutors are considering trying him as an adult).
I would say to up his age to ten maybe, or have him do more than just shoot his parents in the opening scene - something that would make an adult say "I know he's only six, but with what that child did to his parents, no way, no how we're gonna put him in Juvy!"
Either way, I started reading this. Im on page 12. Ive gotta stop here though.
I found a few typos, ones I know you'll find. One line of dialogue though I thought I'd point out on page 12:
"She puts a single cigarette into her mouth. She lights up."
I don't know many people who smoke two or more cigarettes at a time, Zeke... lol. Id take out "single" and just make it "a cigarette".
Other than that, Its got a silence of the lambs feel to it. I dont mean its like a rip off, Im just saying the interrogation room scenes with Anson and Leggins in the beginning just have that weird, dark tone to them. I can picture it quite well.
Im impressed with how easily you seem to churn out scripts. Youve already got two completed, now this is close. Ive yet to complete one and Ive been working on the same 2 for three years...
Very accomplished script. I just signed up for Zhura and stupidly clicked on it. It's now 2AM, I have read it all in one sitting, I have to be up in 4 hours and I feel I MUST stay up and comment. Hehehe. Ah well.
This is probably going to be a long comment so feel free to take or leave any of the constructive criticism. It's my personal opinion but I will try and back it up with examples.
I loved the myriad of twists and though this script reads kind of generic, I feel with some polishing, it could be elevated to something really good. My main problem with the twists is that they feel a little tacked on. In addition, some of them don't really make sense. Viewers often feel cheated by Plot Twists when they feel arbitrary. Good Plot Twists such as in THE SIXTH SENSE or FIGHT CLUB are written into the very structure of the Script. This means that when you come round to watch the Film a second time, you can see all the signs were there in the beginning.
Even if this kind of foreshadowing isn't put into the screenplay, I feel better exposition of WHY some of the events occurred might strengthen the story. Why was the Lieutenant in on the murders? Was he part of the twisted family or just corrupt in some way? I feel this could have been better explained. Similarly I think Mick's corruption or possibly the corruption seemingly endemic in this police force, could have been alluded to. My reasoning for this is simple. The better grounded plot twists are, the easier they are for an audience to swallow.
Moving slightly on with this, I feel a great place to add some more depth would be in the relationship between Anson, Chloe and the Two Boys and Two Girls. Questions I wanted to know included are the boys related to him as well? Was Chloe some kind of Psycho who just turned her children the same way or did she have some kind of master plan? Was she training them to be some kind of assassins? Is she a Foster Mother who takes in bad kids and makes them worse? I also didn't quite understand how she could take him home seemingly straight after the parenticide when we are told that he spent 10 years in a Loony Bin. I think with some clever scene insertion and linking to the final scenes, you could get in some more pages and explain why the family ended up being so messed up. Otherwise it just seems coincidence that these six serial killers all end up together. I do love the way the whole multiple personalities of Anson plays out. I think the fact it is multiple people is one of the strongest parts of the script.
One thing I think might also need looking at, is the character of Anson. He seems quite a tragic figure and yet at the same time, we are supposed to regard him as evil. I think you might have to choose which one you want to go for. I personally like the tragic aspects of his personality. The times when he realises what he has done. The crying. It also seems that he actually only ever really kills 'BAD' people. I.e. his Sick Family, Barry, The Corrupt Mick and Lieutenant. Obviously he must die but I feel that maybe he needs to be either sympathetic or just pure evil. Otherwise viewers get confused.
If he was to be sympathetic, one way of unifying some of these issues as I see it would be to make his Parents death a genuine accident. A boy killing his parents due to a fantastical obsession with his Gremblins or making his claims of parental abuse more vivid. Possibly expanding on the whole 'listening to his parents having sex' vibe. Either way, you could then have Chloe adopting him and possibly being inspired by his murderous mistake and twisting it into making him a real killer. Just a thought.
Anyway I hope I haven't tried to rewrite your entire script. I guess I just got so invested in the story I felt I must comment as an excuse to immerse myself in that world just a little bit stronger.
If you want any more comments, advice or clarification, please let me know. Keep writing. You have a great style and I look forward to reading more from you.
Thank you so much for the input, here. I was looking to add 10-15 pages of this, and I think you really touched on some spots I too was thinking about reworking or adding onto, in regard to explaining some of the characters' reasoning or involvement to the murders. Your comment by no means insulted me, so no need to even worry about that. You really touched on some good points and gave me some good input, here. I'm also happy to know that you kept on reading this and it kept you interested. Thank you for the compliment on my writing style, and please feel free to read my other work and never hesitate to give me your input. Take care.
Ok here are my thoughts, as I feel them and then there will be an over all impressions and such.
Opening scene.
It is a great opener but also a horrific one. No one wants to see a 6 year old kid shoot his parents.
Also you use 'Con't' in your script I am unsure if this is practised now. Although I do know that some script writing software does put them in automatically if the dialogue is broken by an action sequence. I think there was a thread on this in discussions a while back.
Page 11,
I'm a little unsure that you would be able to hear the news reporter from outside the electronics shop. Maybe you would have to go inside?? Just seems a little odd, to stand outside and be able to hear it. Maybe its different in America, but here we can see the pictures but not hear them.
Earlier the lieutenant says Leggins is treating Anson like a friend, and when he goes back into the interrogation room, he still does that. I think some of his dialogue could be tightened in these scenes, they don't feel to me like a cop would say some.
Eg Leggins
You've brought fear into this city and killed innocent people who never got the chance to show the world what they were made of.
Or if you were in fact attempting to make a point, it should read with a period...
You've brought fear into this city and killed innocent people. People who never got the chance to show the world what they were made of.
Same sentence just different depth.
Page 13, you enter a flash back but don't state this. I thought the grave scene was present day, not of Anson's parents earlier, until the (OS) It needs clearing up.
Also the Anson here should still be OS and not 'Cont's'.
I am a little confused, Anson never wanted to kill his mother, but when he has the gun in his hand as a kid, he doesn't seem to hesitate?
Leggins also seems to flit from one question to another quite quickly. Is this a form of trick questioning to get Anson to trip up? It seems a little too fast in some spots. I feel like Anson still has more to say, but then the question changes.
I am also unsure as if the newspaper clipping would actually get hold of such a photo of the gun on his parents floor.
Also earlier Anson said that he had buried it, and used the gun again. How did he manage this if the cops already had it in the first original crime?
Page 21
I think the flash back to the gambling should be after the interrogation scene. It seems to come from no where. If Leggins asks him questions first then he has the flash, would seem more in sequence.
Also think Leggins should ask about his business partner, as Im confused as to who he is on about? even with the flash back. Barry I presume.
Up to page 22, will continue this at work.
Dawn
Barry's dialogue seems a little stressed on pages 23. I feel it could be tightened some what, to make him really sound like a hard man. At the moment he waffles a lot over something which I would have thought he had said a lot.
Page 26. Is the (VO) on Leggins too if he is in fact listening to a tape recording in his car?
Also you say Leggins pulls onto HIS street. How would we know this? really it is just a street.
I also think he would pull into his drive then stop the tape, think doing so while driving would be quite difficult.
I also wasn't aware we had met Wesley yet. Or am I just blond from this morning? Sorry.
Typo 28 should be A woman in her, not AN woman
Page 31 where you end your scene and start the next one I think where she pulls the lieutenant to one side should be in the next scene heading, not before it.
Page 32 I also think the lieutenant would also say it was the psych who wants him in an institute, not beat around the bush with loads of words.
Page 33 Typo half way down, Leggins needs a Cap L.
Page 35. Missing word from Anson's dialogue, should read ' You KNOW that stuff's going to...'
Page 38. I know it is supposed to happen but I think the shopping scene and the fact that he gets picked up by a girl doesn't seem right. I think saying something about seeing this girl in voice over would alleviate the fact it looks like it comes out the blue.
I dont think Vera would be allowed to handle the case if Anson had indeed killed her entire family. In fact it wouldnt be possible, because she would be too close to the case, and no matter how hard she tried to fight it, someone higher up would take it from her, and pass it to someone else. I would think about changing that part.
Page 51, when Anson opens his eyes you need to end flash back. Also because you end with Anson talking to himself as the voice over, I had no idea that this flash back was indeed Leggin's I think you need to put him in a scene and then add the flash back, as I thought it was indeed Anson's.
I will have to admit hun that I don't think this is as good as some of your other writing. I don't know why but it just doesn't seem to fit with me, and because of all the flash backs, I'm struggling to read it, and be able to follow it without having to constantly look to see what characters I have met and haven't met.
Page 58, Continuity, if Leggins says he has been here recently then Kerry should also say it, and not lately.
Up to 61 but battery is running low, be back later.
Dawn
Yes, blond moment regards the early introduction of Wesley, for some reason I thought also he was his son, and not brother. ? Ummm glad I had a quick re read before I got going on this again. (I do miss things Im only human lol)
I noticed sometimes you use Anson's and sometimes Ansons' just needs a good read through to get rid of the latter.
I have to admit, that I think the script flows better from about page 65, maybe its because it doesn't involve so many flash backs.
I did believe that Jeffery was in fact a figment of his imagination, but there were real hints in there that he wasn't and in fact there ya go. Bam yep he is another guy. Cool. I didn't see it, and I did. Good effect there. I like that.
Ooo grinding tank.
I do think leading up to the climax is well written, and the twists to the plot have been well thought out. I would however like a few more clues in there that the family is all so related, and that things tie in together a little more.
I feel that these six characters need something more, how they became what they are, Anson's two sister, and the other two boys, are they also his brother? Am not so sure there, seems they are a lot younger than Anson, so he would have had quite a child hood.
I also think that if Anson had such a long time in a psychiatric ward in the first instance, that some scenes of this would be good. Perhaps with even a visitor or two, his sisters. Psych places can be extremely scary and of course more place for mental torture.
I think Anson is an evil person, but in a way I also feel sorry for him. I think you should try and instil one emotion in us and not conflicting ones. Personally I think the feeling sorry for him is slightly stronger and maybe that is how you should play it out.
I was trying to think of a log line for this, but I am really unsure of what to put for this. It really is a psychopathic film.
I think I would like to read this again when you have added a bit more, perhaps it might also be clearer on who is who, and what in the second draft.
Keep writing, and good luck.
Dawn
With some added scenes I think it will improve greatly.
D
First of all, when you first introduce BARRY, INT. DETRIOT CASINO - NIGHT you seriously get it fubared. "A wealthy man black man, BARRY DELAWISE, 40's, black, white suit, approaches the table." lol. We get it, he's male, he's black. You don't need to rub it in.
Second of all, I'm getting really confused with the supers dealing with BARRY. It jumps from 10 years earlier to 7 years earlier, back and forth, but it all seems to take place on the same day. Or I am missing something? Nah, I think this one's on you.
Otherwise, its pretty breathtaking.
Oh btw...There is a John Cusack movie, can't think of the name of it off the top of my head, but its about a bunch of random people trapped in a hotel during a storm, and they get picked off one by one. Its the only movie I can't think of right now that has that MPD serial killer motif.
2) When Kerry breaks the news to Vera about her husband and son's death, it's just not...sentimental enough. As a detective, she would have more training in handling delicate situations. Otherwise, her boss would know to send someone else... Ease into it more, man. It can't be "well, this is gonna suck, but your family is dead." Take your time with it, make it gentle. It's not gonna break the flow of things if you slow it down a tad.
3) I don't know why, but my favorite quote is "I'm lactose intolerant". I hear it in my head and its like...christ. it gives me cold chills. lmao. Better than Silence Of The Lambs, that quote.
Could you maybe make it a little (read:way more) obvious what everyone's relationship is? Like, who's adopted, and who's biologically related, and how? That's the only part that needs serious revamping. Otherwise, I wouldn't change a thing. Other than your typos, of course. lol.
And just a tip-- try leaving out any "CONTINUOUS" headings. They're not necessary. A reader will know if a scene continued from another, it's implied. Just stick to INT. or EXT. - LOCATION - TIME OF DAY... that's it and that's all. It makes the reader's job a lot easier b/c he knows what to expect.
Here's an excerpt from David Trottier's Screenwriter's Bible ---- "If it is already obvious that one scene follows the other continuously without any time gaps or lapses, then it is not necessary to use CONTINUOUS... When in doubt as to what to do, always opt for clarity. Make it easy for your reader. Thus, I recommend that you always include all three parts of the master scene heading" (p. 131). So, that's your job as the writer... To make the reader's job as easy as possible while still telling a compelling, riveting, and emotional story. Thus far, I'd give the story a 4 but some the holes are hard to look past, so I'll bring it down to a 3.5/5... but you have a good foundation to build a strong screenplay after revisions.
:D
:D
More "Continuous" chit chat? Do we gotta?
I'm gonna shut the heck up now, since I've only gotten 25 pages in on this script... lol
-H
Gun With The Wind
How I Killed Them Gremlins
Hello, Victims!
Glock, Glock! Who's there?
35th in a series
That's great.
:D
gotta love that kev.
So in a situation like that, who do you listen too?
When it was brought up for my benefit, by a wonderfully helpful girl, I think she was just trying to simplify my already riddled, jumbled formatting...
Anyway... Gun is a great title... it must be, right? There's only one other script that has more views than Gun does...
And that title is just as compelling for a one-worder... S T E A L E R S.
Just my official opinion. lol
Anyhow, I'll stop clogging up your comments until I actually have the time to finish reading Gun... sorry for the excessive chit chat.
I haven't read Stealers, either, and have wanted to for a long time.
Less talk, more action.
-H
Also, of course this is an alias. But I'm not sure who Chadwick is? I'm a screenwriter out of Las Vegas, but I live in L.A. now. I'm not comfortable with using my name here. I'd like to be able to help young aspiring writers without actually divulging my name. And I can tell you from experience, formatting is essential. I was able to gain representation because of the unique stories in my screenplays. But my formatting wasn't up-to-date. If I'd fixed that before I sent my work out in hope of getting an agent, it may have been easier. Of course, this is only advice and advice need not be followed. But I would urge you to think hard about keeping your work up-to-date with today's changes. There are thousands of writers around your age that are smoothing out their writing styles so they may tell the cleanest story they can. It's a competition. You must realize that formatting is the foundation that you build your story (e.g. your house) upon. If your formatting is flawed, even in the slightest way, your story (house) will fall.
Flawless proficiency in English, literacy - no overnight disguise can achieve that. It would be amazing! :D
Welcome aboard! :)
Zeke, it's Mr. Synyster, not Synster, although he is from The Sin City.
BTW, I lived there for 6 years. [Ain't that something?]
It looks that you are a valuable addition to our forum here. Let's explore!
"I'm not comfortable with using my name here. I'd like to be able to help young aspiring writers without actually divulging my name".
I understand that, to some extent.
On the other hand, Hollywood is all about celebrity status, including screenwriters. You want to become a celebrity in Hollywood and around the world, but you protect your privacy here?
Some day, I wish we all succumb to becoming too famous for such concerns.
:)
Your comments don't incite animosity, at least not with me. It does invoke thought and discussion, which is a good thing, right?
Think about some of the greatest thrillers/horrors in recent decades... SCREAM, PSYCHO, THE SIXTH SENSE, ALIENS, HALLOWEEN, etc. They're all simple but they get their point across. You see the title and you immediately know what you're in store for. But then there are titles like "DOG DAY AFTERNOON," which take a different approach. Pierson's script could have just as easily been titled BANK JOB or something similar. PSYCHO could have been titled KNIFE or MOTHER or something silly like that. These films would have been just as good, of course, but the titles are iconic, they last. Just think about that. You are the writer. You're an artist. It's your call. But you should at least attempt to sum up some creative power to give birth to some interesting title.
I take everyone's comments and suggestions into account and I'll do the same with your suggestion for the title... I was actually trying to think of something else earlier just as a backup. Not sure yet what I plan on doing with it. I see what you're saying with the established rep but I did write this one before I was established. Either way, your comments toward me have been constructive not destructive, so there's no hard feelings. And as Dorin pointed out, your grammar is good, therefore you cannot be Chad. Lol.
You're right in how you take comments, suggestions and critiques. It's the only way to grow as an artist.
Also, anyone remember the wild west video game on xbox, ps2, and xbox 360? It was like a stripped down GTA in the west. It was called Gun... lol.
I'll be testing your sense of humor, too.:)
"But you should at least attempt to sum up some creative power to give birth to some interesting title."
Ezekiel, time for you to get pregnant.
Not to worry - there's enough testosterone around...
Or, if you want the other approach and be the Dad of the titles, you could summon your "creative juices" (pun intended :D ) and become an Octodad, if you are fertile enough.
You should be.
Just so you know, boys and girls: by comparison, a domestic ram, "breeding stud", produces, in one harvesting session, enough sperm from his grass-touching cojones to artificially inseminate, theoretically and practically, over 10,000 ewes (don't say Ewww now - it's pure science, baby). Seriously.
Now, back to Hollywood.
ALIENS...this Friday, in selected cities. Reserve in advance.
PSYCHO...see it, to escape your own reality (?).
SCREAM...a date movie you'll never forget. She'll be a screamer.
AMERICAN GANGSTER...coming soon, to a crackhouse near you.
THE FIRM...you wish.
lolol
But again, a six year old boy wouldn't know to pull back the hammer of the gun, he could squeeze the trigger again and again, but still there is the explosion and the recoil of the gun. I think this would scare the child unless the child was taught to use the gun,in this case the noise of the explosion and the recoil wouldn't bother the kid. There was a 9 year old kid who used a shotgun to kill his dad and his dad's friend, and this is in real life, but the dad was the one who taught him to use the gun. By the way, a snubbed nose .38 Smith and Wesson is like a sawed off Shotgun. the barrel of the gun is really short.
Great job man, i really enjoyed it...
You had good planning with this one and kept the suspense up the whole time!
Definitely Bad Ass
Jeffrey was fucked up haha
A small television sits in the corner of the room. On the...
TV SCREEN
is a REPORTER standing before a small school.
... then comes the dialogue. That seems to flow a little better to me.
-- Also, maybe you could extend the news report. If you really think about it, that piece of dialogue is gonna go real quick. And I think we, as an audience, would benefit from a little more coverage. The more the reporter gives us, the more we'll realize how important this event was.
-- When you introduce Anson, you might want to give us some idea of his character. I'm not sure what, but this is going to be your main character so we need to get some sense of what makes this kid unique. Not just what he's wearing, but maybe a unique physical trait like a scar or something, or some kind of mannerism that he'll continue to do even when he's older.
-- Some of these action lines will definitely benefit from some condensing, or compacting, or descriptions.
EX:
Anson lies his toys onto his bed gently. He takes the medal cross off of his neck.
He places it between the two toys.
This could become........
Anson places his toys on his bed, removes his medal cross, lies it between the toys.
That's just an example, but if you try to do that throughout the script it'll do wonders for the overall flow.
-- Another example on the bottom of p. 2 :
He drops the gloves. He picks up the gun. He leaves the room.
Try...
He drops the gloves, grabs the gun, skips out the door.
-- p. 3 ... How beautiful is Johanna? Give us some creative way of describing this woman. Maybe she's as beautiful as an ocean sunset. Or as pretty as the pearls that swing from her neck. You know, something that gives us a picture in a way.
-- you'd benefit greatly from using secondary headings, or mini sluglines. A great example would be on pg. 3....
INT. DINING ROOM - DAY
Anson slides along the dining room wall. Yadda yadda yadda...
Anson pops out into the doorway.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
ANSON
I got you now!
...... Okay, so let's try something different.....
INT. DINING ROOM - DAY
Anson sneaks down a wall, past the dinner table, and peaks...
THROUGH THE DOORWAY
where Johanna washes dishes over the kitchen sink. She's 30 and thin. As pretty as the pearls swinging from her neck.
JOHANNA
Your daddy needs the gloves for the yardwork, hun!
Anson readies himself and pounces into the...
KITCHEN
as he raises the gun toward his mother.
ANSON
I got you now!
... get the point? I think this is one of the greatest tricks a screenwriter can use. It's unbelievably helpful in creating a narrative flow for the reader to follow.
-- in Johanna's response to the gun, she says "Jesus, I told your father to get rid of that months ago." I would take that out. I'm thinking she would only say things to persuade Anson to drop it, ya know.
-- pg. 4 I would try to never use a "?!" I would either use a ? or !... even if the sentence is supposed to have a ? you can still end it with an ! for emphasis.
-- I love how Anson places Ivan's hand over Johanna's... pretty heavy stuff.
-- pg. 8... "Wesley, late 30s, walks staggers the kitchen"... just delete walks and add "through"
-- pg. 9... I'd recommend not using I/E for headings. It's basically understood that when you're in a car we'll be seeing the exterior at times. You don't have to, but I'd suggest just putting INT. to keep from being distracting.
-- pg. 9 ..... Maybe I'm wrong, but I wouldn't have thought a kid as young as Anson would ever be considered for life in prison. I'd either change that line or explain why they didn't assume it was just another accident, like every murder by a young child is considered to be.
-- pg. 9 ... SUPER: St. Paul, Minnesota... You supered Minnesota at the beginning, and I don't think we ever left. So, I don't think you need that.
-- pg. 10 -- the dialogue between the Lieutenant and Anson is pretty creepy. I'd just try to make it start slower and then build toward hostility, if you get me. It seems like right away the Lieutenant is at level 6 and gradually builds higher, but maybe he could start at about level 3, then climb toward being angrier.
All in all, the first 10 pages set everything up very well. There are tiny places that need editing, and overall the flow will improve greatly with the use of secondary headings and from condensing action lines. But the basic story and structure sets the audience up to be extremely interested in where the story in headed. And that's the true objective. Nice work.
I took notes on the 1st 10 pages as requested. Since I'm familiar with your writing style, I focused on grammatical errors, or formatting and not story. There are a few story questions, so be ready. No sticky notes, my laptopn died. R.I.P. HP Pavillion...
First thing that came to mind was you have THREE killers under the age of ten. What the heck is in the water?? LOL Ok, the page by page as follows:
PG 1
He wears a medal cross. Do you metal or cross-shaped medal?
Remember active tense sentences. "Anson's room is covered" should be redone. "Posters of cartoon monsters cover..." or something.
You CAP the name when the person is first on the scene, so Johanna would be capped in the kitchen scene.
You need a new slugline when he goes into the hall.
"He searches down..." What does that mean?
PG 2
Tiptoes is one word and no apostrophe.
You can get rid of "his way" when he enters the bedroom. It's one of several redundancies.
Ditch the second "he" in "...near the edge of the dresser and HE picks...". Also, since he picks it up, "He holds in his hand..." is redundant.
I'd switch your mirror line to read "He squints his left eye and pretends to take shots."
We don't know what his father is digging holes for unless you tell us, so I'd say he sees his father in the yard gardening.
Your last line is kinda jagged. "He drops the gloves. He picks up the gun. He leaves the room." It just doesn't flow.
PG 3
What does "Anson's feet leave creaks..." mean? Are you saying the stairs creak as he goes down? Just checking.
No comma in the line "...stands in the kitchen washing dishes."
Watch for double prepositions. "Anson pops OUT INTO..." We speak like that but it's poor grammar.
"Trek" doesn't seem like the right word to me. A trek is a word for travel, like hike.
PG 4
She shouldn't call a gun a toy. That only encourages him to keep playing.
You have the words "over to the" in 2 consecutive sentences.
No first letter cap in your parenthetical (Crying) and on PG 5 (Yells)
Rises from the ground, redundant.
PG 5
Your second action set seems better suited to be the first unless you mean the blood has spread that quickly across the floor.
I've been told by pros to avoid "begins". Not sure what the big deal is.
No period after "Back to room"
PG 6
The reporters can't surround the line. Try "crowds" or something.
Your Chief's dialogue needs work. Doesn't seem natural or like ones I've seen on the news. For the second part of it "Jefferey Boggins is..." I'd cut out the middle part.
PG 7
Why do you have the character intro'ed as ANTHONY/LIEUTENANT? You only do that when you have a character changed somehow. First IDed as MAN, then he's named. Stuff like that.
If he has a carton of cigs in his pocket, he has HUGE pants! I think you meant "pack". LOL
"The door swings OPEN"
PG 8
"He cracks open a beer" and ditch the rest. We know beer came from the fridge unless he's a weirdo or there's a cooler in the scene.
PG 9
You don't use objects as character headings. It should read "reporter", not "radio".
In the report, Anson didn't win the case by arguing anything, he was 6. His ATTORNEYS did.
Ditch the SUPER of St Paul.
"Two GUARDS lead Anson into a small conference room. We alreaedy know they hold people by the arms, so no need to tell. Also, they don't "toss" him into a chair unless they pick him up. How about "force", "shove", etc?
CAP Lieutenant.
Like A.T. said, I'd have the cop build in anger slower. Also, why is he so angry? Did he know a victim or has he been after Anson for a while? Pretty good start to the story, but I'm wondering what made Anson the way he is? You jump from killing his parents, to a short stint in a home, to spree killer. Maybe a bit more backstory is forthcoming later in the script. I'll read on...
How is it that the house remained untouched for 19 years? The dust would be an inch thick and the house would be moldering away if no one took care of it. The vandals and thieves and souveneir seekers would have trashed it.
I suspect it would have been sold and a nice new family would be living there.
??
Didn't do much for me.
With a title like you have given this screenplay I was expecting some sort of out and out carnage.
Disappointing!
FINALLY I have been able to start reading other people's work. I just started this piece of yours and I am proud to say VERY interested. I think you and I have the same taste in films so I can relate to what I've read so far. I am only 10 pages deep, but I find myself not clicking around on random discussions and staying glued to this haha, which is a lot for me. I will continue to read about 10-15 more pages tonight. I also really liked the bubble gum gun line, clever.
Later man,
Jameson
Not for me I'm afraid!
Visual is the way to go.
"Real pro like..." Just like most others here!
The suspense kills me...haha!!
Real pro like! :)
Really good script, not my bag o tea, but really good.
The only thing I can even think to change would be to rename Jeffery, the Dahmer allusion is a little too cheesy for me.