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Discovery
License:
Views: 73
Comments: 11
Created 4 years, 1 month ago
Edited 3 years, 1 month ago
Category: Feature Film
Idea: Discovery
Page / 1

Comments
D. A. Washington (Sent 3 years, 8 months ago)
You have descent dialogue in this script. But where is the action? Are they standing in the middle of the room or are they sitting down on the furniture? Action lines or otherwise known as description paragraphs tells and paints the picture for the audience. It's also importing for pacing.

Another point, is there are some minor formatting issues that can easily be corrected.

When you set up the scene, it should start with INT, which means the scene is inside, EXT. which means that the action and the setting is outside and I/E, meaning the action is inside and outside. example:

INT. PARKER'S HOUSE- MORNING

Now, don't get me wrong, you have done a good job, doing it the wrong way. Does this make any sense? There are a few other problems as well.

The reason why I say this is because, in Hollywood, most scripts get's tossed because of format issues. The story could be great, but if it's not properly formatted, it will get tossed.
Simply put, you can navigate through the help page on Zhura and it will walk you through the proper way of doing this.
D. A. Washington (Sent 3 years, 8 months ago)
Check your mail. I left you a note.
D. A. Washington (Sent 3 years, 8 months ago)
Now you are bringing your script to life.
Dawn Chapman (Sent 3 years, 8 months ago)
I thought I would stop by and offer a little advice...

From the beginning, there is only a few things I noticed. You tend to use past tense, i.e ING

Riding walking, cleaning.

This makes the script read passivly if that is the word I am thinking of. Where as the first part of action should read something like.

ie
A normal street sidewalk. Kids ride their bikes and walk with their parents. A young couple hand in hand, also walk down the street.


The dialogue flows well, and we learn its going to be an adventure for the kids, there is plenty of scope to work with.

Keep writing, and I will pop back when I get another chance.

Dawn
philip gary lombard (Sent 3 years, 8 months ago)
Rather than writing "X is washing the dishes" -- simply say "X washes the dishes". Eliminating the word "is" from all actions will make the read more dynamic, and it IS something the industry uses to judge your writing ability and script.

Page 4: Delete "are all sitting in Stella's bedroom". You've already told us that in the scene heading.

Dont put actions in your parentheses -- these are reserved for giving the actor instructions on how to say his or her lines.

Your pacing and structure do not work. The children's goal is established by page 11. This is way too soon. The goal of saving the world should happen somewhere between page 25 - 30. Take the first 10 pages to set up your characters better. Then have an event occur directly after which will get the story rolling. This is what we call the inciting incident. The big event will then be when the children are told they're going to save the world and are transported to Stockholm.
Chad Fleagle (Sent 3 years, 8 months ago)
I'm honestly a little lost with the entire story. What exactly is it about? Are these children mutants or magic users? What are they and why have they been brought to the castle?

As I think others have already said there is very little action. But the dialogue is well written from a child's perspective.

You need to pull us into your story from the start. This one starts off a little slow for my tatse but it has potential. Watch out for the ING and LY at the end of certain words describing actions.

Most important is to get us into the story by at least page ten or even eleven. I'll continue to look for your updates. If you ever need help just ask me.

Chad
Earl Thompson (Sent 3 years, 8 months ago)
First of all, you must start a screenplay with Fade In, the you get into the scene heading. You have EXT. INTRODUCTION. you cannot have that. EXT. means outside, your heading is saying EXTERIOR INTRODUCTION, and of cours that doesn't make any sense. INT and EXT. must be followed by places, for eg. EXT. HOUSE, INT. HOUSE.
And I imagine you want these headings to appear on the screen, if that's the case, you should use SUPERIMPOSE, SUPER for short. So you would say
SUPER: GARDEN, ROYAL PALACE OF STOCKHOLM
SUPER: ANNETTE'S BEDROOM- ROYAL PALACE OF SWEDEN
This is telling the director that you want these to be shown on the screen so that the audience can be aware of this.
Gregory D Goyins (Sent 3 years, 8 months ago)
He's baaaaaaaack!
Earl Thompson (Sent 3 years, 8 months ago)
Yeah, I'm back. I'd like you to know that scene headings written properly is a very important part of writing a script.
Dawn Chapman (Sent 3 years, 7 months ago)
Great bit of re writing going on here, I can see a vast improvement. Even in the first few pages.

Keep on going I like this story.

Dawn
Paul Hefley (Sent 1 year, 1 month ago)
Where does this story take place? Location can play a very important part in a story. If used properly, it can act as an additional character.

"A normal street sidewalk" -- What's normal? Be more specific. You're a writer, right? Use your imagination. Bring your world to life for us.

Keep writing!