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Dirty Work
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(Based on 3 ratings)
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License:
Views: 187
Comments: 43
Comments: 43
By Ryan Croft
Created 3 years, 5 months ago
Edited 2 years, 5 months ago
Category: Feature Film
Genres: Action
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Spec scripts are what most of us write. They are the screenplays that we send out to try to get bought, real in agents with, etc.
A shooting script is generally the finished product, something that's been bought by a company/agency, and is in the process of being made into a film. You'll notice different things if you look at a spec script and a shooting script formating wise. If you look through a shooting script you might see OMITED and such.
You spelled the word VEINS incorrectly. I'm don't think you need to use spins 360 degrees. Just write it out as three-hundred-sixty degrees.
The whole entire floor is filled with cubicles. What you wrote there contradicts itself. Just say the ENTIRE floor, not whole and entire, they conflict and mean the same.
No need to capitalize ERIC's HEART BEATS in your action line. The word simultaneously needs spelled as I have it. You really don't need to tell us two gunshots go off and who's gun they come from. Make the line easy and direct. EXAMPLE: Eric slides out from between a cubicle. Quickly unloading two bullets into the security guards. I was taught less description is more when dealing with action.
I notice when he moves into the elevator his name changes from Eric to Jack. No knife in this world can slice through steel cables holding a couple tons of elevator.
For the sake of realism in your script. Eric just had two guns aimed at the fat man and where did the police come from so fast? He drops his guns trying to explain that he was trying to sell him soap. For one those officers wouldn't let him move a muscle before opening fire. Let alone pull out the explosive and toss them a piece. I think the explosion would kill everyone in the room.
Remember to have Eric pick his gun back up before aiming it.
I really like the pacing. Though you should think out your action lines more before you write them. It seems to me that maybe you're rushing them just to get your ideas out and onto the computer. Make the action flow smooth and make it precise. Just don't try to put it into to many lines. Straight and to the point is the key. Also realism but that is a given in a fiction story.
Interesting beginning and keep going with this. I hope I wasn't to hard on you with my comments. It's my intention to help you better the script not ruin your ideas.
Chad
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"No need to capitalize ERIC's HEART BEATS in your action line."
I'm not sure I agree with that statement. I felt,like when I read it, that Ryan was trying to emphasize the SOUND of ERIC'S HEART BEAT. When you write a screenplay you can emphasize what SOUNDS stick out by putting them in ALL CAPS; the same goes with SPECIFIC ITEMS. Now IN MY OPINION, when I read it, I imagine that all the sound in the world of DIRTY WORK vanished and all we, the audience, could hear was the pulse of the HEART BEAT (the bass or whatever).
"No knife in this world can slice through steel cables holding a couple tons of elevator."
You're right with that BUT, aren't we suppose to be allowing ourselves not only as readers but audience members to be wrapped up in that "willing sense of disbelief"? So would someone really question this? That's the question that needs to be asked here. I mean, when I saw The Dark Knight I didn't say "oh that's impossible, there's nothing like that invented at this time." I allowed myself to be in that "willing sense of disbelief".
"For the sake of realism in your script."
Again, I'll make reference to that "willing sense of disbelief."
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Chad's absolutely right though when it comes to the comments I made. Not necessarily right in the corrections that need to be made BUT right in the way that you need to really think about these things. It's YOUR screenplay and everyone's a critic. You're not going to be able to satisfy everyone so I guess just really think about it and write how you feel it should be done.
Chad, not trying to put you off or make enemies with my counters to your comments. Just trying to promote thinking. Trying to see both sides of the fence you know. That's all. I hope you weren't offended as that wasn't my intention. Good luck Ryan.
I'm not saying that Chad's right and I'm wrong or that I'm right and Chad is wrong. Chad has posed some good points. I'm simply trying to pose both sides of things to think about. I'm not perfect and there will be those who disagree with me and those who disagree with Chad and those who agree and disagree with "JOE SMOE." It is ultimately up for you to decide what to do. If I may be so bold as to direct you to a few screenplays that seem to be in the same areas one, perhaps as inspiration or help.
THE MATRIX
SIN CITY
SHOOT 'EM UP
First off, you tell us he's a thrill seeker, then he says "by day an average buisness man but by night, well it's pretty self explanitory" but if we watched this, we would'nt know what is self explanitory. Unless he says that part just after he goes off the building.
Next scene that starts with "Eric brushes himself off" is a bit of a large block of sentences, try breaking them up, three lines max.
I don't get this on page 2, Above Jack is darkness, do you mean Eric?
Am I right in saying you got the fire extinguisher bit from Die Hard 4?, not that there's anything wrong if you did, I'm just curious?
Personally, I'd strongly get rid of the Asta Levesta, now don't if someone else says you should'nt but it seems a bit cheesy to me, even just have Eric flash a quick, fake smile to Paul. Does'nt need to speak any words, but again only my opinion.
That bit about him burning himself in shower, is a nice subtle touch to show more of his character.
Ok look at page 8, with the next target, Jacob Bradshaw, I don't know what was pulled out? Just write that in action lines I think.
When Holly's on the phone and you can't see her in the same scene, have (V.O) beside her name.
Same with page 9 with Eric on phone.
And last bit of action line there, you can break up aswell.
I'll edit a bit there now, but I'll leave the bits with the phone, voice over, so you can see what I mean.
Its good though, character Eric is likeable, dialogue is grand, and that's a great opening scene. I just hope that the villain in this piece has even more of a kick ass persona than Eric.
When you write a lot more of this let me know and I'll come back.
Gotta rate it now, so I'm just throwing down a 3 star, but I'll rate it properly when its finished, cause its unfair to rate something after 10 pages.
Trottier and Field have both said that it's four lines max. That's what I've personally always stuck to. Unless there's been someone sort of statement by the big wigs saying they are looking for descriptive blocks with a maximum of three lines. Until otherwise, I'd stick with four lines max for a block of description. Of course, less is better. Keep it lean. Keep it tight. Good luck.
From what Trottier and Field say, industry standard is FADE IN: justified to the left and FADE OUT: justified to the right. Has there been a change to this? If there has I've been left outta the loop! :) Just curious.
"I can see you wanted to emphasize on it. It's not really a formatting error or anything of that extent, but what I usually do when I want to emphasize things in here, is I italicize a good bit. So I might say Eric's heart beats, italicizing beats only."
Again, the tops dogs like Trottier and Field say italics are an industry standard "no-no". Has this changed?
Don't want to start rivalries or debates. I just want to make sure that I'm doing things correctly and when giving advice that I'm giving correct advice.
Like I said, from what I've read from Trottier, Field, and the likes ... industry standard is justify FADE IN: to the left, justify FADE OUT: to the right, and NEVER use italics. Any help on this one? Just curious. Thanks for any info on this.
Syd Field, writer of Screenplay: Foundations of Screenwriting, Screenwriter's Workbook, The Screenwriter's Problem Solver, etc.
You haven't read these yet? These are very good books to read. I HIGHLY recommend them. Syd Field is a very respected man in the world of screenplays. Trottier has his own section in SCRIPT magazine under DR. FORMAT. Two well known authorities on screenwriting.
Yes we can definitely both agree on that haha.
I've noticed, in any professional screenplay, whether it be Tarantino, Nolan, Rodriguez, Lucas, etc., that most screenplays justify FADE IN: to the left and FADE OUT: to the right and MAYBE i've seen an italic ONCE. That's just what I've seen though. Like I said. Things could have very well changed in the industry. Thanks for playing it cool Ezekiel.
I am going to take issue with the opening scene because it simply is not interesting enough or challenging enough to establish Eric as a skilled gun for hire; I do not come away thinking that is one badass MF.
What happens here? He rapels 50 stories from the top of an OFFICE building in the dead of night, and is immediately accosted by 2 security guards who seem to be expecting him. Goes into an elevator shaft, cuts the cords, goes through some elevator shaft shennanigans, comes out on the right floor and is suddenly chasing his target down a stairwell and so on.
I think you can use the voice over to better advantage in laying out this scene. Have you considered introducing the target earlier? Maybe the camera follows the target into the building. There's security in the lobby, security at the elevators, a special code needs to be keyed in to get to the floor, the elevator opens - more security, the floor where the drug dealer works is armed to the wazoo.
The whole time Eric is doing his V.O., about why he couldn't lead an average life, but during this whole build up, the audience is thinking the guy the camera is following is Eric. Then cut to Eric on the 80th floor as he leaps off the building.
Now you have established that this is a high security building, and you've established who Erics target is. I also think having this take place at midday would be better because it establishes Eric as being very brazen.
Anyway, just some thoughts.
I don't understand why he is rappelling into a high rise "office" building in the dead of night to take out a drug dealer?
The opening scene becomes a lot more interesting if
Just another thought. You definitely have a good start to the script and an interesting character.
I see you're using a MONTAGE/SERIES OF SHOTS effect here. Generally a SERIES OF SHOTS will use the A) B) C) format but the two headings of SERIES OF SHOTS/MONTAGE are said to be interchangeable but what I want to point out is the fact that you forgot to include the main idea of the MONTAGE/SERIES OF SHOTS.
ex. MONTAGE - ERIC CLEANS UP
etc. etc.
Know what I mean. With a MONTAGE/SERIES OF SHOTS you need to give the reader/audience the basic idea of what the effect is going to show/contain. Something to think about. Good luck with the writing and keep it up.
Anyways, your opening scene. EXT. CHICAGO - NIGHT
In my opinion, it's very good. Without using sluglines and by description alone I, as the reader, was able to travel in and back out of chicago. I saw INT. and EXT. just with your description. In my opinion, well done.
My only comment about it is this ... you wrote.
"The icy pond is filled with people skating."
What icy pond? Imagine that someone who is not from Chicago is reading this, they wouldn't have any idea about what pond you're referring to? Get what I mean? Make it specific or make it very general ...
example:
An icy pond is filled with people skating.
etc. etc.
Something to think about for the rewrite. Of course, all this is my opinion. Good luck with the writing!
My only thing is this that you wrote this ...
"SUPER: CHICAGO"
When you use a SUPER: you have to put the words to be superimposed in quotations and place a period at the end. That's how it's supposed to be formatted. So it will look like this ...
SUPER: "CHICAGO."
Weird isn't it? Just something to think about during the rewrite. Good luck!
"SUPER: CHICAGO"
I put what you wrote in quotes to show what text from your screenplay I was referring to.
Correct what you have now to ...
SUPER: "CHICAGO."
Sorry, that was my bad. I didn't explain it well enough. Good luck with the writing.
Will take a look soon, just need a break from computer at the moment done a lot on here today. If I don't come back in a week ask me again, but I am usually pretty good. I want to give it some proper thought before I comment you see.
D
Thanks for the reminder, its been a busy holidays, and Ive been working the late shift. Its been ok though as have had time to get the laptop out in work lol. Hope I don't get fired for it.
Down to your script.
There are some missed formatting errors which I think are down to copying it from another source.
Regarding the guards and names. There is no need to use full names in the character/dialogue lines. Just their first name is fine.
I am wondering if the guards play a further part in the script. It reads akwardly having guard 1 and 2. If they are perhaps in the script more, it would be easier to name them. Sometimes we might never even hear their name in the script. But it helps the actors a little more.
I really like the saying you have to earn death and thats without paying for it. cool....
You also need to put - DAY in your slug lines. This helps the camera men in knowing which time of the day the shots are taken. it will be either DAY/NIGHT. light or dark for them.
Regarding Eric's clothing, I think once you have said he is in all black you don't need to keep repeating this.
I think also in naming the security guards we will then be able to picture them a little easier when they come in the later scenes, ie at the moment they just seem like blank faces. Then when the other guards come in they can be blank faces.
I am getting confused with all the guards coming in, and you saying guard one and two all the time. I am trying to think of a way around this, but I can't.
I think in the elevator when the key card blinks red, eric could perhaps sigh, then look up and then get out the to of the elevator. I feel some sort of action from him here would give us a clue to more of his personality.
Page 7 where you have a flash back, you need to put up back to present, to let us know we are returning to the previous time line. I got confused there for a second.
I really enjoy erics vo they are funny. He has a great sense of humour.
Page 10, should be breakfast not two words. typo. (there are a few but a good re write after the first draft should catch them)
I wasnt sure why he took Pauls blood, but nice idea in there, pretty unique way of his boss knowing he done the job properly.
I am up to 16, and am sort of wondering where this story is going. I know Eric is a killer and someone hires him, but I have no idea as to what the main plot of the story is. There is a an awful lot of action, I know this is an action movie, but even so by now there should be a reason to what is going on other than the fact he does it because he is paid for it. The main plot is too subtle and needs more focus on it.
At the moment I am just presuming that maybe the people who pay Eric are responsible for his wifes death (as in most action movies) but I think you can do something other than the usual.
Being brutally honest I have lost interest at this point, and am wondering what really will happen next.
You have a good grasp on breaking scene headings, and the montage shot is perfect.
The next kill reveals a little more of the main plot. Ok so there is maybe an informer who is then going after Erics family. I think it is a little subtle here, and would defiantly need introducing within the ten pages if this is the case, even if you have to just introduce the kids earlier and just have someone watching them from the school yard or something.
Regarding the way it is written, Not all action sequences need to be written out totally. Some of them in the first killing with all the security guards are a little wordy and confusing.
In all its a good start, but you need to really think about your inciting incident/ your main plot line.
The action is good and there are some twists in there that make the story unique ie the blood...
my main advice here hun, is get the story out of your head. Finish the first draft and then people can look at the whole thing. Sometimes it takes a full draft to be complete for you yourself to then go back and begin to work out what you want in it and what you dont.
All the above info, is just one single opinion. Take from it what you need to move on with the story. DONT dwell on it. This info can be used in a rewrite not right now.
With any writer the most important thing is to finish. Too many cooks can spoil the broth, and take you away from your original idea.
What ever you do hun, keep writing.
Dawn
Just started to read your script. Only read the first 3 pages at the moment but I did notice a few grammatical and spelling errors. It's easy to miss them when you're writing a lot.
The third page (or 3rd minute of the film) should tell the audience basically what the film is about. Am I right in that Eric is a modern day super hero in the style of spider man or batman? If so, what have you called him? I couldn't figure that out.
Obviously it's hard to make any kine of proper judgement after just 3 pages - it's early days. Firts drafts are always just the formulation of your idea so I don't think the nitpicking that I've read here should be taken too much to heart. Just get what you want to say down and then rework it.
Hope that helps
Steve