|
Running (1st Draft)
|
(Based on 6 ratings)
|
License:
Views: 226
Comments: 79
Comments: 79
Created 3 years, 1 month ago
Edited 1 year, 10 months ago
Comments
Twitter
Facebook
DO NOT RATE!
ALL COMMENTS WELCOMED AND APPRECIATED.
I took it down for a bit. Because I don't like to write and have it posted at the same time. It was only 10 pages then, anyway so it's different now. It is my first feature as some of you know. Still working on it but I think I have straightened out most of what is bothering me in this first half. I'll get the rest of it when the real writing starts in the rewrites.
Be honest.
Tell me what works and what is cheesy.
The story's the thing...the story is king.....so tell me if it's a good story so far.
Thanks in Advance,
Greg
I appreciate your comment.
Greg
This is a very compelling piece.
Keep writing!
I really appreciate your checking in it like that.
I will go to "The Bible" in the rewrites. I am sure you are probably right about the formatting issue.
They could build a whole new planet with what I don't know.
LOL.
Yeah I guess I gotta watch the circular thing so the reader doesn't get confused.
I will handle that also.
Glad you dug it.
Greg
Thanks partner.
I am so glad you dig it so far.
Your platitudes have made me blush. For my skin tone not an easy thing to do....LOL
Let me know what you think when you are done with this part.
I am interested.
Greg
I saw a comment on a discussion that sounded like you needed a read.
I have read this before, when it was last up. But I thought, I would comments seeing as you have been working hard on it.
You have tightened up the beginning nicely. I think it runs smoother, and there is a better pacing to it.
You introduce the characters and the action really well.
You've mixed up your scene headings a little - Day/night should be last and continuous isn't used much anymore, it is pretty obvious from the way you describe the next scene that is is in fact continuous.
Page 24 your convo with Colin is on the phone so should be voice over. Because I got a little confused there and thought he was actually in the scene. Even though she answered the phone. I thought collin appeared in the apartment.
I am also a little unsure of the length of the convo, although you have kept up with the action in the scene quite a bit. I think it depends on the how else you tackle the script.
With Eliza page 30 ish, you use some con't and then sometimes you don't. They aren't really used much in script formatting, unless your program inserts them automatically. I would tend not to use them.
I like the way this has developed. There are still some use of ING's in there which could be swapped for tighter sentence structure.
Good effort though hun, and I wish you luck with it.
Keep on writing.
Dawn
I appreciate your comments as always.
Just antsy, not a whiner or a complainer.
I know everyone will come around and read it sooner or later.
Nothing wrong with a little shamless self promotion is there?
ON the CONT'Ds I must have missed some when I read thru it. I think it flows better with them outta there and nice catch also with the Colin Convo....I will change the continuous, I was unsure about that anyway glad you clarified it. THXS.
Namaste,
Greg
D
You're just so liberal with the "V.O." Is that on purpose? Are you trying to break that one-character-voiceover rule? It can feel a little sloppy sometimes, like you're telling when you should be showing. Maybe you could take some time to flesh out the characters.
Hope you don't mind my changes.
Keep writing. Good luck.
Probably not industry standard, but it helps it flow much better especially when reading.
The V.O. for Edward, for Dexter in the beginning only, and for Kate just before the accident are actually for the purposes of the script important and without letting on with why they are actually happening suffice it to say they are definitely on purpose.
I am a rule breaker. But I was unaware that there was a one character voiceover rule. I have only been writing for about six months so this should come as no shocker.
I don't mind the changes.
Thanks for your input and comments.
I am glad that you like it so far.
It's a first runthru. I hope to make it better.
Zhura help and I am sure therefore probably,"The Screenwriter's Bible" too says to handle the phone conversation as V.O. But then again I have only been at this for a short period of time so what do I know. Please help clarify.
Flesh out the characters?
Do they seem stock?
Or without dimension and depth?
I don't understand.
Any additional assistance you can provide would be helpful.
Namaste,
Greg
You had me spooked.
Sometimes I stand too close to the mirror.
Thanks for your comments. I appreciate them.
Namaste,
Greg
ZEKE: Exactly what I was shooting for. A romantically touching scene. Without being soppy.
Thanks so much. Both of you guys.
Namaste, my friends
Greg
I got you both on reads if you need them, holler.
I must admit I started reading "Gun", the other night. Guilty Pleasure. Reading people's stuff and not leaving any comments. It bothered me. In a very, very good way. I like that.
I'll finish it and tell you what I think. Not a PGL review, but close.
D.A.: I got you too. I started Friday. I thin it was I left a comment but only got through the first scene after your new rewrites. I am back on it also.
LOL
Greg
I appreciate you reading my script.
Also thanks for bolstering my confidence.
Namaste,
Greg
As for critique, a couple lines hit me.
"Before I am not strong enough to tell you to go."
A little too wordy. It interrupts the flow of the dialogue. You may want to rewrite this line, or possibly take it out- it doesn't seem all that necessary to the conversation.
"VALERIE
How long have you been here?
Valerie takes his hand.
Valerie
That's what I thought."
Maybe there's something that happened earlier here, but this part sort of confused me. Maybe if you added a pause to the action line?
Anyways, it's a strong scene. If I have time, I'd love to come back and read the rest.
Thanks so much for your comment.
I think that you are spot-on. I will enhance that I think as per your suggestion.
I hope too that you get a chance to read it all.
It is my first feature length.
Procrastination and apathy otherwise known as editing and revising have hampered my forward progress.
LOL
I will get this done on time however.
Namaste,
Greg
I APPRECIATE THAT MORE THAN YOU KNOW.
THANKS FOR THAT GENTLE SHOVE IN THE BACK.
LOL
GREG
lol...
D.A.
D
(though self imposed)
Especially the Dexter-Courtney scene.
Does it run on? Is it hokey?
I think they work well and are more than adequate for a first draft. When revising later, I'd look to trim the dialog back and try to let them talk more with their actions.
Also, depending on how the story ends up being structured, you may need a bigger break between the two room visits. Otherwise, we're watching a couple of 10 minute conversations in very similar rooms...
Well, that or maybe a better idea on the edit is to try and intertwine the conversations...you know like, Ed and Val are having the same conversation as Dex and Court, just in different contexts...so, like Dexter says something and a cut later, Val answers and we pick up that Ed said something similar...if that makes any friggin sense, lol.
edit: you know, on a second read through, I'm really picking up on the similarities in the conversations...Val wants to die alone and spare Ed, Cout is kinda of doing the same...Val leaves Ed the garden, Court leaves Dex the baby, it's working on another level for me now. I would really consider playing with thought of intertwining these somehow.
People like Courtney, in my experience, don't take a lot of responsibility for themselves. They don't say they don't want to stop. They say they can't stop. They don't say they shouldn't raise kids. They say they can't.
Also, if Courtney thinks so little of herself, why is she afraid of the State taking the baby? It comes up so quickly, I feel it's not earned.
Just some things off the top of my head.
I am really glad that you said it's more than adequate for a first draft.
I needed to hear that.
Trying to hit and run...LOL...that's funny on a lot of levels.....here to get this done. I just don't want it to be hokey or contrived the first time around that way there is not a whole helluva lot of clean up to do.
I totally get you on the action and description lines they are more placeholders than the way I think they'll actually go down.
I appreciate you and your time. As always.
Namaste,
Greg
O.K. kewl. That's the shit I need too.
I got you on the hushed tones and the circumlocution of addictspeak.
I was trying to make it transparent for the "earthlings" who don't do dope or haven't done dope.
But if that detracts from the realism then I have to rethink how to get that across.
I like your subtle changes to Courtney's lines.
Thanks for that insight.
I appreciate that.
Namaste,
Greg
The action is REALLY tight, I love it to pieces. :)
I'm not too fond of the voiceover in the beginning, though. It'd be great if you could find a more mysterious way to transition.
Great dialogue, especially on Courtney's part during her debut scene. I can hear, based on your description and dialogue, exactly how she's saying everything. The line "He,y baby... I was gonna get her" is wonderfully executed. Beautiful job.
Oogh... the drug montage makes me sick, you describe it perfectly.
The conversation between Michael and Dex is touching. Really touching. It's interesting how Michael is anything but a saint, but he still knows what's best for Dex's daughter. Great job with weaving emotions.
However, I'm not sure I understand the interaction between Tracy and Dexter. Why does she have a gun? Maybe I'm naive but I'm not quite sure.
I made it to page 11. Honestly, I don't think there's much I can do for you, if anything. The action is tight, the dialogue is superb, the emotions and pace is wonderful so far. I'm impressed, Greg :)
(Another reason I probably can't do much is because I know next to nothing about the drug world, other than the crack kids in my school.)
DJ in Boston
I am so glad you like it so far!!
Greg
Firstly there is no FADE IN: to open your screenplay. As the top rated here I would have at least have expected this.
Secondly, you write SMASH CUT: To signify that we are cutting from a scene, this is unnecessary in modern day screenplays.
Thirdly, your sluglines are way off and need improvement. The slugline to your intro holds far to much information, what you display there should actually be displayed with a SUPER: with a little more finesse.
The second scene opens:
INT. APARTMENT --- DAY. Mmmmm, this is way off. It should read something like.
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Notice that I have only used one hyphen. This is mandatory, and such a basic principle?
OK, so that's as far as I got.
Needs addressing,
Good luck,
Paul
Browser actually did make some good points. You'd serve yourself well to modify your sluglines so they have only one hyphen. You really don't ever need a SMASH CUT or anything of that nature... unless you're planning to direct. But if not, then a director definitely wouldn't want to feel directed in that sense. Also, you use a lot of dot,dot,dots (...) and it's bordering on over-usage. Sometimes you need a double hyphen (--) for when someone cuts another person off in dialogue. And sometimes you use them to indicate broken speech or a change of thought, which should just be indicated by one hyphen (Ex: "I- I- I'm not sure. Maybe- Fuck, I don't know, man".... something like that). If you use dot,dot,dot in dialogue you're generally suggesting a short pause, but with a single hyphen (-) you're simply indicating broken speech. Now, other than all of this formatting confusion, I really do love where this is going and I'll be reading the finished product.
Oh, and the idea that Browser gave for revising the Grease clip in the opening is actually pretty good. You might want to simply use a SUPER to give us some of that info. OR think about changing it to read ON TV SCREEN... Then in your description say something like "Black and white snow flickers and disappears to reveal a familiar scene. The Baseball Scene from Grease (1978). Syd Cesar and John Travolta... blah, blah, blah (whatever they're doing, I forget). I think that kind of info should probably stay in your descriptions rather than in your heading.
However, the baseball field scene heading is not viewed by the audience. I want to open the movie with that 10 second clip. It is more a marker for a reader, than it is information for a potential auidence. I could think of no other way to get that across than to mention what scene i was considering in a scene heading and then cut the dialogue from that scene into the script. I didn't quite understand what others were saying when they originally suggested that I SUPER that heading information. Not what I wanted to get across. I guess I should be clearer.
Advice well stated on the introduction of new characters. Changes being made.
I, of course, am thinking about directing.
I don't like the way dashes look in dialogue on a script. It bothers me. Just me. Personally. It breaks my concentration when I read it back to myself. However, if it makes it harder for others to read then I will reconsider.
Browser read 1 fucking scene and rated the whole script and has no scripts of his own posted. He's a cocksucker.
Thank you however for your input.
Your comments as always are welcomed and your insight spot on.
Namaste,
G
I've touched on your first 24 pages - up to the point of you introducing Susan, and I have to say that there isn't much for me to criticize yet. That's good! This is a gritty story with Dexter as the M.C., and I'm reminded of CRASH in its tone at this point.
I remember reading the beginning of this a while back. I can't make comparisons to the older draft. Suffice to say that it still holds up very well.
I'll get back to it soon.
DJ
I too understand that the opening clip from grease is your opener and not supposed to be super imposed as a title for the audience.
I read the opening foot chase a while back and now that you are almost done I'll try and give it another read as see how far I can get on it.
A.T. makes good points. Hope all is well.
Jeff
Zeke
Also page 32 - The hospital waiting room. I think you can pare down the details and still maintain the ambience of the room.
I'm at page 41. I like the way that you've layered and connected these multiple stories so far... Like Crash. Like Babel. It's hard to write an ensemble piece like this, and so far I think you've done a great job.
Will pick up on it later!
DJ
Working on it right now as we speak.
I am letting the left brain, the editor in me, get some airtime today.
LOL.
Hoping something comes up that way.
I am going to take your suggestion posted elsewhere on underlying supermotivation and note cards to that effect and see where that leads me.
Thanks again for your help advice and support.
Namaste.
Greg
Its taking a bit but I am getting there.
Good. I got Marilyn right away. Maybe you should let her say something. At the start Jenn interjects repeatedly. Maybe let Marilyn get one sentence off at one point. But yeah, then the dialog just takes off and carries it, simple as that.
PA SYSTEM
Wouldn't you have it vice versa--still Nurse Miller with the PA in parentheses?
ELIZA AND MARILYN
Interesting. I'm curious to see what their dynamic will be like. Especially in comparison to Jenn and Marilyn.
We can talk more when I'm off set tomorrow. Really miss that free time...
Au revoir,
Sayer
Jenn does like slam her for no real reason. I guess she should get to talk to develop her character a bit.
I think also you are right on the PA system. I am changing.
That you are interested in seeing where Eliza and Marilyn go makes me smile.
Cause that's where I am cutting to Dexter's climax. I think. Maybe. I should just wrap it here. I don't think I can sustain the suspense with them anymore. Maybe I just go to Edward's finish. I have to think about it. And then just write it. I can see the finish line kinda, that's good I guess.
I know Jenn has reasons. Its not really an issue. I was just speculating if she should get maybe one of those short sentences off. No biggie.
See ya... off to a 7:30 call time
More than a few people have commented on how well your action lines were, so I won’t dwell on those. Just pat yourself on the back, ‘cause they’re good. I’m sure as you revise, it will get even better, but at this point, the action lines are by far the strongest part of your script.
My main beef with ‘Running’ is the dialogue. Maybe it’s me. I read through other people’s comments and it seems that most actually like your dialogue… but as of page 25, I keep getting the sense that I’m reading the same character over and over again, when you’ve introduced well over half a dozen.
Specifically, I’m referring to the associates that Dexter deals with – Rome, Big Man, Courtney, and his brother Michael. It’s fine for your characters to be running their mouths off with the vulgarities, since they deal with drugs/hookers/guns and all, but I want to see more creative uses of the f-bomb and the word ‘shit’. At many parts of the script, it seems as if you use some of these curse words as ‘fillers’ to make your characters sound vulgar. But ironically (at least for me), all that cussing has diminished its ability to portray the violent lifestyles of these characters, and makes your characters sound very stock.
Here are some examples:
MICHAEL. “…you need to make that shit right.†(pg. 3)
COURTNEY. “…that shit he had last night was garbage.†(pg. 4)
DEXTER. “I told you that shit was no joke.†(pg. 5)
MICHAEL. “What’s up? You look like shit.†(pg. 8)
DEXTER. “I told you you need to keep family and this shit separate.†(pg. 8)
MICHAEL. “After today, keep me outta your shit.†(pg. 11)
Examples of your use of “trippin’â€:
COURTNEY. “…why the fuck are you trippin’ like that?†(pg. 4)
MICHAEL. “You’re fuckin’ trippin’…†(pg. 9)
Examples of your use of “I got this.†:
DEXTER. “I got this.†(pg. 10, 20…)
BIG MAN. “Dex! I got this…†(pg. 25)
I guess my point is that there are certain phrases and lingoes that you use over and over on different characters, which make them sound very similar. In general, I try to refrain from using curse words unless I specifically intend to portray a vulgar character, but even then, I want to avoid doing that wholesale.
On a side note, I wanted to correct a voiceover for Edward:
EDWARD. “My experience in the hospital, when my wife was dying, helped me to understand why people hate hospitals so much.â€
Should change to:
EDWARD. “I understand now why people hate hospitals.â€
Reason I say that is because we already know he’s in a hospital, and he’s experiencing his wife dying. No need to say it again, as it would be redundant.
Finally, on a broader level, I’m a little irked by the pacing. Unless I’m wrong, it seems that you’re going for a sort of ensemble piece? Since Dexter runs into many of the other doped up characters such as Edward, Kate etc. Not that it’s slow… but by virtue of your story being titled ‘Running’, some of the scenes tend to drag on; especially Dexter’s, in the beginning. The reason I say this is because both Edward and Kate get voice-overs, which indicate to me that they should be characters with significant roles. However, the amount of time it took for you to introduce Dexter far outlasted the other two characters. Just seems a little out of balance to me for now – however, mind you that I’ve only read up to around page 25, so my perspective may change on that.
And one formatting issue… are you sure phone conversations with one person speaking from within the phone should be (V.O.), and not (O.S.). ^--I’m not sure about this, as I’m not a formatting expert, but (V.O.) just seemed weird to me, although (O.S.) technically seems wrong as well. Blah. I’m confused.
Anyways, that’s all I got for now. Hope I helped!
Regards,
Mike
Peace and Blessings...
DA
I dont know because its on here and I have to move it.
The PDF says 87 but I don't trust that either because it prints really weird. Even weirder than when it was on Zhura.
So 91 I think but I have some rewrites to do and I have some story elements to change. I am moving all of the characters closer to the front of the script after page 6. I want to tighten Dexter's interaction with all of the characters.
I have to write a scene where courtney OD's and a bunch of other stuff. But the story is pretty much the way I want it to go. I need to make Dexter's stakes a little higher I think. He doesn't go from being reactive to proactive strongly enough for me.
Mr Weng above you made some pretty good points also. I gave him a ration of crap about them but it was midterms and i was stressed. He doesn't write me anymore....LOL. He's probably just busy. I hope. I bark louder than I bite.
Right now, I have to transport the entire thing over to Final Draft.
If you are reading the script know that I know that: My ending TOTALLY sucks. LOL. I will rewrite it.
But I didn't get your first note. LOL. Too busy typing probably... yeah, right. LOL
So its done. And by the end of April. Do I win a prize. Yeah! Prizes! Yeah!
Namaste,
G
I sometimes forget my manners.
Glad you finally got this finished!
Four addicts lives intertwine on the last night of their active addiction.
I am working through a rewrite on some of the scenes as my school semester now moves to Interterm.
I am appreciative of the time you took to read it.
Thanks again.
Greg
How you been Greg?
Broke my cherry... thanks to you Zhura people always on me to finish something.... LOL...
School is a blast. Still writing, Life is good.
How goes it with you?
JJ.