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Love Thy Brother
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(Based on 1 rating)
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License:
Views: 58
Comments: 2
Comments: 2
Created 3 years, 1 month ago
Edited 7 months, 3 weeks ago
Category: Short Film
Genres: Drama
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What I think really impresses me about this script is how you very effectively establish the power in Darren and Darryll's relationship without having to resort to anything cheesy. The "go back out and knock" scene set the stage for how Darryll was going to interact with his brother, and established Darren's passive nature. Even when Darryll is "changed" at the end, he still pretty much orders his brother to go on a date with Tevin, just like he gave the orders in the beginning.
Another thing you've done quite well is make it very easy to feel sorry for Darren. He's not mopey or self-effacing. He comes across as a genuinely nice guy, and the fact that he takes such abuse (but is affected and reacts to it) makes him more endearing. I do think he might be almost TOO passive, especially when he is endlessly apologizing to his brother after telling him to go away. It just seems a bit too much "I'm sorry" if he's actually mad. I'd imagine him to express his anger at Darryll by saying very little instead, like he did with Jack.
There's only three bits of advice I'd give:
First, be careful using -ly words in your action lines. At the start of the script you use a few in a row and it makes it sound too wordy. Like when you said he "tiredly" turns off the alarm. I think we can assume that he's tired, honestly, and words like that tend to trip up a reader. If there's one place you don't want to trip up someone reading your script, it's in the very first scene!
Secondly, there's a few places where I'm not sure about time passing. When Darryll tells Tevin to stop seeing his brother, we jump immediately to some time in the future where Tevin has already talked to Darren and called it off, and he's gone home and started crying. While I'm not saying you need to add the trip home or anything, I do think one quick transitional scene might be nice, just to make that transition less jarring.
Thirdly, and lastly, is the scene were "High School Student" comes to try and get Darryll to help his brother. The Student feels incredibly forced to me, and the dialog is very "on the nose." Would another student, especially an anonymous one, give a whole monologue like that while Darren was still actively getting pounded? It seems really odd, and no one else in the script really has big blocks of dramatic dialog like that.
Personally, I'd either cut out most of what Student says, since most of what he says is a bit superfluous for the scene, or I'd change it to Tevin. Tevin is at least a character we know, and it'd make sense for him to assume Darryll would want to protect his brother. Plus, it would add great tension to an already high-stakes scene. It would make you wonder if he refused because he's still mad at Darren, or if it was only because Tevin asked him.
Sadly, this is still very sensitive subject matter today, but you handled it very nicely and effectively without being preachy or cheesy. You have clear and developed characters, and great economy of scene. Great work here, keep it up and keep writing!
This was a pretty decent one. I'd usually advise against creating characters with similar-sounding names (Darren/Darryl), but the story's simple enough to where it's not an issue.
Simple story of a power play between siblings, especially Darren's low self-esteem. The homosexual thing, while important, is a viable subplot forcing the two brothers to confront one another and the very core of what their relationship is. Well handled.
I'll admit some scenes play out a little corny, but with it being a short story as a simple morality tale, I don't mind.