|
Summers We Remember
|
(Based on 5 ratings)
|
License:
Views: 107
Comments: 39
Comments: 39
Created 2 years, 8 months ago
Edited 2 years, 6 months ago
Comments
Twitter
Facebook
This statement is wrong, "precipitate" is a verb, "runs" is a verb, you can't use two verbs behind each other, you normally use an adverb to modify a verb, but I've never seen a sentence where you have two verbs following each other. This is taken from my American Heritage talking dictionary. USAGE NOTE: The adjective 'precipitate' and the adverb 'precipitately' were once applied to physical steepness but are now used primarily of rash, headlong actions: They made a precipitate decision. He withdrew precipitately from the race. Precipitous currently means “steep†in both literal and figurative senses: the precipitous rapids of the upper river; a precipitous drop in commodity prices. But precipitous and precipitously are also frequently used to mean “abrupt, hasty,†which takes them into territory that would ordinarily belong to precipitate and precipitately: their precipitous decision to leave. This usage is a natural extension of the use of precipitous to describe a rise or fall in a quantity over time: a precipitous increase in reports of measles is also an abrupt or sudden event. Though this extended use of precipitous is well attested in the work of reputable writers, it is still widely regarded as an error. Maybe you could say: "Streams of water slither down the frosty cup." Just trying to help.
Also, what I really love about it is this quote "Eventually, everyone has to shut the door and leave the party behind. Realize all along we've been just visiting."
It sounds really good, though... I will definitely come back later to read more! I can see the whole movie in my head... it sounds a bit coming-of-age at the moment but we'll see. Good work and good luck!
I am very impressed and it sounds like a very good story, you seem to be a stickler with grammer and things and you are definitely a descriptive writer.
But I agree with Earl as he said before, sometimes it can be too much, just slice out somethings that aren't needed.
Though you can still be descriptive just don't over do it, I hope to see soon a big twist or shocker, I feel good saying though that I have no idea where this is heading. haha
It isn't too predictable but I hope you have something planned to shock the audience and show this isn't like another movie teenagers watch in health class.
Very good flow, keep it up, I will definitely be back to read more as you progress.
Barret
I have a big twist planned for the ending that will hopefully keep this out of health classes, lol.
You really do know how to describe things, although in script writing it doesn't go as well as with novels. Your wonderful way with words def shines through though.
I read only 5 pages, and am wondering where your plot takes me, however I cannot comment just yet too much because my eyes are too sleepy. Been a long day and long shift at work.
I will be awake early no doubt and will read all 41.
Speak soon.
Dawn
Real. Good job.
Keep writing! You got me interested in this twist! =)
Barret
All in all, though, I really liked this script though. Great story, and I can't wait for the twist! :D
The only sort of real niggle I have is your over use of ... and then you switch to --
I think you could get rid of most of them, and if you are going to use one then stick to either, or. But not both.
I think Teagan has a lot going on, and he healed over night. Liked that.
Interesting story line, think you have a lot to do with it. I do still think your descriptions are a little too much, but they can be tightened in the next draft.
Beautiful writing though.
Have you any stories I could read. I would like to learn more if I can.
Dawn
For what you have here, its really engaging and well written, although overly so at times.
I look forward to reading more.
D
I do tend to overuse ellipses and dashes way too much. The reason I use both, however, is because ellipses and dashes actually serve different purposes. According to several screenwriting sources, ellipses indicate a pause, while dashes are an interruption in the flow of dialogue.
I'll definitely tighten up those descriptions on my next draft. Thanks.
Do you mean my stories? Haha, I'm probably not the best person to learn from, but if you still want to have a look drop me a message.
Tess.
Page 3: "bear" should be "beer"
Page 16: spaces after "...'s" (also a ton of ...'s, might want to take some of them out, I know its a phone call, might be able to get away with just periods.)
Page 17: Shouldn't use "He" "She" "We" "They" to start action lines. Its ok to use names.
Page 17: "Shinning" should be "shining"
Page 19: --'s instead of ...'s. -- should be for speeding up speech or interrupting speech.
Page 19: "Comeone" should it be, "Come on"?
Page 19: "Something wrong." should it be, "Something wrong?"
Page 19: "I wash up and get back on the floor" maybe, "I'll wash up"?
Page 19: "Her" should be "Claire" when starting an action line, when possible.
Page 23: "Who'se" should be "Whose". "Whose" doesn't require an apostrophe, "Who's" is the contraction of "Who is", "Whose" is the possessive form of "Who". Kind of like Its (posessive) and It's (contraction of it is)
Page 23: Footsteps should be all uppercase if its a sound effect. Maybe add a descriptive to it, "Teagen hears footsteps approaching."
Page 28: "Comeon!" should be "Come on!"
Page 28: "The vehicle's buck takes Teagan by surprise -- he leaps back." instead try, "The vehicle's buck takes Teagan by surprise and he leaps back."
Page 28: Same with the next line, "veers left and shoots off-- but not before.."
Page 28: "from the electric glow of the Super 8 logo through the window" try maybe "from the electric glow of the Super 8 sign"
Page 28: "foreboading" should be "foreboding"
Page 37: "emerald Marc Jacobs pumps" should be "some fancy emerald pumps" or something. You can't assume anybody is going to know who Marc Jacobs is and unless the director zooms in on them no one in the audience will know this.
Page 39: "So...patriarchal" don't forget spaces after "..."'s
Page 41: "and lights it-- yellow flame" you can remove the -- and still achieve the same effect with a comma.
Page 41: "Claire shrugs--" use a period. "Claire shrugs. All the invitation"
Page 44: Space after "..."
Page 44: "Into an American jalopy" maybe try "Claire climbs into an American jalopy and drives away."
Page 44: Try to limit using "he" and "she", especially when starting an action line.
Page 46: "I gotta take a leek" leeks are vegetables, should be, "I gotta take a leak"
Page 47: Lots and lots of ...'s on the phone call
Page 49: "Jade hollers:" Add this as a parenthetical under the character's name.
Page 51: Use of -- as a pause. Try a period or comma on this.
Page 51: I'd take out the action of "He lowers his voice to a conspiratorial level:" and just make it (lowers his voice) under BRYAN. Also, might want to get rid of the ...'s after "Probably... you know..." maybe "Probably, you know--" Bryan leans forward and lowers his voice. BRYAN (CONT'D) gay."
Page 52: "JENNIFER Oh now..." maybe make it "Oh, now." or "Oh now--" since Bryan cuts her off to explain.
Page 52: "he's the seminar student" sould be "He's the seminary student"
Page 53: "comeon" should be "come on"
Page 53: more ...'s
Page 54: more ...'s
Everything else looks great. You're a wonderful storyteller. I'm going to make another post later tonight about some inconsistencies and things that I think could possibly be moved around to help the flow of the story.
Sorry for the long comment! Just trying to help!
What I was going to say regarding the story itself, I think that Teagen shouldn't just go quickly into siding with Brady. I understand the aspect of wanting to save the baby, however I think Teagen should be apprehensive about it initially. Or maybe even blow Brady off. Brady should have to struggle more with Teagen I think to get him to want to fight to save the baby. Its understandable for Jade just to give into wanting an abortion or fighting to keep it, but Teagen ran so fast to get out of the situation, he seems like he needs to be a little bit more, "I don't give a shit" about it. Its like the only reason he's going home is because he's out of options and he's stuck up about what he wants to do for a living (with no education).
That opens the story for maybe even Jade and Teagen to fall in love and THATS what changes his mind. Loving her and the child, instead of just the philosophy of saving a fetus. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it would display why it is important to the characters to save a life. Why a life is imporant, so it can be loved (if that makes any sense). It takes the preachiness out of the story while leaving Brady's devout philosophy in tact, and still getting the message out.
Also, there were a few inconsitencies, I'll have to go back over my notes but the main one is when Brady offers Teagen a ride down South.
Brady says "I can take care of myself" and then the next thing you know in the script, he's going with Brady. I think maybe Teagen should just give up and agree at that point.
The reason is, in the next scene when his mother talks to him (Teagen) he says the same thing, about being able to fend for himself. Its redundant also.
I think the first time he says it to Brady should be removed and replaced with Teagen's surrender to being stubborn. Make him give up, "OK its time to go home" he finally decides.
He says, "No thanks" but then just ends up in the car with Brady without explanation in the script.
I'll review my notes and give a more precise explaination of what I'm talking about in terms of the inconsistency. I don't have them in front of me and didn't want to wait another day to comment on the story.
Keep up the awesome work! You're a talented writer :)
I agree that Teagan does jump gun a little too quickly. His attempted suicide is meant to be a turning point, but as you said, he needs a bit more time to come around completely.
Down the road, they do talk about getting back together, but finding that after all they've been through, there is simply no way to turn back and forget all the pain they've caused each other (being unable to return to a former way of life is one of the major themes, after all). Originally, I meant the desire for reunion to be solely on Jade's part (she is the more nostalgic of the pair, who desires her old life put back together), but I think your idea of Teagan falling in love with Jade initially, could really work out and make the whole thing more organic. And it would make his change in attitude towards the abortion more sensible, as you said.
You've been very helpful thus far...I have a lot to go back and reconsider, lol.
I read a lot of scripts and I don't often find writers that intrigue me enough to give edits and criticism too. I'm glad you find my info useful :)
A cul-de-sac is a dead end road, do you think it's proper to say someone cruises through a dead end street?
Amazing work for the age!
I am speechless.
That's not an easy thing to do.
Namaste.
Padma
Padma: You will have to wait and see what happens ~_^
All righty now Character wise you've got some really good characters but my stand out is Teagan. Although all of your characters are great he stands out as he's most original and textured of the characters. Jade is also really good as a conflicted youth who can't decide what she wants and has issues of her own. Brady, I feel, although rather integral to the plot, is kinda bland. He needs a little more fleshing out because as of right now he's more or less a plot device.
The dialogue you have is really really good. I love almost every single bit of it and for the most part every character speaks in a way that defines them which is fantastic.
Now to to gripes (sorry :( ) Soooo first plot wise I have the same problem that David had. Teagan seems to just return home to escape his situation. Then he kinda just happens upon Jade and has a sudden change of heart. That part still needs to be fleshed out a bit. I know the part with Claire is in there to aide that along BUT I really think just like in David's suggestion that you have him start to fall for her and that sort of thing. Give them a relationship before he hightails it to Alberta or wherever it is (sorry not canadian hahaha). That way when he does return we can believe that Jade really can't trust him at all. He left her so why does he care now? It really adds a dynamic to the relationship. Another thing plot wise that kinda irks me is that we learn that Teagan is manic depressive and Jade is bulimic so late in the story. First off I hated the fact that Teagan just came out and said it. He should show the signs of it the entire script and then when it comes out we can be like see I thought so. Make sense? I also feel the same with Jade's bulimia, you should try to spread it out so that we see the effects throughout not just catch a glimpse at the end. It really helps your character building during act 2 to string the hints out instead of forcefeeding us the info.
All right another problem I have is around page 80 through like page 83 that entire sequence with Jade and Teagan really irks me for some reason. The dialogue is a little forced as is the situation. To be honest I hated that scene (sorry for being harsh :( ). The whole thing felt kind of forced and not organic like the entire rest up until that moment read out. You should try to do something about that. Another rough part for me is, and it's not nearly as bad, is the scene where we find out who Brady is. That scene, too, seems forced but not to the degree that the aformentioned one was. This one is more or less because of the dialogue. The scene is okay up until the I want a paternity test line. That just seems so.... I dunno. I just didn't like it.
Also although this is only 111 pages I really think that this moves EXTREMELY briskly. I think that it's slightly too short and that you can add a little more and drag some stuff out and you'll have a damn fine piece.
Also this is side note that should not be considered. I have a rather morbid and cynical outlook on life and the such and my screenplays usually have people dying and usually rather violently. I do realize this is not a problem with everyone but I think that one of two things should happen in the end and again this is just me here so don't take this at all as advice because it's just thoughts of a guy fascinated with death and all things morbid. Anyways to all who haven't read this
!!!!!!!!!BIG SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!
I think that the movie should end with either Brady either being a hallucination (which isn't likely considering that Jade sees him as well as Teagan) or that Teagan dies in the hotel room after attempting to kill himself and all of this is a sort of flash forward and then the scene where Brady explains everything takes place in a sort of purgatory place and then Brady gets a second chance at life. Again that's just some thoughts.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SPOILER ENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alright so there you have it my gripes. Now I know it looks like it's a lot BUT those are gripes that I feel will help you make this piece even more polished. Because as of right now it stands as a really mature really professional piece. I really really like it I just feel it still lacks a bit of what will make it great. Give me a ring once you're completely finished editing this one and I'll give you another read over.
Hope I was helpful :)
I am actually a strong advocate of Pro-life. I wanted to make this a pro-life script, by showing that all life has value and potential, but... somehow these things got lost in translation.
To be honest, I started to despise this script near the middle of the second act. The whole project completely unraveled on me because of the reasons you and David have listed.
(spoilers!)
Concerning the ending: I had considered making Brady a hallucination. After all, Maybelle's situation was the same as his, and she was a hallucination only Teagan could see. But then at the same time I felt it was necessary to have Brady and Jade interacting. As for the second suggestion... I'm just not sure how I feel about doing ANOTHER parent/child centered timeless purgatory piece, lol! Hmm maybe I could pull a Fight Club and make Brady and Teagan the same person :O Haha.
(end of spoiler!)
Anyhoo, I'll be working on this again once I've finished overhauling Potter's Field. It's one of those things that needs to sit for a while before you can come back to it, I think... but I'll definitely keep everything you and David have said in mind!
Tess.