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surrogate fathers network
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Views: 130
Comments: 13
Comments: 13
Created 2 years, 8 months ago
Edited 3 months, 3 days ago
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I read through this and ignored all formatting issues there are a lot. It sort of reads more like a radio play than actually being a script for TV.
I did wonder where the story was going to go, and if the talent comp was just a way for Lindsey and Johan to get together.
There is a lot of swearing in it, which I personally don't like so much.
Will keep popping back, all I really can suggest is you try and study as much as possible the structure for writing scripts. Maybe that might make this easier on the eyes to read.
Good luck, speak soon.
D
it's like strange wilderness
and i'm trying to put simplicty in writing
formatting was wayyyy too off. hard to read the script. i liked the talent comp. very very funny.
other than that the formatting needs to be changed so i can read more.
good start though
When you introduce a scene (ex: HOSPITAL), briefly describe what it looks like and what's happening. Right now, I'm left staring at a blank hospital hallway as I read the voiceover.
...Also, this may just be my personal experience, but I have never heard a sixth-grader swear like that before.
Each letter at the start of a sentence should be capitalized. The first letter of proper nouns like names and copyrighted material should be capitalized. Everything else needs to be lowercase, or it's extremely awkward to read.
"lindsay
Really, Johan? Tell The Truth.
johan
I'm Not Lying, Lindsay
lindsay
Then Prove It...By Kissing Me, Big Boy!"
I'm sorry, but that scene is just completely random and confusing. Before you have any big romantic situation like that (...especially between sixth-graders?), you need to establish a strong relationship before.
Also keep in mind that when girls are upset, they don't engage sexually. Her bluntness also shatters any sort of smile we might have for the kiss scene. Audiences react much better, emotionally, to tender moments.
I'm sorry, but this script is insanely difficult to read. Your story is jagged and, I'm sorry but:
"neil
I Know. I Been Here For Years, Son. Now We're Walking To the Bar..."
Actions go in the action description, not dialogue.
Honestly, this would play better as a radio drama. So far, you haven't described any scenes or any actions, just dialogue.
It's really, really hard to read... before you ask for more readers, you should probably clean it up.
thats what i want to do.
No FADE IN:
Voice over is done like this...
JOHAN (V.O.)
First time you introduce a speaking part, it should be in ALL CAPS.
You missed a few capital "I"s.
Lindsay's first voice over uses "just" twice in rapid succession - it sounds awkward when read out loud.
Cheers
Ian FW