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CLOAK ROOM
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(Based on 2 ratings)
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Views: 148
Comments: 16
Comments: 16
Created 2 years, 8 months ago
Edited 4 months, 1 week ago
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I'm about 11 pages in to the second half here, but really need a refresher on the first half. I didn't see it posted anywhere.
I will say this - the 11 pages I've read have a good deal of suspense. There are some typos to correct, and maybe some style techniques that would tighten the narrative in general, but the suspense is there.
My main concern - and I'm reading this part out of context from the whole piece, so it might not apply - but my main concern is that Raven's actions are more like "reactions." She's been thrown into a situation where things happen to her instead of being in a tough situation because of her own decision to reach a goal and then making the wrong choices, if that makes sense. I know that this is a major criticism that writing books often spout about main characters, and I don't always agree with it. But I do see what they're talking about in the first ten pages here with Raven...
Let me know if you've got the first part posted somewhere. You might have sent it to me, but I haven't found it.
Keep writing! :]
D.
I like that Raven has a destiny.
I like that we're not sure whose side Tibet is on.
I think the story would benefit from a Save the Cat style beat sheet - a one to two page outline that frames the story from beginning to end. I don't know if you're familiar with it, but here are the basics.
1. Describe your opening image and how it hooks the viewer in immediately
2.State your theme (by page 5). Make it as simple as possible, and make sure that the story, as a whole adheres to it.
3.Set up your main character in the 1st 10 pages - identify her flaws and what needs to be fixed in her life.
4. Introduce your catalyst - the person or element that changes the direction of the main character's journey.
5. Have your main character debate the choice she has to make before she chooses the path that will send her on this new journey (ie - her original goal is to become a journalist. Her changed goal is to find out why she is instrumental in defining the course of history... ?)
6. Break into the second act, where she is fully invested in the new goal.
7. the B story (often a love interest)
8.the meat and potatoes of the action (you have a lot of that in the 22 pages I've read)
9. the midpoint of the script. This is often a moment when your character feels like they've succeeded only to be disappointed in the very next moment (or vice versa).
10. The bad guys close in (self explanatory)
11.All is Lost/Dark Night of the Soul - the moments when the main character is losing and thinks there is no hope in reaching her goal
12. Break into act 3 - where the main character finds her solution and sets out to solve the problem w/ renewed hope
13. Finale - the point where she actually does succeed (or learns from failure)
14.Final image - it sets the tone of what the main character learned from her arc, and it usually mirrors the opening image in some way.
Finally, re: the email you sent me separately. I don't think you have to worry too much about similarities. I can think of 4 or 5 other produced titles that touch on these same ideas - all different in their own right. :]
Keep writing!
Okay, by page 56, I'm thinking that a major point you may need to work on is making your main character proactive, as opposed to 'reacting.' Your main character should be driving most of your story forward. As it stands, your main character is a victim and at the mercy of everyone else driving the story forward.
Her role is not much different than the role of Anakin Skywalker in that everyone around her believes that she has a destiny. But if she's the main character, then she can't simply be the victim. Either she has to have a more active role in deciding her fate (like Anakin), or you have to choose a different main character - like Tibet, who is more active in trying to protect her - and even changes allegiances... if that makes sense.