Originator

Scripts from Same Idea

Nothing here right now.
HER IDEAL MATE
(Based on 2 ratings)
License:
Views: 56
Comments: 5
Created 3 years, 11 months ago
Edited 3 years, 8 months ago
Category: Feature Film
Page / 1

Comments
Dawn Chapman (Sent 3 years, 11 months ago)
Hi Earl, I read up to page 34.

I made a few suggestions and a couple of changes.

I like the story but i feel its very dialogue driven and there isnt much action going along with it. The character Fiona is lovely, reminds me of me with my diary when i was much younger. lol

i am liking where the story is going, and i like the characters, i will read some more soon. Is what i have suggested and changed helpful, or have i done too much.

Please let me know.

Dawn
ORIGINATOR
Earl Thompson (Sent 3 years, 11 months ago)
Thanks, Dawn, but being a story that has a lot to do with teenagers I basically think that It's going to be dialogue driven more than anything else. I don't understand what you did to page 5 after the heading.
D. A. Washington (Sent 3 years, 8 months ago)
Okay, I've read up to page twenty an I noticed a couple of things. Your descriptions, while it paints the picture intended, it's a bit wordy and there are more than a few instances where you are using passive verbage. Replace the passive with active.
An example:
Alicia and Fiona are sitting beside each other Fiona is saying something to Alicia, but she is leaning across and whispering.
Why not say:
Alicia and Fiona sit beside one another, as Fiona leans towards her and whispers something.
I just said the same thing you said, but with less words.
There are other examples of this throughout the 20 pages that I've read.

Your descriptions should be concise and pointed. It should never extend to five lines. The shorter, the better. I'm sure your Screenwriters Bible will agree, unless it's another rule that's been done away with.

I read your response about this being a dialogue driven piece. That's fine. But it's unbelievable that Alicia and Fiona would sit in the cafeteria for almost 3 pages, doing nothing but talking. Remember, a screenplay tells us, the audience, what we will visually see.

I also believe when Fiona reads her diary aloud, it should be done as a VOICE OVER. It just seems a little weird for her to actually read this out loud. You can achieve what you wanted in this scene and it would be a little smoother. Just a thought.

The story line is okay. It's obvious that this is a first draft, so I'm sure you will refine this script in many ways before it's all said and done.

Hopefully, this helps a little. By the way, after your scathing condemnation of the use of CONT'D, I didn't expect to see it in your script... Then again, maybe you've just got the book.
In any case, keep writing.

Peace...
ORIGINATOR
Earl Thompson (Sent 3 years, 8 months ago)
Thanks, I actually did not put this in public again, I wonder who did.
D. A. Washington (Sent 3 years, 2 months ago)
I would advise that you clear up the format issues in this script before bashing other writers for some of the same problems. It would make your advice more credible.