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The Secret King (novel)
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Views: 39
Comments: 23
Comments: 23
By Dawn Chapman
Created 2 years, 7 months ago
Edited 2 years, 6 months ago
Category: Other
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Unfortunatly it deleted all the comments, and the fact it was over 2000 revisions. Got rid of my date on it too. It was created about 2 weeks ago.
D
Some examples:
"We entered the kitchen, Sylkx, Hax and Ince are sat at the table."
First sentence past tense. Seconds sentence present tense.
"A smartly dressed human male 'Anton' sat at a large desk..." and a bit later "Anton points to his own view screen..."
Past to present again.
"He looked around 30, and was smartly dressed in black..." PAST
"Hanikk almost laughs as he speaks." PRESENT
"Hanikk crosses his arms, another grin spreading across his face. His eyes glint..." PRESENT
"I watch him un-fold his arms..." PRESENT
"Just as I was about to turn it off a shadow flickered behind me." PAST
"I jumped up quickly to find Taliri standing next to me" PAST
...and so on.
Emma pointed this out to me yesterday. Its because I am transfering it from script to novel, and I obviously am not catching them all.
I will once finished get through and do a complete edit for present and past tenses, these are first on my hit list.
I really do appreciate the comment though and thanks for stopping in.
Anything I can look at of yours. I am much better with scripts. honest...
Dawn
1. The opening lines don't yet grab me and make me want to read more. I think you need something stronger in there before you get to teh guy lounging around his appartment.
2. When you talk of a view screen "stuttering" to life it makes it sound like an ancient TV. But aren't we in the future? And why is this a signal they had to "intercept" when it's obviously a message he wants to get out?
3. I really don't understand this plot element about the virus. Why would this mad scientist type create a virus to kill off everybody - human and aonise - just to get the leader to show what he is capable of? With what you've told us so far, I don't see any logic behind it and Hannik character seems a bit too much of a cookie-cutter evil guy because of that - "I'm going to destroy the world vbecause I can!"
4. Then I found out that they're not hiding on Earth, but are living in large ghettos, so Hannik could find an aonise at any time if he wanted to know what they are capable of without having to mass-murder his own race too.
5. Sylkx is sitting at home, relaxing while his people are dying then his friend turns up and says he has a plan and there's a lot of cryptic discussion "Have you any idea what this means to our people?" Nope - because I'm never told. He's slaughtering the aonise but it's a bad idea to go after him? Why? hen a lady aonise turns up and they go for a night out and a lot more cryptic things happen that aren't explained. There's talk of being on the edge of war -but why? If I knew a human was deliberately killing other humans, why would I be pissed at the aonise and not the human?
OK, I agree that having some unanswered questions can heighten tension, but I'm not finding a strong enough hook to drag me in yet and I don't feel enough connection to the characters or have any sense of what is motivating them.
Sorry if this comes across too strong, but I think the first chapter and last chapter of the books should be the strongest - the first to draw you in and the last to make you glad you read to the end. I think your first chapter needs tightening up. The sense of tension of two races on the brink of war doesn't seem to be there yet. Why are Sylkx and Taliri the one's trying to solve things? Are they aonise cops? Toomany unanswered questions. By all means, keep the big ones unanswered, but give me some background on the characters to work with so that I can understand them.
Anyway, I hope you can use some of the comments. You may not agree with any or all of them, they are just my personal opinions after all so just take the ones you find useful.
And best of luck with the writing!
Of course anything pointed out is a good thing :)
I will work some of the answers into the first chapter, as you said some do need addressing, but I want others not to be.
Thanks for the read and anything you want looking at in return just ask.
Dawn
Its tough going sometimes but I love this world.
Thanks for the comment. I'll pop in the funny or die, and take a look.
Dawn
the good:
the plot is very intriguing. i love the hints at the backstory and the "alien" groups hiecarchy and backstory. it flows very well and i love some of the political parallels i believe are at play
needs work:
grammar, grammar, grammar! you change verb tenses every so often. choose one and stick to it.
try to differentiate slkyx and talari's voices. what i said early. make them speak radically different.
(in my opinion) try not to geek out so much. keep in grounded in reality and make it relatable. that's what the best science fiction does for me.
I will think a lot more about Taliri and Sylkx's voice in the re write. I do have an idea how I want them both to sound its just a little difficult when trying it.
Cheers for the heads up. I will sort out the tenses promise...
D
At 45 5000 words...
I am well chuffed. I want to get this to 50 by the weekend. And hopefully finish the first draft.
I know there are a good few things which need work.
Thanks for the heads up people.
Dawn
It's soo much easier when you don't have to! lol
Congratulations. You are an inspiration to me and so many other people that once you set yours mind to something ANYTHING is possible.
You rock Dawn.
This is looking really good 'cept the tenses and stuff but it's just your first draft and for that it's great! :D!
Well done!
XxkissessxX
Its tough trying to write a novel when you are used to doing scripts and the tenses have me going nuts, but I will catch them in a re write.
There is lots I do want to add to this as yet. But that will take time.
I want to get it to about 90 k
Thanks for the comments though hun,
D
Chapter one. 1 - 18 Sylkx
Chapter two. 18 - 33 Taliri
Chapter three. 33 - 43 Sidra
Chapter four. 43 - 49 Taliri
Chapter five. 49 - 52 Dr. Carmichael
Chapter six. 52 - 61 Taliri
Chapter seven. 61 - 69 Sylkx
Chapter eight. 69 - 80 Taliri
Chapter nine. 80 - 83 Dr. Carmichael
Chapter ten. 83 - 86 Sidra
Chapter eleven. 86 - 91 Taliri
Chapter twelve. 91 - 102 Sylkx
Chapter thirteen. 102 - 102 Taliri
Chapter fourteen. 102 - 112 Sidra
Chapter fifteen. 112 - 119 Taliri
Chapter sixteen. 119 - 122 Dr Carmichael
Chapter seventeen. 122 - 130 Taliri
Chapter eighteen. 130 - 134 Sylkx
Chapter nineteen. 134 - Taliri
Dawn
Now to fill in all the gaps. Add in more and get rid of the bad 'tenses' I hope.
Wish me luck....
D
Great.
I will have to sort it out tomorrow.
Too tired.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr
D
Because I don't seem to be able to get rid of all the scribbled text.
Till its sorted I will be away.
D
Trying deleting it and readding it in stages.
Wish me luck.
D
My problem with this is it's one-toned. You have this cool alien history, including a rather peculiar conflict with the humans. However, up until now the novel has told the story and nothing more. A bland stringing together of events. You're missing the spark that could really make this story jump out at the audience.
For starters: pacing, pacing, pacing. Your plot's pacing has been put on cruise control. Mix it up a little! Reading through, I kept thinking to myself "This is dragging on", or "That was rushed". There are times when you need to stop and smell the roses-- provide interesting details and description that make the world you've created real for the reader-- and, adversely, there are points in which the dialogue or action should just punch right through. Kazzing!
Speaking of action-- your action scenes are on the stale side of things. The following is a snippet of an action scene from one of Neal Stephenson's novels: "He charges directly at Hiro, hollering at the top of his lungs. The movement actually consists of a very rapid shuffling motion of the feet, so that he stays balanced at all times. At the last moment, he draws the sword up over his head and snaps it down toward Hiro. Hiro brings his own sword up, rotating it sideways so that the handle is up high, above and to the left of his face, and the blade slopes down to the rights, providing a roof above him. The businessman's blow bounces off this roof like rain, and then Hiro sidesteps to let him go by and snaps the sword down toward his unprotected shoulder. But the businessman is moving too fast, and Hiro's timing is off. The blade cuts behind and to the side of the businessman." A couple things to notice here: 1) each action flows into the next. We're not reading a summary, but witnessing a cause-and-effect chain 2) The verbs jump out and grab you. They're strong and interesting 3) It's easy to picture what is occurring.
As has been noted earlier by Jack, your characters must have different voices. Alexia's not too bad, but if I covered up Syl and Talli's names I wouldn't for the love of me be able to who's who.
To be honest, I'm slightly weirded out seeing first person in science fiction. I think it's starting to become more popular now, but I'm not really a fan of science fiction, so I couldn't tell you. First person is good for allowing us to see what's going on inside the character's head. Third person allows for quick plot delivery, which is why it is the usual choice for plot-driven genres like fantasy, suspense, and sci-fi. I do believe first person can benefit those genres, though, if it is done in such a way that it allows for the readers to connect with the story's humanity (or, in this case, alienity!). However, it can also create compromise. I read once in an article that people are easily deceived into believing first person is the easiest way to right. The writer pointed out that you can't just stick any character at the helm-- the narrator must be able to hold our interest. There are some points where I do see glimmers of personality shine through in this area. For the most part, however, Syl just narrates. Nothing more.
I've been writing novels for about eight years now. The first time I showed my work to a published author, she told me in the kindest and gentlest way possible that what I had written ways merely telling thing story. I needed to be showing. Not just with visual cues, as found in screenplays: all five senses should be engaged at some point or another. There was a line I had written about mud seeping around people's feet. As this author pointed out, there was no feeling in what I'd written. Now, on the other hand, if I'd written the mud had seeped around their feet, oozing and squishing between their toes-- well, you can really FEEL that, can't you? Bam-- the reader makes a connection to the story. And that's what I feel your novel is missing. Connection. I'm reading through without knowing how I should be feeling. One thing that screenplay writing lacks is this connection: is shows us something. It's visual. Novels do not show us things. Novels allow us to step into the story.
I am sorry if you found any of my comments blunt. You strike me as a writer who can benefit more from honest advice than a pat on the back. Hopefully, you feel the same!
Oh, and I will try to read the rest sometime!
-Tess
As a very rough draft most of the action and everything is copied across from the scripts. (Series) so yes they are lacking in mostly how a novel should be written. The transition from script to novel has been slightly harder than I anticipated.
I really do want to add in all that 'spark' as you call it. For the most part I was trying to get all my tenses right, I am not actually doing a re-write at the moment.
But seeing as you have mentioned some very good points, I will think about how they affect the rest of the story.
Also I will think a lot more on how to separate Sylkx and Taliri's voices because in the scripts I feel they come off a lot better than they do here.
I was trying to keep most of the story the same just including the separate issues they followed in their personal lives.
At present I am just playing and having some fun with it, again though thank you.
I agree first person might seem a little strange in sci fi. But I am hoping I can pull the story off, and it will be the world you describe.
Speak soon.
Dawn
One thing I'm noticing here...the fight around page 20, from what I gather, takes place on the street. You mention a couple times characters dropping to the 'floor'. There would be no floor-- just ground.
Be careful how you lump your paragraphs together. Except for in dialogue, a new paragraph is created when idea you are focusing on changes. You have some paragraphs that should be meshed together.
At the kidnapping part now...hey I remember this from the screenplay! It's been awhile...The dinosaur part still gets a chuckle from me though.
I am reading a lot trying to find my poetic voice at the moment, to start to feel and see things from a book point of view, its very different from script writing.
Hope you are well hun, speak soon.
Dawn
Best of luck with your novel writing!
Tess.
Thanks for the heads up though, I def like Sidra and Taliri the best, maybe it shows.
Thanks for reading, anything I can do in return just shout.
Dawn