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Views: 21
Comments: 6
Comments: 6
By William Bell
Created 2 years, 7 months ago
Edited 2 years, 6 months ago
Category: Feature Film
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Just a head's up, because someone was bound to mention it C:
Good luck. It seems pretty interesting so far...
You repeat things often. "Destroyed buildings are either propped against other buldings..." "low in the sky, casting an errie blood red glow in the sky and bathing" If possible try to employing the same noun twice in a sentence. For these two examples, you could use "against each other", and "red glow and bathing".
In Dom's speech, you toss around some "they"s and "it"s. Who are they? What was it? I know it is war, but the soliloquy steeped in vagueness, and somewhere therein in kind of looses its meaning.
"Even if they never aim, they don't miss." That's kind of a paradox.
I like the idea of the Aliens being the Cult. It kind of has a mysterious, spiritual property to it that hasn't really been done to death in the Alien genre...Aliens tend to be portrayed as these agnostic, scientific beings without any religious association.
Vehicle should not be capitalized. The only thing that should be capped are character names when they first appear and important sounds. Even the latter is debatable (I personally like to cap sounds, as do others, but some people would argue it shouldn't be done).
So that's the first page anyhoo.
"as well as the faces of the aliens fighting through." as well as is this massive conjunction that reads through like a fat kid on a water slide (pardon my figure of speech). It gets stuck. Avoid using it by shortening it to 'and'.
"Chunks of their bodies" again, this can be shortened to "body parts", or "chunks of flesh", or what have you.
When possible, don't using 'ing' ending verbs. For instance, standing becomes stands. It reads better.
"The Cult army fighting their way through the human soldiers, showing no mercy, no remorse, only death." You had me until the last two words. Death? How about "no mercy, no remorse, only cruelty" or something?
"wonderful sight for a space ship. " - "of". Also, the next sentence can be linked to this one with a comma.