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Kismet
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Views: 85
Comments: 20
Comments: 20
Created 2 years, 5 months ago
Edited 1 year, 2 weeks ago
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CMF
As a feature film there is no need to put Act one, just fade in, to the left.
How old is Bruno, 3 - 63. Giving us an age, will help us picture him. For all I know like I said he could be 3.
I don't know why you cap sun light neither, this isn't really needed. Just pulls the reader out of the read, and wondering why it is in fact capped at all!
Also I wouldn't use Morning in your scene heading unless there is something we really need to know happens as soon as Dawn rises. Ie for a vampire flick etc. DAY/NIGHT is enough for any director.
Same goes with continuous, if it is obvious the scene is running on, no need to state it.
I feel although some of your action paints a pretty picture, there is also no need for such description. A lot of this can be cut down. Really you should limit the amount of text on the page, most script readers go can make a choice on a script, by the scripts weight and black to white ratio.
You also only need to have one Fade in, and one Fade out in the entire script. Beginning and ending.
Its not a bad read though, keep at it.
Dawn
thanks for the heads up... i will update it accordingly.
jj.
Dawn
john august recently mentioned in his blog, when talking about (final) draft review, that he likes to print a copy. makes it easier to catch inconsistencies, errors, typos...
b&w is surely on my list now. especially because i am very, i mean, ver very detail-oriented.
thanks a lot!
jj.
BRUNO
Did you close the window shut?
Why not try saying, Did you shut and lock the window?
GUSTAVO
Does she want to be alive? Does she need to be alive? Take off the spear, man. And put her outta her misery.
Try, Take out the spear, man. Put her out of her misery.
Paula also has a large bakc pack, I think you meant it to be BACK PACK.
I like this so far, Jorge. Seriously, I think the dog would have bled to death by the time they fixed it up. Where are your zombies? I read what you have thus far and not a single walking corpse.
Keep at it though, man.
CMF
thanks for the tips. please, keep coming back here.
ps: i keep the "zombies" or whatever they are away from the story now to captive the readers (and, later on, the viers). i like this "where the fuck are they" tension, or, even better - "who are 'they'???". wait and see...
jj.
Read to Page 10.
I think there should be discussions on market for a script where dogs are eaten and an infected woman with two kids is bashed in the head, presumably to be eaten as well. If you give vodka to a dog it will kill the dog. Wheelchair is one word, sunshine, sunlight is one word. Lilies in a vase on a table and gas masks don't go together.
BRUNO, 25, rouses from slumber; wipes sweat from forehead; frowns as daylight blasts through window; reaches for wheelchair parked alongside bed. As BRUNO maneuvers onto mobility scarred flesh reveals; pistol protrudes from pillow; muted SHOT from adjoined room.
(end of suggested Scene; one 3/4 line- paragraph, not five paragraphs of 15/16 lines)
'...stove and small table only appliances.....' A table is not an appliance.
Third para., Scene 1, sits, not sit.
Tea scene is not believable; He went out for some kind of important business, would not stop for tea.
Bruno's wanting to save dog seems unbelievable in such total dysfunction.
Keep writing.
Bruno wants to save the dog because it's not infected, when it should be infected. There is some wordings down the script, I will move it forward. Or just change it to make more sense.
I need to re-work on the script to adhere to the 10-page rule. So it clears some points out too!
The Tea Scene - Gustavo imagines them. He doesn't actually see it. There is another scene half-way through the story that explains that.
But hey, thanks a lot. If you manage to read more things, let me know.
JJ.
Aaron Falkner gave me wonderful and valuable advice on writing directions, descriptive sentences (similar to my suggested Scene 1 direction above); try and read some of his writing, for clues that make writing scripts so much easier.
Couple of points: Gustave does not leave house/apartment after shooting dog from window, but you have him coming in the door with dog over shoulder. He must exit. You pull spear 'out' of dog, not 'off' of dog. Stove and small table are only 'furnishings,' and not appliances (table is not an appliance). If tea scene is only a dream, reader doesn't know that. You have him leaving street to go to her apartment - no mention of dream. Flowers are okay if it is a dream; otherwise they don't go with gas masks. You watered-down the vodka before putting in dog's mouth; maybe okay, but ordinarily vodka would kill a dog, or cause seizures.
One big problem - as we know from 'Mad Cow Disease' (where cows become crazy and die after eating infected meat fed to them) and other disorders, if we eat infected meat we become infected as well. And, I don't think cooking the meat at high temperature solves the problem. This raises a question of believability in your story line, or premise, I think. I don't know the answer.
I hate this stuff (like romances and comedy...) but I will go on reading it. I have no idea where markets are for this genre of writing. I see your talent though (and wish your were writing romances, comedy...). Be back soon.
Very interesting - very grotesque in parts.
Almost immediately and then throughout the story, I thought of the movies '28 Days Later' and '28 Weeks Later'.
Think of a horrific disease - a plague (sic Albert Camus) - and horrible monsters, etc. encapsulating a real human drama story. Each movie had inner conflicts set within the nightmarish conditions, with real protagonists and antagonists. It made the nightmare all the more palpable.
Can you make your script get to this level: the characters coming to life within the horror, not just being set pieces in a horror film?
This is one of the challenges with my script, and I think you are spot-on. I had problems in trying to describe the disease (the virus) and only recently I was able to add and or revise few scenes to make it work.
I will think about what you suggested; they are good comments. I will go back to my notes and my story behind it all and see what I can do.
Thanks again!
JJ.
Added few lines too. New dialogues on the virus and the meaning of the mutt - by page 5.