Originator

Scripts from Same Idea

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Untitled Private Investigation Project
(Based on 2 ratings)
License:
Views: 85
Comments: 9
Created 2 years, 3 months ago
Edited 1 year, 8 months ago
Category: Feature Film
Page / 1

Comments
Originator found this helpful.
D. A. Washington (Sent 1 year, 10 months ago)
Hey -- James. Just passing through to check out your script. Before I comment, please remember that it's just my opinion, and you can take them or leave them.
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I've scanned over the first 10 pages, and let me start off saying that for the most part, the dialogue is fresh and engaging. That's what pulled me in from the start. Nice job there.

Your action lines, however, need some work. As a writer of screenplays, always try to write with an active voice in the present-tense.
Example:
"He's whipped out his cell phone, fingers texting feverishly." -- That's passive and in the past-tense. To make it active, it should to read, "He whips out his cell-phone. His fingers move feverishly as he keys a text message." This way, the focus is on the character who performs the action, not the other way around.

As far as the story goes, it's solid, and I think it has promise. The only thing that bothered me is the fact that the first scene meanders for 5 pages. That's 5 minutes. In my opinion, that bogs down your script. At the latest, the scene should have ended after Danny finds out that Denise is working the case... after she takes the pictures. Again, that's only my opinion.

Formatting: Only one issue here. When introducing a speaking Character into a script for the first time, their name should be in all CAPS. After that, standard rules apply.

Overall, I think you are on the right track. Just think about what I've said, check for typos and grammatical errors and you'll be fine. Good luck, and keep writing!

Peace and Blessings

DA
Originator found this helpful.
Richard Parker (Sent 1 year, 9 months ago)
Not to shabby man.
Richard Parker (Sent 1 year, 9 months ago)
That's some good insight DA
Originator found this helpful.
Tamera Janneff (Sent 1 year, 9 months ago)
A very interesting script! Although I find the whole Matt/Miranda thing confusing . . .I thought both of them said that Miranda was cheating? But the last scene with Alice and John talking got me confused. Clarification would work there.
Other than that, I found it very interesting! I can't wait to read more!
  • (5/5 stars)
ORIGINATOR
James Scott (Sent 1 year, 9 months ago)
My apologies, Tamera. I figured the whole "Being Edited" bit would explain the random notes at the end, but I guess I'll just stick those in a file so no one will be confused.
Originator found this helpful.
David (Sent 1 year, 9 months ago)
The one thing I thought was a little odd, was the Danny's inexperience. He is inept. I know it's there for humor (the read ferrari) but anyone in the business would know that an extravagant car won't do. Also, how did Denise not notice it on the way in, who drove? Like I said though, Danny is borderline dumb in the exposition, I just don't see how he would be given a job on investigations. I appreciate him being a little green behind the ears, but you might want to give him some redeemable characteristics.
I loved the dialogue though. Very snappy, very clever, keep up the good work.
ORIGINATOR
James Scott (Sent 1 year, 9 months ago)
I just figured on letting the audience assume Denise and Danny meet in the diner.

As for Danny's inexperience, I promise there's a reason and explanation for it. One of those "bear with me" problems I tend to have, but trust me, it's not just there for humor. My humble apologies.

P.S. The red Ferarri's a jab at Magnum, P.I. ^_^
David (Sent 1 year, 9 months ago)
Hmmm... I can definitely deal with a later explanation. But it seems a little unbelievable that two ordinary people, who just met, would divulge details about secret investigations to each other. I think it could happen, but I don't think you could just pull it off by not explaining why. Perhaps you can start the scene when they first come in. I think that would be really interesting, showing how two strangers get to talking about such secretive things. Some nice awkward moments too.
Just a thought of course.

P.S. I am pretty new to scripped. I was part of zhura and I'm not quite sure how to accept your friend request.
Dawn Chapman (Sent 1 year, 8 months ago)
I enjoyed the read, you have a great idea in here. See noted below.

S
  • (3/5 stars)