Originator

Scripts from Same Idea

Nothing here right now.
No Going Back
(Based on 7 ratings)
License:
Views: 302
Comments: 36
Created 3 years, 11 months ago
Edited 1 year, 9 months ago
Category: Feature Film
Key Words: Wise
Page / 1

Comments
Stripes (Sent 3 years, 11 months ago)
Went through and continued editing. You're setting up a good story here, Gene! I get the idea of what's going on, but I'm interested to what happens next.
I.A. Borrero (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
Interesting concept here =)
Stripes (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
; ) This is really coming along. For some reason, I REALLY like the phone conversation between Chris and Martha. It seems very real. Kinda sad that Martha has no clue, but that's expected and realistic.

Haha, I noticed that Chris leaves the sink on and doesn't turn it off. You could so bring that up later, like Martah goes up there and starts freaking out that the bathroom is flooding. Comic relief. : )
Timothy Brown (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
Good start, but..some scenes that might read fast are going to be pretty slow on camera...like cooking breakfast, with little dialog. It seems like he finds the recorder pretty fast. And lastly, are these tough guys going to say Freaking? But, like I said, good start.
Jamika Scott (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
I enjoyed this. I wasn't sure if I would be left wanting more, but I really do! I can't wait to see where this goes. Great start.
Stripes (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
..... Oh my. *cries*
Jamika Scott (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
Your dialogue when they're talking about becoming CAPO between the cousins, doesn't sound realistic. Like "the most important day in a wise guys' life" doesn't sound right. Also, you use a lot of exclamation points. I think it creates the wrong kind of feel for the scene. Like this last dinner scene. They are '!' excited, but they're just doing an everday task.
Jamika Scott (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
I like the rewrite.
Tony Young Jr. (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
I love the story. I'm into the gangster type films. So far so good. I think you should change one lil part when they met up with the boss the 1st time. They shook his hand, but I think they should hug the boss. But big ups to you
Stripes (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
Gene, my computer's been acting up so I haven't been on much. I'm using my dad's old Toshiba right now to get online; it doesn't work very well, but it works. I've gone through and edited again. Your story's really coming along! : ) I'm anxious to see where you take this.

And I think with a little bit of final editing once this is written through once, it could end up to be a real good movie.
Jamika Scott (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
I love the new scenes. I'm really getting the feel of the main characters here. The last scene with Joey and Chris is brutal--it's great. I can't wait to see what is next.
Terry Hilmer (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
Hello Gene. I like the story, I like the concept and I like the way you are putting it together. If you wouldn't mind a little professional critique, you are writing in a style that is both book and script. It is very common and actually a hard habit to break. For instance, re-read your, oh let's say the scene where breakfast is being mad. Simply stating does set the scene into picture motion. The added description of getting it from by the fridge etc. is fluff usually saved for manuscipts, not screen-scripts. Its tough sometimes to not be protective of our work and want every scene to go our way, but the reality is that directors want to direct based on their interpretation of what we write and actors want to do the same thing. I'm not trying to discourage you...you are on your way, but in my experience I know that these will be issues so I thought I would give you a heads up in advance, perhaps you can fix these things as you write. One last point, you will find that may be important is to curb most of your use of actor direction (worried) (angry) etc. You will find if you go to sell this that you will be forced to remove many of them, reserving only those that cannot otherwise be interepreted by the actor for either what is happening in the scene or specific language. Remember, say is little as possible in descriptions talking in pictures as you set the scene. What are we looking at...what do we see...what is happening, then let the dialog carry the rest. You are well on your way and I sorry to put my two cents in like this, but I see talent in you and think if you apply these principles early on, you'll reach greater success and minimal frustration later. Good Luck to you.
Stripes (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
Mr. Hilmer: This is Gene's... "editor". : ) We'll work on that. Thanks for the crit, and best regards to you, as well.
Jamika Scott (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
There are a lot of typos/misspelled words and words that are punctuated wrong. I learned early on that since script readers have so many scripts to read that they look for any reason to toss a script aside. Errors like spelling and punctuation will get the script tossed aside quickly.
Melanie (Sent 3 years, 9 months ago)
ouch! :) fingers.
I like it.
Stripes (Sent 3 years, 9 months ago)
So much violence... agh... it burns...
Melanie (Sent 3 years, 9 months ago)
You are a good writer gene
Stripes (Sent 3 years, 9 months ago)
S-...So much violence......

but I'm noticing a plot arc!
Melanie (Sent 3 years, 9 months ago)
it's amazing to me how committed you are to this ..it's inspiring...being serious :)
Toni Swisk (Sent 3 years, 9 months ago)
You have an uncanny ability to hold together dialogue and action between so many characters at once! I wish I could hold together so many ideas at once.. I have to give ideas tickets like I'm at the damn deli..... I'll comment some more after I've read some more. Great so far!
Melanie (Sent 3 years, 9 months ago)
Wow Gene ...you are really moving along here!!! Congrats ...I need to read through closely --you've added many new things. Inspiring to me. The characters are really well though out.
Pete Rock (Sent 3 years, 9 months ago)
You have a major dialogue error on page 1 so I did not bother to read any further. Check it out, maybe I am just missing something.



joseph

(very upset)

Screw you, you're cheating! Do you know what they did to cheaters back in the western days?

Chris
No Bobby I don't. Why dont you tell me?


~~~Why is Chris getting mad at Bobby when Joseph is the one challenging him? I read it a few times and I am pretty sure it was just a small goof on your part but it was enough for me not to want to spend anymore time on the script.
Jeff (Sent 3 years, 9 months ago)
Good eye, I've been reading this script the last few days (it's great by the way) and never realized that. definitely an error.
Jeff (Sent 3 years, 9 months ago)
Also, one more thing, shouldnt the five guys who are introduced be in all caps? It doesnt matter to me, but I always thought that was something that always needed to be done, formatting wise.
Margie (Sent 3 years, 9 months ago)
I have never read script as fantastic than this. There are some grammar you need to fix but aside from that,great job! With this talent you will go far,what you have here is really good. Expand on it,I would really like to see how this story finishes.......keep up the good work Gene !!!
mericar (Sent 3 years, 9 months ago)
I'm impressed with the story. Can't wait to see how it ends. I also like how the dialogue rings true,keep moving and you will be amazed at your skills Make it a bit longer i know u can make it.....Good luck
Clint Nugent (Sent 3 years, 9 months ago)
Go with some more unconventional dialogue...think of another way to introduce the card game through conversation or friendly jesting. I could think of a few ways, but right now the dialogue is pretty...idk....and at the same time think of things that would come up in real life
Jamika Scott (Sent 3 years, 8 months ago)
Congrats on finishing!!
Such a bloody ending, haha. I like it though.
A bit of touching up in some places will make this wonderful. I'm sure you're tired of reading this, but be especially sure to correct your spelling and grammatical errors (or have someone do it for you).
Again, congratulations. I'm jealous, haha.
philip gary lombard (Sent 3 years, 8 months ago)
The first 5 pages couldve been captured in 2 and a half pages.
Opening scece: leave out the color of everyone's hair!
DELETE "MOVIE OPENS UP"
A lot of the dialogue is very hackneyed. Spice it up. And use some subtext!
Stripes (Sent 3 years, 8 months ago)
.... Whoah.

Dude.

You're right, that ending surprised me...
Earl Thompson (Sent 3 years, 7 months ago)
If this is a shooting script, you're on the right track. If this is a spec script, you only need one FADE IN, which should be at the beginning
and you don't need 'CUT TO'. Do not start your spec script with 'THE MOVIE OPENS'. If you're not a director, you're not writing a movie, you're writing a script, which is a blue print for a movie. As a script writer, your duty is to tell a story, which hopefully will be made into a movie, if it is bought or optioned. If you're a director, please accept my apology.
mericar (Sent 3 years, 5 months ago)
I really liked it.
  • (4/5 stars)
Originator found this helpful.
Dawn Chapman (Sent 3 years, 4 months ago)
Hi Gene

First off to get this ready for any competition, you need to get it away from being a shooting script. It will not make it past the first read like this. I am sorry to be so blunt, but I don't want you putting your heart into something that isn't quite ready.

Earl is right in his wisdom but just to the point. (which some people can't take easily)

If I were you, I would give yourself a couple of months to get this polished off ready for competition, and film festivals. I will do all I can within the time scale and help you get it top notch.

I can see you put a lot of heart and soul into this but it needs work still, and the deadline you gave me for the one you wanted to put it into is too close. (sorry)

Any how I will run through some of this today, and leave notes for you ok. I will also start this off as a spec script, so you can get the idea of how it should read.

Much thought your way. Your friend

Dawn
Originator found this helpful.
Dawn Chapman (Sent 3 years, 4 months ago)
Ha ha I am rating it now, so I can then go edit it in a bit... (I am wondering if it will stick or be taken off too)

Dawn
  • (4/5 stars)
Originator found this helpful.
Stripes (Sent 3 years, 3 weeks ago)
Ah, so many memories with this script :) It's nice to see it back in public.
Larry Lease (Sent 1 year, 5 months ago)
Loved it