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Cover Band: Don't Stop Believing
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(Based on 8 ratings)
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License:
Views: 185
Comments: 41
Comments: 41
By Jim Bennett
Created 3 years, 7 months ago
Edited 2 years, 3 weeks ago
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www.TerryDHilmerGroup.com for an example of a script. you will see other works there, but that is the only one I will reveal in full to the public. Again, Public Domain is a concern to us all. My other works are limited to loglines and synopsis only. Good Luck!
This reminds me a lot of Beerfest or Orgaszmo, to be honest. Mostly because of the group humor and semi-satiric nature of it all. Some things are a bit over the top, but they are over the top in the right places. Just remember it'll have to stay pretty over the top throughout.
I am a bit worried that the Mike and DJ running gag might have already been pushed too far for it to sustain a full feature. I liked when it was just a side thought, but then he grabbed his hand and that kinda moved it too far ahead too fast. Then again, maybe you can take it far further.
Also, there are no real descriptions of anyone but Garry. I don't know anything about the band members, nor the wives, nor the other side characters. While they don't all have to be fleshed out, it would be nice to have an image to go with it.
My thoughts: keep it up! If you can keep the humor at the consistency it is now, this will only get better.
"There is a band on the stage playing listlessly. There are nine patrons there watching them."
You shouldn't be talking about scene, it's like you're writing a novel, the difference is that you're using screenplay headings. And there is another part where you have FLASHBACK MONTAGE. Montage is a series of shots. When you're writing FLASHBACKS, it should be like this. If you're starting with interior, it should be like this INT. HOUSE - DAY (FLASHBACK)
A flashback normally ends with a scene heading, for example, INT. HOUSE - DAY (PRESENT) I recently had one of my scripts professionally critiqued, if you e-mail me at tearl@ymail.com, I will e-mail it to you and let you see.
Terry: I'm trying like hell not to add too much fluff. Believe me, from my original up to this point, there is a lot that has been trimmed. I'll take your pointers about common words and thin the verbage.
K: Thanks. I was going to write one more conflict with the gay innuendo and end it. I'm glad you enjoy it. I too felt like I was rushing that gag too much.
Earl: I'm trying to write as professionally formatted a script as I can. However, with the three books I've read, they tell me something different in regards to formatting. From what I gather, that's the problem with reading screenplay books and not taking classes. But I'll take your advice and go with that because I think that would make the script an easier read.
Thanks again guys..
I still really like where you're going, but wouldn't they need to hit DJ with something a bit more substantial to get his attention?
Okay. I see. ; ) First thing I noticed is some formatting problems. Now, this isn't necessary, and I notice you're working on this. But try to keep your action paragraphs smaller, so the reader isn't overwhelmed by the blocks of text. It makes it an easier and more enjoyable read.
It's pleasant that there isn't much fluff, but it's also not too direct. The flor of the action lines is very smooth.
I also can't help but notice that your dialog is fantastic! And so are your transitions. You find the best places to switch from scene to scene.
Gary's first words are amazing. Gives us a clear but believable insight as to what he thinks, haha!
"Carl: My old lady made a roast. Gary: Sounds lovely. Get in the fucking van." Goodness. I can't even describe how amazingly marvelous your dialog is. It's so snappy and clever, and anything but forced. You definitely have a gift.
I also adore how Gary gets all flustered after being yelled at by Carl's lady. Cute. : )
OH. MY. GOODNESS. AHAHAHAHAH. "No sir, I feel kinda gay." THAT, MY FRIEND, IS HILARIOUS. Laughed out loud. Not even joking or exaggerating. Should I turn back time and record it?
Okay. Got to page twenty. I really, really want to keep going, but it's late and if I don't head off to bed then I'll explode. I'll drop by tomorrow and read more, though. Definitely.
whats under dick?
This is no time for riddles.
fucking hilarious.
you've got great characters, excellent dialogue, now you just need to get the flow of the story down.
4 stars
Pet hate of mine is too many !. Be very careful in putting these in especially after every centance of dialogue.
I also like my old lady made a roast, great line. :)
Personally I would also be wary of putting blocks of speah in caps, the actors should know the guy is shouting without the need for this, and some dont like it.
Also like mos says your action lines could do with a good tighten.
Love Diana line
You inadequate, miserable, bring everybody else down with you, lowlife...banana head.
Also love it when Mike says on page 39 so wanna see my penis. LMAO it was a little out the blue but sort of expected at the same time.
Ok read to page 40, and loved the dialogue flows really well. There are how ever too many !!! a good edit here is in need.
Hope this helps, and feel free to bob by and look at any of my stuff. Thanks, Dawn
Anyways, I'm going to do this as a compliment sandwich.
Compliment
Bad Thing
Compliment
Just coz it is more fun that way! :D!
Okay, firstly, this is a very very very funny script. It has such orginal comedy that I was sitting and laughing out loud to. IT reminded me a little bit of School OF Rock only with a more believable storyline.
I love Mike, he has so many lines that made me burst out laughing.
"I want to kiss them", "Wanna see my penis?"
His obseesion with DJ is so well written.
Two bad things.
1) Don't put your dialogue in CAPS. I find it annoying to read and if you're directng anyway, you can tell him to be angry or an exclamation point is fine.
2) Don't double your exclamation points, that bugs me to hell. YOu only need one to emphasis a point, you never need two.
This is just way way too funny and I love it! THe winking of Hary to the "You're making him gay" of Kix. I love these characters. "I want to kiss them!" :D!
I was disappointed when I got to the last page and the last line was "Of course, sir, I'll be right back with your beverage." I kept on scrolling for a minute trying to find more of the script. Which is good, because I didn't want it to end! :D!
Well done! :D!
Feel free to read the new version of A GRade! :D!
XxkissessxX
Got a chance to look through your first few pages - There's a lot of good advice here about trimming narrative, etc. -I don't know if you've got your story down yet, but first and foremost, tend to that before you worry excessively about format. Fixing it for a final draft? Definitely, but first you need to conquer the story. And in a first draft that can involve messy narrative for many. When I feel like I'm done with a story, I'll go back and edit down the unnecessary narrative 6 or 7 times before I consider it a "final draft."
Anyway, I like the dialogue, the character interactions and the visuals you've set up in your first 10 pages. You've even got a goal setup - to be the best cover band ever! Good first draft start. I'll try to pick up more on this one later.
First line of sentences could be broken up. It's a big block of words you know.
Oh on page 2 in mike's first words there is an ing left in there in case you forget.
Ok just gotta page 9 and I gotta go. Dialogue is very good, I read that really easily and always knew who was speaking without having to look back or anything.
Character's interact well with each other, something thatI wish I could do as well as you.
Gary is my fave so far, he's funny, kinda reminds me of the old fella outta dodgeball you know.
A few mistakes in the dialogue that just need to be edited but am I mistaken in thinking that there was a few curse words that have been taken out?
I'll be back later to read on, it's a nice fast opening.
Oh and sorry but I don't know the songs so far which I think if I did could've made me enjoy it more if I had there tunes in my head, hardly blaming you though for that ha ha
Oh and you spelt Kix as Kit on that page.
My impressions, LOve the character's. They all fit in well together and especially now the thing with D'J and Mike, very funny.
Now with Carl I honestly, kinda thought he got pushed too far in the back once the business at the start with the wife.
It was only until he started talking about his book deal that he came back to my attention, maybe just a little scene before this about him talking that he'd love to write a book or something, to be honest I think you could because this has a lot of funny moments, and not only by one character but pretty much all ya know.
Now when Kix comes out of the toilets with his pants down, I think Gary could do a lot better than calling him mr.pants. Gary kinda let me down there, Aaah Gary come on man!
Now at the moment I think Gary isn't as authorative now there famous which is a small let down but maybe I'm jumping the gun.
Gary outside TRL live, very funny and shows a bit of a different side to Gary, but one of my favourite scenes so far.
Like at the moment I'd definately give this a 4, I'm surprised how funny it is and truely one of the best script I've read, especially the character's feel very real if you understand.
I'll be back to read more very soon.
Yes, from start to finish it is very, very funny and there are so many great scenes, TRL, In the Interview room (every time) and the interview on radio to name only a few so good job there.
Very good dialogue and unbelievably believable! You have a gift with character's interacting with each other.
I can't pick a character in it who I didn't like and yes Carl does come back into it more but none of them get in the way of each other from when I read it.
Now one thing is when Gary got compared to the fella out of the Real World.
Don't know what that is, is it that popular? Kinda think someone better could have been used. But i'll leave you off with one joke not coming off :)
Now I read a comedy on another site and liked it. But I read a review on it and the reviewer made the arguement that it was just a collection of jokes and no story. Point is there was no goal to achieve or dilemma or anything for the character's that I think is the same here.
When they beat Flashback to first place at page 51 there kinda done and just not doing much after that, there's no conflict or anything do you understand?
Now I'm not a pro or anything so I could be wrong and it might'nt matter the slightest for a comedy but I'm just giving you want I think might be the way it works, I could be wrong.
It's definately a four in my eyes, and a high one at that but I don't wanna seem to easy a rater and put down a 5 ha ha!
Hope I helped a bit.
It was even better second time round, thought a rating was needed on this mother! :D!
XXkissessxX
I touched on this again after a year :]
After reading about 16 pages, I started thinking about what your thematic structure was. And I jotted down a slew of notes that I'll send you separately, even though I've only read 16 pages. They might have nothing to do with the rest of the script, or you might think they're useful! Either way, I hope I helped :]
DJ
I was in the library, school computers today, and a boy, Alex, wrote that against my will when I left the room. I have a big problem with him. Whether you choose to believe me or not, that's the truth.
So I apologize. And as a writer myself, it's completely unprofessionally and gramatically unsound. That wasn't me. I will have a script up soon, and to have somebody write the same about mine would be annoying at the least.
Again, I apologize and hope you'll forgive this bastard (he tried to delete my script, which is in personal at the moment).
D.
I really like this piece Jim.
Glad to see you still dusting it off.
Happy New Year.
Namaste,
G
D
D