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DARIÓN
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(Based on 2 ratings)
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Views: 89
Comments: 44
Comments: 44
Created 2 years, 4 weeks ago
Edited 3 months, 1 week ago
Category: Feature Film
Key Words: Superhero Comments
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Dawn
...a truly blessed meal.
As it's your first script. I will run through it from the beginning and let you know thoughts etc as they come.
Fade in.... correct and on the right side of the page :) something most new script writers get wrong.
Your first scene heading, is a little clunky.
You can omit the 'OUTER RIM REGION OF OUR' and just use SOLAR SYSTEM... this tells us just enough info without being over bearing.
Onto your first main opening action sequence....
Okay, so a few problems here.
You write.
Slowly reveal clusters of stars that twinkle intermittently across the majestic vastness of the extraterrestrial habitat. Profound tranquility reigns. Unexpectedly, whatever peace existed is alarmingly shattered by the cacophony created by the concentrated propulsion emitted by powerful engines of a MEKTION Mother-Ship Spacecraft that hurriedly propels itself through dusty spatial matter.
I'm going to tell you a few basic things here.
As a first time script writer, hoping and dreaming of getting this out there, don't direct it. Anything that suggests in the slightest that... 'we see, we here, slowly reveal' this is one of the biggest new writer mistakes, because they have read on line shooting scripts, and not spec scripts.
Second main point is its too long. You really need to try and keep your action paragraphs less then four lines.
You don't need to use any transitions, they aren't necessary any more and the only real thing you need to do is use fade in, at the beginning and fade out at the end.
I like the way you come from an alien language and then translate it to something readable. Good job, although it is a little distracting at first.
I am a little confused at the stock footage, is this something that would need to be filmed. Or actual stock footage?
All I have for now, just started watching a film.
Its an interesting start though, :) and anything with aliens has to be good....
Dawn
Hope the movie you started is great.
I think the "Darien" in centre of first line needs to be removed. The PDF print has all the Title info.
I was told that "FADE IN:" top left was the norm.
You wrote:
Profound tranquility reigns. Unexpectedly, whatever peace existed is alarmingly shattered by the cacophony created by the powerful engines of a MEKTION Mother-Ship Spacecraft that hurriedly propels itself through spatial matter.
I'd suggest:
Silence.
A Mektton mother-ship blasts into view.
Though, I too am a mere novice, the general consensus of opinion as far as I can work it out is "less is more". Just tell the reader what he can see and hear.
I'd have silence on one line, then the other Action line separate. Easier to read, more blank paper, to the point.
If I get chance, I'll have a further peruse of the script.
Cheers
Ian FW
Silence is perhaps irrelevant as it conveys no audio or visual information.
Cheers
Ian FW
D
I agree on the general consensus. So much input to acquire, analyze and understand. In a way is overwhelming how much time and detail involves creating a script and I am listening, all your help is being added to the mix.
I guess it all remains as a manner of personal reading opinions. I'm editing the script on a daily basis, shortening it, polishing it and your interest and support will make it shine and I truly value your time and ideas.
I am most found of the gift of time bestowed on reading my script. I come from a comic book background so I'm sure descriptions will resemble that, but thanks to Dawn I went back yesterday and re-wrote the action paragraphs into more concise elements.
I am honored for having you both peruse my script and I will return in kind, for I am looking forward to give ratings and assist others as you graciously have gifted me with your time.
One special note: Everything matters and won't be taken for granted, but since no one really has read the entire plot, my primary concern is to know how good or interesting the story is on its own. Technical aspects for me at the moment are secondary, though not in any way of lesser importance. Don't take me wrong, the format is being tranformed as we all travel along this voyage, but I want to be sure that the fun ride is there and not just a perfectly composed stack of words, if you get my drift.
As a screenwriter, may not be able to share perfect insight, but as a colleague and friend, in whatever I may be able to share, assist or simply have a laugh, welcome.
Best wishes on your projects and endeavors, personal and professional.
Peace guys!
D
You can then concentrate on the 'story' more easily.
Any words that don't translate can be easily identitifed and changed/dropped.
Proper grammar is not absolutely necessary from what I've seen.
Try it and see.
Cheers
Ian
The Darion script was already translated when uploaded to Zhura, so I was far ahead of the game when I arrived here. Now I can edit it directly in English from now on.
It may take me a bit more time, but translators sometimes do so literally, whereas myself, can modify anything that does not fit literally into an appropriate equivalent. Basically when punch lines or jokes are in order.
Whatever help in Spanish you may need or translation, I'm here.
:)
Truth is that the intro is the movie's finale up to a certain point, for the entire enfing is not told, just the needed revelations of what's in store or where we are all (as readers or viewers) headed.
I used stock thinking it would be filmed and then re-used in the beginning. So, how does it work best? Should I just eliminate the Doomsday footage in the heading? Or would just using Doomsday there as a title would suffice since at the end I can use footage since most of it will repeat plus the final surprises for the climax?
Your input will be greatly appreciated.
So I began to re-think that intro segment and have just re-written it. If it doesn't break any rules I am yet not fully aware of, I hope it's likeable and appropriate. What do you make of it now?
It is the first action of the script so I do want it to convey the message of the desired effect.
That being said....
SCENE 1:
Whenever I see the opening of a movie that start with space I think Aliens.
It is an exercise in terseness.
SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE - SPACE
Silent and endless. Stars shine like the love of God... cold and remote. Against them drifts a tiny speck of technology.
Both Cameron on Aliens and Hill on Alien have this sort of flow that says a ton without extending description lines into the next century. I really like this style. Just a thought for you.
SCENE 2:
I like the fact that you described and got out of the way. I like that the rest of the scene is dialogue. My problem is I can't care about your characters or your story if I start from a place of not knowing. The movie opens strongly. But the first time I see the characters they are speaking in a language I don't understand. And I have no rules to interpret what they are saying. I am instantly put in the place of observation on the sidelines rather than the position of inclusion. I am told by the creators of this film watch while I tell you a story rather than invited to come participate in a journey with me. This is just me and not a knock on your script. It's your story. Your world. Your rules. This is just my two cents.
SCENE 3:
If the spaceship descended into Earth's space or transported their or decompressed into Earth's immediate space... we should know this from the door. Immediately. As soon as you the writer knows it. There are enough places in a script for you to lead us on and blow our wigs back. The opening is the place where you have to lay out the whole ball of wax for us. Then we can all play nice in the sandbox. Because once we know and understand the rules, your rules, you have us and you can do whatever you want with us. You can have your way with us. If you are unclear in this, the world become unclear then, we as the audience and more importantly the readers lose interest rather quickly. To that end, you should open this script with the immediate threat of aliens in Earth's space and planting bombs. I think it has the element of the "ticking clock" that adds so much to the elements of drama in a script.
To heighten the drama you can intercut the spaceship with the countdown by the aliens to the bomb to the planet earth. Hitchcock said the best way to have suspense in a movie is to place a bomb under a table and to show it immediately. Make sure that it shot in a way that only the audience is aware of its presence, and the clock counting down its detonation then have two characters sit down at the table and start talking about baseball then cut back and forth between the clock counting down on the bomb and the two characters talking. Rather than just having two characters walk into a restaurant, sitting down at a table and then BOOM!
I agree with this logic.
I am not emotionally invested enough to care that Earth is going to be destroyed. I mean all of the elements are there for me to care. So I think it is just a reordering of the events that will make this part really shine. The sequence repeats itself so I am not sure if you would want to trim that part but I think it could use some rethinking.
EXT TROPICAL ISLAND (Scene 4)
You need to use the screenwriting formatting element called "SUPER" here.... I know everyone is going to give me a bunch of crap for suggesting but here it would be the proper "oldskool" usage.
SUPER: "72 HOURS BEFORE" or "THREE DAYS AGO" or "72 HOURS TO DOOMDAY"
Scene heading is INT/EXT PLACE DAY or NIGHT.
It is not for you or even for the reader it is actually for budgeting so you can't clutter it.
EXT. COASTLINE - DAY or EXT. BEACH - DAY
Sorry pet peeve of mine. I do it too so in order to remind myself I have to catch others rather than point the finger at myself...8^)
If San Juan is an important location you have to get us there. You can do it in the previously mentioned SUPER. Or you can have us go to hotel beach or something else not so on the nose. But there is no other way than for you to get us there visually. The reader will go anywhere you tell him to but for the viewer it must be clear. Or rather clearer.
SCENE 5:
The heading tells us its San Juan. Here's where you get to write about your favorite city. Or one of them. Describe it to us as if we were blind. What would we see? Cobblestone streets. That works. What else? Short, direct and to the point. Declarative sentences. Then hit us with the dialogue that brings the viewer and the reader together.
You have an extra "e" on cell phone.
Is Madeline a voice over or off screen? ... O.S. then.
I believe foreign languages are italicized. If you must use them. Here you run into also a problem that what if your reader does not speak the language?
Either A have Axel interpret what Madeline is saying in Spanish by answering in English for the reader and the viewer. You have started to do this. I would start and finish her scene that way. Living in Miami for 7 years I get that. Or B have Madeline speak only in English. My two cents. Its your script. Your rules. Your world.
Like the big guy said. I'll be back.
Its a good start. I am interested to see what happens (ed).
LOL.
namaste,
G
I am so grateful for having you read and share your opinions, insight and just sharing. Sorry that I can't upgrade to pro yet for I had prepared and trimmed the comic book imagery that is part of this movie and attach them to the script so anyone could pop them up and actually SEE what these creatures, ships and characters are like, but will inform you all when I do. If anyone is interested in seeing them out of Zhura, message me and I'll share a link where they are available.
Alright Mr. G. I am going to get back to you about all you've posted.
So, thus far, all your findings are basically the first few pages. I'm taking notes and will improve the setting so as to establish a lockable location, which will help others begin in a less LOST environment. Hahahaha.
I'll come back after dinner and analyze note by note and modify and share again with you a bit. I am very grateful for gifting me with your time and support.
Gracias Greg!
SCENE 1:
This is about Aliens.
It's not in the future, if it's ever made, will be present time. Our Now. I see your point on Cameron and Hill, I can improve on mine, but that descripive style for me is a bit difficult. Writing all this doesn't come as natural as native speakers, but, will get there. I always do try at least.
SCENE 2:
Well about describing and getting out of the way, I attempt to write (with my ability) what allows you to see through the words and on screen. Sorry it felt from a place of not knowing. This happens within Planet Earth's Solar System. I'll add that there somehow to establish it. Never saw that other point of view and glad you brought it up.
The reason for the weird language was intended for the visual translated product. Written hits you with symbols, sorry for the confussion, but, I see like all screenwriters the images flowing. So, the idea was to let you understand psychologically that when they first speak it is heard in their language, then it is converted to OUR EARS. Etc. I'll try to re-format it so that effect is clearer. Hope this clarifies it for you though. I'm hoping by explaining you get a feel for me, the gimmick. I'll add ninety-eight to your two cents to make it an even dollar.
Your two cents have more value than you think.
I totally get you and it feel great to receive the input. I've just realized the difficulties in time flow vs. the script's read flow. Assume this, taking your criteria into question... would you have felt the same if that same scene already filmed would have played, me and you at the Premiere and the Mektionz conversed in (Their Language) and a millisecond after the effect made you undertand they speak now our tongue? Would you have interpreted differently because of the delivery? Just curious.
If I have to eliminate that altogether, let's say more read this and feel the same, then, no prob. Just know that YOU, Mr. G., ARE most cordially invited by the creator of this film, or script for the moment. Hahahaha.
SCENE 3:
This one is deep. Bear with me, let me see if I get you straight and try to clear things up. What I am trying to depict in the intro sequence with the Mektion Reptilian Aliens is that they are leaving our Planet, effective distance from the bomb they planted at Earth's Core and detonate it. What transpires does happen and it's the movie's climactic ending sequence, yet devoid of the special circumstances that will be fully revaled later on. It's like this... This terrible ordeal occurs, KNOW THIS, for the movie flashbacks to then tell you from A to Z all the events and characters until that finale. Does this help you understand my concept? Strategy?
I wanted to start literally with a BANG! Then come back and tell the story one step at a time.
Now, reading your notes, I totally understand you. The "ticking clock" element intro for the purpose of laying out the interest on whatever's next. Acknowledged!!!
I agree with both YOUR logics. The suspense does build and it is appropriate. I'll be rearranging thought patterns a while on this one. Screws with your head, but it's cool. :)
SCENE 4 and 5:
SUPER, gotcha. I was using a timeline to actually remeber when to let viewers now the countdown in the movie. Again, back to SCENE 3, The end is the beginning etc. I need the Super to let everyone know this. Will fix.
Scene Headings as well will be reviewed and revised accordingly. This is my first script and I get caught up with SO MANY details. Still learning, but with you guys around, it gets easier.
Two things about San Juan (For Real).
1) It is Puerto Rico's Capital City, major tourist area. I'm using it visually to reveal it kinda like a tourisom style effect until the protagonist is introduced. I write about things I know which are easier for me to visualize and write about.
2) Local government have established a new 40% tax credit for films that produce their projects here. So, incorporating this came naturally for me, I live here.
Plus several main scenes occur in San Juan and a San Juan Restaurant. I don't know how you will see things after you're read the entire plot, but, I am taking all of this into consideration.
But, you're also right about my execution. Need to better my declarative sentences. Another soon to be modified experience. I like your keen eye Greg.
SCENE 5 - Part II
Yeap. Madeline is an (O.S.) It's her voice coming from the Cellphone's speaker. I'll go back and fix.
Thanks for pointing out the extra "e". Will send a repair droid on the double.
Did not know about the foreign language rule. "Repair Droid, add that to your memor banks and execute." I'll revise that. The movie's primary language is english. The foreign bits are only intended to let viewers get a tiny sample of understanding that what transpires is in spanish, yet for a universal appeal movie product, already translated directly into english, etc. Just so you know and understand my approach when writing it.
I get you, I do. Your perspective represents a gazillion others who will read it that way. Filmed I'm sure would get away with it easier. I guess I thought it filmed when wrote it. You get me Greg? Have I been making any sense to you all these words... I mean, time?
Amigo, your two cents are always encouraged.
[Like the big guy said. I'll be back.
Its a good start. I am interested to see what happens (ed).
LOL.] --- And for that, I am most honored kind Sir. At least I know that spending half my life preparing for this and actually writing it didn't suck completely. It comes as a relief. Especially coming from such a descriptive writer. After Incubus, I was... Holy Cow, what have I gotten into.
So, my heartfelt gratitude.
Namaste,
AR
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"...
Ya know, I don't mean to be critical, but why do aliens always have to laugh about blasting earth to oblivion?
Wouldn't they more likely say something like, "Destroy it..." then walk away? ...and would alien beings use American slang like "smithereens"?
Of course I have yet to meet any alien being hell bent on my destruction, but if and when it does happen I have a sneaky hunch it won't be so... Ohhh, I don't know...campy?
I'm just guessing as you are though. ;)
I'm sure there could be a way to do one without having to translate their language, if the creative reasoning behind it had that awesome skill. Let's say "WALL-E" for instance, which was basically a silent movie, but, visual language and awesome subtext said it all appropriately.
I guess the slang serves that purpose. In my story, well... you would have to read it all to understand what transpires withing and when you get to that ending (which is my beginning) you'll understand better that "WHY".
Hey Mram, one of the reasons for being in Zhura is to share and obtain criticism in order to learn, grow, improve and succeed. I'm glad you took the time to read a bit and grateful for your critique. Many will do the same to you and pitch their two cents, some you'll like... others, well, for certainly won't. The idea is not to take it too personal, it's an educational journey.
Truthfully speaking, if at any time, an alien happens to appear hell bent on your destruction, I am totally sure that you won't give it the time to provide you with a perfect pre-determined, extraterrestrial oscar-winning dialogue. Once you see the perfectly sharpened teeth and flesh ripping claws, there will be no time for second guessing.
Good luck on your projects.
Take care,
AR
My comeback? How so?
I'm actually learning myself. I'm sure my script is not entirely perfect, but I continue striving for improvement. At least I wanna be able to know how well my story plot is, aside of all the tehcnical aspects. I focus on the story itself, for it is the most crucial aspect of what we are writing scripts. Some do so for fun, for love and that is awesomely admirable, but, I do hope someday I can see mine filmed. So, the entertainment/fun-factor is my major focal point. This is a comic book superhero adaptation.
You know what is also mega cool???? That people are now reading my story, like yourself yesterday. I enjoy that a lot. I am honored that you have and thanks for gifting me with a fraction of your personal, precious time. That rewards me truly.
Oh wow! You've read quite a lot. I believe more than most that have visited. For that I am doubly grateful. Well, so you know, the first act is the slowest. Axel's entire ordeal will be presented through his perspective, for is his story and transformation into Darión, which is just around your corner. After the birthday sequences, things escalate and the fun begins.
Your feedback means the world to me. To date, no one beside myself has read the entire script and I'm genuinely anxious to know what others think. I'm hoping to establish through readers as yourself a representative sample of what most likely will be how the rest of the world would feel about this, my story.
So know how much your consideration is valued. This is my first baby.
:)
Peace and success always Mr. Rauls.
AR
You are an artist. I am a art history sort of a guy. Perhaps I can explain my next point in terms of visual vocabulary. Because it is the way that I think about it when I write... (secretly wishing I could just draw it all beautifully... LOL.)
Here's why I don't like wryly's: they disrupt the flow of the visual space.
As a writer you have set up this beautiful imagery. "The blue black of space, pinholes of light, God's eye pressed against the viewfinder of his camera obscura...."
LOL
Just me playing with words don't worry.
Any way I get this great huge MF'er of an image of a ship jutting across the top of the 100 foot screen I have in my imagination and I'm jazzed inside because someone is now writing good science fiction something we don't as a viewing audience have enough of.
The we get inside the ship. Kewl. Big huge hulking Herakles-like Greek God statues of a reptilian nature. Sort of like if James Earl Jones' snake-thing from "Conan the Barbarian" and Arnold Schwarzenegger had a love child... and I'm still on your team...
Then... an explanation. I don't want an explanation ... I wanna see more kewl alien shit. Listen, I'm not being critical just trying to elucidate my point.
To show I'm a team player... For my dollar, this works me:
"At the bridge's center, the COMMANDER receives various reports. The SCIENCE OFFICER cautiously leans in. He speaks in their native tongue."
Larry, (the science officer): "We've achieved Micron detonation safe distance, Commander. What are your orders?"
Moe, (the commander): "Emit the signal on my mark. Destroy that wretched being's planet."
Larry whispers to CURLY, (the do-boy) who places his full palm against a reader then presses a number of keys in rapid succession. Curly looks pensively at Larry. Larry leads by example.
Larry: "Signal activated, Sir."
Curly contorts the buttons and turns a key-like device.
The symbols of an alien clock appear.
Moe: "Commence countdown."
Curly:"Commencing countdown, SIr."
The symbols on the clock, phase in and out of sequence.
Curly: "In fifteen ditreks... fourteen... thirteen..."
Moe: "Arm the weapon."
SALLY, (the hottest lizard chick on the bridge): "Arming the weapon, Sir"
The first symbol on the clock stops moving.
Sally: "Micron is now armed and hot, Sir."
Larry: "The weapon is armed."
Curly: "In eight.. seven... six...
Moe: "Raise protective shields"
Sally:"Raising protective shields"
The second symbol on the clock stops moving.
Larry: "Shields are raised, Sir"
Curly: in three... two... one...
The third symbol stops. An alien buzzer.
Moe: "Fire!"
Larry: "Firing!" Larry presses a button.
Moe: "Damn the all to Oblivion....!!!!"
Bruhhahahahahaaaaaa.....
For an opening something like this works for me I am just playing with your form a a bit. I just didn't like the wrylies because they get in the way of your really nice form.
To me now there is a flow and though it is militaristic, it's on a space ship so it is unfamiliar visually but familiar in that we have heard this sort of device used a million billion times before. It just seems new. We have no idea what a Mektion micron device does but it sure walks and talks like a bomb so it must do a fuck load of damage. Especially coming from the walking alligators. LOL.
I hope my point is not lost in my humor. I can clarify on another day perhaps if it is. Feel free to keep the Three Stooges names I gave your characters as my gift to you. Sally is a bonus. Also it would be best if you were to name your characters, I have a feeling they come back around so its probably best to give them names now and get it out of the way.
Namaste,
G
You've certainly elucidated. Well, for starters, you truly are a beginnings man. Which is of absolute importance, since the intro must be the engaging device to welcome the reader towards the rest.
Your sequence is just awesome. Wish I could have written it as such and by gosh you're right. It does feel perfect to set things up and feed the need of more Kewl alien things.
But, the truth is that I have to keep with the 120 page standard since I am a beginner and hope that this one day can ever be made. Right now, as is, the script when Downloaded in PDF lenghts 120.
Well, I really get the message here and your point was never lost in humor. The Main Mektion Alligators are named, but, the rest are just secondary supports, so I didn't think they would also need named. But, I will come back and tweak things.
I am extremely grateful for your return and for always gifting me with such input. Another lesson to be assimilated.
I gotta go feed the munch cavity and will return to let all that super kewl G.D.G. intro sequence sink in. I had a BLAST reading it the first time.
:)
Muchas gracias Greg!
AR
I would like for you to change the scene of Axel's awakening. Instead of having him switch between normal and energized, just keep him energized. I would prefer him to seem possessed by his power as if he has no free will. I would like for his energized alter ego to be ominous with a cold persona.
This would explain his instant familiarity with his powers. I am not sure if you explain this at a later time; nevertheless, I am just commenting as I read. I feel that the first time we should see normal axel is when he wakes up in the hospital. Could you also make him gone for at least a week instead of just one and a half days.
I know that all of this sounds cliche but it makes the story more plausible. Right now I am on pg 62 (this is for myself). I like the story but you need to polish up the script some. I would read more Sci-fi movie scripts to see how it's done.
INT. EARTH'S SOLAR SYSTEM - DOOMSDAY
Black; SILENCE; thruster engine CACOPHONY invades; Mektion Mother-Ship speeds from Planet Earth.
INT. MEKTION MOTHER-SHIP, BRIDGE - NIGHT
REPTILE CREATURES at strategic stations. Sub-commander DRAKKNOR, at Bridge center receives report from Science Officer.
SCIENCE OFFICER
(translated)
Achieved distance. What are my orders?
DRAKKNOR
Destroy.
SCIENCE OFFICER
(pressing activation)
Activation complete.
Destruction in 15 ditreks.
INT. PLANET EARTH, INNER CORE - DOOMSDAY
____________________________________________________________________
Opening Scene is in INT of Solar System
(to be cont'd)
But honestly, we need to be fair about the rating system. We all need it to learn, grow improve and through that make even more lovingly amazing scripts for everyone to share and love as well outside the creator's realm.
Hey, I am not ungrateful, I am absolutely grateful and honored by what you've done. Hoooray.
I do love it completely, but I am also in the process of perfecting it. Your contribution has ensured it.
:)
AR
Sorry to read that, but, if that is your reality I truly thank you anyway for reading it and sharing your honest opinion of it. I value sincerity and am grateful for yours, the comment and the rating.
Namaste,
AR
As an aside, comments that don't tell why a reader LIKES or HATES a project don't help the writer much; better to say nothing at all. Such comments demotivate the hard writing, and may hurt.
Thanks for pitching in though.
:)
This is DRAFT ONE and it's finished as read here. I'm currently working on DRAFT TWO, so when I'm finally done with the improved version, I'll post it public so you all can read it and provide feedback on it.
Thanks!
-Antonio
That's the idea. So, after some editing, consider that second draft the 100% of what I have in mind out of this one which without those new improvements in a manner of speaking would amount to a 95%.
Just needed tweaks for a superior completion. I am truly glad you like this version though. Rest assured I'm not spoiling anything, just assuring those final details make it actually perfect!
:)
-Antonio
^_^
Respectfully,
-Antonio