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Luthor
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(Based on 4 ratings)
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Views: 72
Comments: 22
Comments: 22
Created 2 years, 1 week ago
Edited 1 year, 9 months ago
Category: Feature Film
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EXT. PLAYGROUND NEW YORK -- AFTERNOON
A vintage Rolls Royce parks at the curb. LEX LUTHOR -- mid 30's, tall, bald -- gets out. He is impeccably dressed in designer suit and shoes. The late afternoon sun glistens of the Rolex on his tanned hand. He sticks his hands into his pocket, as he looks through the wrought iron fence and meditates on small children playing.
Did you see what I did? I replaced "intensely watches and analyzes the action" with "meditates" which means the same thing. That's what I mean by writing economical" Don't use six words when you can use one that describes the same thing.
Did you see how more powerful your description can be. The first thing I did was put the playground in the Scene Heading and tell you where we are at the same time. The next thing I did was amped up Luthor's character description. Right away anyone can tell he's rich. Rich people drive Rolls Royces, wear Rolexes and get suntanned. I hope I was some help to you. Keep writing, Rome wasn't built in a day.
When I write I kinda just go with the flow and see where it takes me. I really need to stop, come back, and fix it up.
Thanks for the comment, it really helps.
I think it's decent for a first time writing excercise, but some of your action needs to be broken into 4 line max paragraphs. Most of yours are like 5-9 lines long. Massive blocks of text are a turn off. You can say whatever you want, just split them up into 4 line blocks to make it easier on the eyes.
Also, take Robbie's advice and say as little as possible while also getting your points across. Like he said, don't use 6 words to say something when one word can replace them all...
It has been hard for me to break myself from the long flowing descriptive word that have been entrenched on me through school.
D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_A8E1UOS0fk&feature=related
Extend the structure all the way to the shoulders to carry a heavy pack load and add a combat camera to the left shoulder.
I haven't read the script yet. Just returned home from another long day at work. I will pitch-in Flash-like soon.
I'll see where you're headed with the script and whatever comes to mind that seems promising, will be shared instantly.
Even though you write well, there are many grammatical errors along the way which must be corrected. But, not to worry, finish it first and that will be easier on your second pass.
I'm no expert describing things ( I do have a hard time writing myself) but the descriptive lines have to improve. State the same in a more concise, appropriate manner. But overall, it is understandable and the story flows.
I was caught completely by surprised how you altered, or modified the Superman Mythos by having Supes recognized through Clark Kent's incredible disguise. Hahahahahahaha. I feel that you are right, that worked in the day, but Superman should be evolved to the 21st Century and that I applaud. I feel you must add more emotion, suspense and drama to that discovery. If in fact Supes tried to conceal his identity and by today's standard there is NO way anyone could be fooled by a pair of glasses, then give it a psychological twist. How would Superman try to blend in nowadays his Clark persona and the "S" ordeals. It's a a take which could mark a new evolution in his entire history. After all, he is as much Clark and Supes. Good job there.
You're building up things and since it is a Luthor movie, there is less "S" and much "L", but, as a movie, some parts lag. There is a lot of delay in scene heading changes, plot twists. Think of the public, viewing the film, in a way, fans who know extremely well the characters will endure the ride, but, others just come along for two hours of escapism. Once you write it all, read it, study it, trim it and make it more of a movie, not just the personifications of characters within it.
Let me try te explain this visually. Imagine yourself at the movie theater, flick runs and two elderly friends spend the entire movie's lenghty two hours chewing tobacco at their porch as they share old wives tales. How many people would fall asleep, even if their dialogue is awesome?
Now, say the same, the two elders, the porch and at key intervals of their conversation, we are flashbacked to their past and amazing shenanigans and when the movie ends, everyone bursts into cheers and applause.
That's what I feel about your script. Once you complete it, return and trim it, improve it saying less for more and maintain all the amazing elements which drive it now.
It is a good script, but I'm quite confident you will transform it into an awesome one.
Feel free to write me and share your views. Everything works for the better in the end.
I have not forgotten about the dogma issue. But this script is in it's own way, a Superman origin story re-told through Lutho's most peculiar perspective. So, you're right. It is a bit harder to fit in additional pieces to the puzzle, but, not impossible either. I'm gonna brainstorm and see what I can throw your way which would only enhance it, anything less should just be disregarded.
Hope any of this does help. I mean well always.
Good job.
AR
Once the trimming, icing and decoration have been performed, then it will be Super tasty.
Success Mr. Smith.
It gets easier when you know where you're going, not just writing away and then realizing you have to come back to change, add or erase at random. If you pre-plot your course, filling the gaps and editing will be done within the bracket.