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One Perfect Gift
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(Based on 1 rating)
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License:
Views: 80
Comments: 17
Comments: 17
By Kate Herrell
Created 2 years, 5 hours ago
Edited 1 year, 2 months ago
Category: Short Film
Genres: Comedy, Independent
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FADE IN should be the first thing; before you write anything at all.
Is the song important to the action taking place or the character or the script in whole? If not, you might want to remove it.
Steer away from using the camera to direct us to what is happening. Try to describe things in a way that won't include the camera.
Writing a scene heading tells the reader that a transition has already occurred, so no need for the CUT TO, except you want to direct this. You might leave or remove it, your call.
You only write the name of characters in CAPITALS for the first time we get to see them, after that there is no more need.
Scene 2: Instead of saying Ellie is seen getting out of the cab...., you might want to write few words to describe this same action. This is how I would write it: Ellie steps out of the cab. Without a pause, she goes into Macy's as she easily navigates through the crowd.
Using the word "seen" kinda makes the reader dumb because it's like telling them exactly what they already know is happening. They want to be involved. Also avoid using to much of verbs in the continuous form, as in drink-ing and use the present form as in drinks....
OK, moving on. 3rd Scene: Who is doing the voice over. Make sure to write the name of the person before V.O. Like I said, beware of the CUT TO.
The MAN sitting on a massage chair is a character too.
You might wanna give the reader something that would make them attached to each character too. For example, who is Amanda?, who is Sarah?, who is David?, what do they look like? Physical descriptions might help a little bit. Even for the SALE WOMAN, you might wanna tell us she's old fat and grumpy, whatever tells us more about her....
You do have amazing writing skills I must confess, especially dialogue and also a sense of direction.
Will be back again, Note to self (page 7). I'm sure you get the gist at least a little now.
But its 5 in the morning here.
bbl.
G
Nice weaving of the wedding presents theme throughout to give the story extra meaning but I think some of this escaped me. Elle and Jen wanted to give useless presents (white elephant comment, etc.) but I didn't understand the level of animosity they held toward Julie (fiance). It left questions (not in a good way) in my mind. It's rare that guests to a wedding wrap up and give trash as presents (detestable fish statue and broken vase).
There's something compelling about this story but I felt like it veered off track. I want to understand the reasons for David's hot and cold behavior with women and to identify more with the other characters, I guess.
Admire the way you can convey the relationship and emotion between characters with a short description - i.e., Kelly scribbles on her order pad, shows it to him for confirmation and he nods, smiling. It made me think that these two are intuitively on the same page ...