Originator

Scripts from Same Idea

Nothing here right now.
Work in Progress - Pilot
(Based on 3 ratings)
License:
Views: 75
Comments: 18
Created 1 year, 11 months ago
Edited 1 month, 2 weeks ago
Category: TV Pilot
Genres: Comedy, Drama
Page / 1

Comments
ORIGINATOR
Ricky Rauls (Sent 1 year, 11 months ago)
If anyone knows more about the industry I will appreciate the input. I want this to seem authentic. Julia and Wayne are similar in tone but this is how people are portrayed on TV.
Originator found this helpful.
Patrick Brennan (Sent 1 year, 11 months ago)
It was just okay. Very dry dialogue. It's like robots are talking in most parts. The plot certainly has potential though. If you can keep with the same plot, but just make the dialogue more interesting and -since it does say this is a comedy- put in more jokes, you could have something. I noticed a fair amount of spelling mistakes and grammar errors too. Overall, it definitely has potential, but definitely needs improvement.
  • (3/5 stars)
ORIGINATOR
Ricky Rauls (Sent 1 year, 11 months ago)
I fixed the grammar and fixed some of the dialogue, but I actually wanted it to be dry humor. I prefer having the comedy be in the performance.

I hate when shows create a set up then someone makes the obvious joke. I make mention of this in the script. The second script has more slapstick jokes but I feel that this is the best way to set up the plot.
Originator found this helpful.
Patrick Brennan (Sent 1 year, 11 months ago)
Alot better. First of all, I LOVE the supers in the flashback scene. The dialogue seems a lot better and this time I could realy imagine people speaking it. I like all the jokes you added in too.

Just a few more minor things: Go through and fix spelling errors/grammatical errors. There's a few contractions that don't have apostrophes and little stuff like that. Also you call Mr.Hirschenberg Mr.Goldberg a few times.

Great job improving it. Keep up revising and building on it. I loved Arrested Development and this really reminds me of it. Keep up the good work.
Patrick Brennan (Sent 1 year, 11 months ago)
I really liked it.
  • (4/5 stars)
ORIGINATOR
Ricky Rauls (Sent 1 year, 11 months ago)
That's what I was going for. I really appreciate the comparison.
Dan Minich (Sent 1 year, 10 months ago)
I really enjoyed this. I like the dry humor.

A couple of possible typos: page 2 - "easter" instead of "eastern"; page 12 - Wayne's second line seems to be missing a word.

I like Salaam. I realize that he is probably not a reoccuring character, but I think you could get some more laughs by putting more of the broken English into more of his lines.

I look forward to reading the next episode.
Dan Minich (Sent 1 year, 10 months ago)
I really liked it.
  • (4/5 stars)
j. corpus Christ (Sent 1 year, 10 months ago)
Great premise, love the idea. But the dialogue has got to be tighter.
Micheal is a great character because you want to like him, but he keeps selling out. But Everybody in the industry in your story seams way too accommodating. There should be more bickering about money and control. Remember their out to fuck him, and ruin his dreams.

When Micheal watches his pilot on pg 12 one of his friends should really like the show.

In the beginning maybe the banner says "congrats mike! or mikey!" and his response is "congrats is not a word, and my names Micheal." To suggest he's been the smartest person around his home for a while.

Fuck you, pay me - great line, I wasn't sure what you were doing with the supers until then.

Maybe the executive is really fat and maybe he REALLY likes according to jim. Maybe theirs a reference to how crap according to Jim is earlier.

Also there should be instant conflict between Micheal and Wayne, i suggest have Micheal say to the Suit, "are you sure we need another writer?" You hit it off pretty well between them, but I say set it up.
  • (3/5 stars)
ORIGINATOR
Ricky Rauls (Sent 1 year, 10 months ago)
I understand where you're coming from. I wanted to make this a light-hearted farce of how Hollywood works. This script is more of an introduction of Michael Carter.

Also I like according to Jim, but I hate how an average show like according to Jim lasts for nine seasons while Arrested Development barely gets three. It's like if you are safe you get rewarded and if you think outside of the box you're punished.

This is just my attempt at pointing it out.
Connor Petrey (Sent 5 months, 1 week ago)
You mispelled Michael in all the character headings
ORIGINATOR
Ricky Rauls (Sent 5 months, 1 week ago)
I was not exactly sure how I wanted to spell his name since Micheal has two different spellings. I somehow ended up using both
Originator found this helpful.
Connor Petrey (Sent 5 months, 1 week ago)
The more popular name is Michael. I know 17 michaels in the states of Ohio, California and Nevada that I'm quite familar with. They all spell there name Michael
ORIGINATOR
Ricky Rauls (Sent 5 months, 1 week ago)
Thanks. I honestly thought that I only chose the one spelling. I will need to fix that.
ORIGINATOR
Ricky Rauls (Sent 5 months, 1 week ago)
Other than that did you like it? I have a season worth of episodes written already.
Connor Petrey (Sent 5 months, 1 week ago)
Yeah, it's pretty good. I'm not going to rate it with stars but out of 4 stars I'd give it 2.5/4
ORIGINATOR
Ricky Rauls (Sent 5 months, 6 days ago)
I guess I will have to punch up the dialogue. It's just hard to do when you are introducing the characters and setting up the story but it must be done.
Richie V (Sent 5 months, 6 days ago)
I enjoyed the script.

One thing, won't this script potentially offend the very industry people you are trying to sell it to?

Good luck, I thought it was good.