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The Space Between
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Views: 61
Comments: 32
Comments: 32
Created 1 year, 10 months ago
Edited 1 year, 10 months ago
Category: Short Film
Key Words: Central Dramatic Question: Is technology... Comments
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From 383,121 light years away,
AR
It is a Chapman Advanced Production Project.
They are going to shoot it the middle of April.
I really need to get on it. After the Oscars. LOL.
Thanks for giving me a quick read.
Looking mighty good thus far. I'll return soon to re-engage.
:)
Here are some notes for you.
Page 1,
Very cool beginning, but if you're going to write...
It enters single file as the MEMBERS OF THE HIGH COUNCIL
you need to add '. They take their places, or its difficult to read.
Page 2,
I know your characters are in a bad situation just be wary of using too many !!!
That was all format wise.
Ok so story.
What I think you have here is a good tale, but I really don't get the beginning in the docks. I must have missed something here. What is he supposed to have done. Yeah he jetisons the body into space, but what else? I don't understand it. They are gods who rule for a day, and Taino is left? She's the good one right? Or is she the bad one and thats why they end up in the docs?
Maybe this one is a little complicated for me lol. Or maybe it should really be longer. And you don't need the dock scene and then flashback. Not so sure.
Ummmm will read it again, in a bit see if it sits any easier.
Dawn
Not sure I follow your notes though.
To answer your questions however.
There are only speaking roles for four characters and two extras.
Two locations. Ten pages. (give or take a half) and six days to shoot it.
Prompt: Need a story that includes indians in outer space. Set pieces: A teepee and a spaceship. Genre: Douglas Adams type contemplative comedy.
Is "docks" (trial, court) in British parlance?
Xenocide=murder of an alien... its an Orson Scott Card reference. And his word. For geeky science fiction people like me. Maybe I should just say murder.
Taino is not left, she is next in line... hence second daughter. Yeah maybe I should be a bit more clear.
OK, although GNAT does say she is the "the good squaw"... play on squaw=female indian. Clarity. Got it.
They are in court because Cogburn shot and killed someone and shove them into the airlock.
The crime of murder was captured on solid state recorders and would be subject to being reviewed when they docked. But if I have to do all that explaining then perhaps I need to rewrite that.
Its early here for me though.
Thanks again though I appreciate it.
Namaste,
G
The court scene is completely unnecessary. You paint Cogburn so well that when he says "what could go wrong?" you know something's about to go really wrong. That implication is enough.
An astrolabe? Really? Even painting a semi-satirical picture of sci-fi like you've done, an astrolabe is too much.
Yeah, I know a femtosec's really fast I couldn't think of anything and didn't change it.
Sure does sound kewl though.
Yeah I guess everyone's right on the courtroom scene.
What? An astrolabe in outer space! Its possible. LOL.
Thanks for reading my stuff.
I appreciate you taking the time.
Namaste,
G
Yeah I think always best to be clear, and you got it right with the British to American stuff too. Sorry.
D
Looks great,
Cody
Yeah those damn page constraints.
If I just had more pages...LOL.
Kewl though. I am certain it will get shredded down to nothing like On A Pale Horse did.
I think this can be better developed also if I had had more time. I know I need to cut the courtroom scene. Although I think its fine it probably doesn't add anything to the script
Thanks for reading my stuff.
Namaste.
G
AR
Your a great writer though. Scifi's not my cup of tea
Is this supposed to be a 12 page limit or something? If so, you need to trim this down a little, or redo the ending. Just my humble opinion, of course... :)
Peace and Blessings...
DA
Namaste,
G
Yeah there is actually a ten page limit. I added two pages in front of the editing... LOL.
I think it does need some tweaking to the end its true. I want to see what the director's says.
I sort like the two characters collecting "aliens" from around the universe. I can see where it'd be kewl to spend some time with them. Thanks for that.
Thanks for reading my stuff.
namaste,
G
Nice comedy moments.
Bits need expandin / explaining.
Is that it all, or are you going to do a full screenplay?
I spotted a few other things that current formatting protocol frowns on.
If you like, I can send you a full review/critique.
Cheers,
Ian FW
However, I reckon it could be excellent as a feature film.
Ian FW
Sure thing. Yeah that's about where I am going to go with it.
It was something that I rushed to do for someone here at school.
Kewl, send your formatting corrections and all.
I have no ego when it comes to writing as I am impervious to criticism. LOL.
I see your other comment. I do that all the time.
Apologies if any of this seems pedantic… I like the story - a lot…
The dialogue runs smoothly and is quite entertaining. Some “…†might work better as interruptions “--“. E.g. page 10. That would also negate the need for the intervening action line.
Title: Works fine for me.
Page 1: Very good opening. Hooked me right from the off!
“Silence weighs heavy…†a little too descriptive for audio-visuals. Just “Silence†would do.
How do you ‘show’ “judge, condemn� If all of the eyes belong to the Council, you don’t have to say how many. If there are others in the room, tell us who they are.
Why not run the montage as a SERIES OF SHOTS? Gunfire would be blasterfire; differentiates from regular firearm sound effects.
“Silent and endlessâ€, “a tiny spec of technologyâ€, “fusionâ€, “suspended weightlessly†not really necessary. You are writing a screenplay not a novel. Too much description.
“Thenâ€, not necessary. Just say “…splutters, goes outâ€
Page 2: More superfluous descriptions. “Even by futuristic standards…â€, “It doesâ€,
Don’t think italics are allowed.
You could do a close-up of the display. Not sure if CAPS might work better for this, or else in quotes? Will have to check.
Page 3: Drop the passive “-ing†in your Action lines. It’s okay for Dialogue. This happens later on in the script too.
I assumed Taino was a boy. Might be an idea to give their gender after their age.
“American†rather than “Americaâ€.
Cogburn grabs a blaster off a weapons rack, but later on he holsters it, so presumably he took “…a blaster gun and belt off the weapon rack, buckles it round his waist. Picks up a palmtop computer…†?
EXT. HILLTOP - DAY. Missing “DAYâ€.
Page 8: “The ship enters deep spaceâ€. “Has entered†is not present tense.
Page 9: use “-“ between APONI and AFT CABIN, not “,â€
How do the tentacles disappear into Taino’s body? Meld?
I like the way Cogburn shoots first and asks questions later =)
Taino seems to take the death of her father pretty well. Needs reasoning. Dialogue?
What does she do to “prepare†his body.
Use character names instead of “he†and “she†to clarify situations.
Gnat has tentacles??
Page 11: “You’re fired.†Best line in the script, I laughed out loud =)
“Gnat and Taino talk.†What are they saying? Opportunity to elaborate on what’s going on.
Page 12: The whole first and second daughter (good and evil) does not make sense if Taino is the second daughter.
Should there be a “THE END†in the bottom left, line below FADE OUT?
Cheers
Ian.
Disclaimer: I am by no means an expert, in fact, I have only finished one movie script so far, but all the above are things I’ve picked up from other critics, writers, readers, teachers.
No problems. I understand your comments.
However while I am usually not defensive when it come to my writing I must state here that some of what was done was in an effort to A) save page space and B) knowing that this is not a spec script but the first draft of a shooting one.
Your formatting comments otherwise if this were to be submitted to a production company would be spot on. And I appreciate them.
Thanks.
Namaste,
G
The story I loved, the characters are great and your writing style enjoyable as usual. Good, natural and humurous dialogue as expected.
What I find offbeat from the entire plot is the ending. It doesn't provide the desired closing segment effect. I understand what you're trying to say, but, I'm sure that you can modify it to convey the same idea in a more appropriate translation. I feel it boils down to two key moments, how or why Amokten dies as one, then something that Taino can add or do that correlates. Allow me to expand on this.
Gnat feeds us input that Amokten is to be understood as more than a biological entity, stated a god, a deity of some sort. I gather there is some extraordinary abilities or Divine Power in relation. So, I have been imprinted that this person or whatever it is cannot be bound by mere physical laws of physics. So, I was discouraged when Cogburn simply unholster and BANG! Dead god??? Again, time constraint made this act seem entirely forced. This vector needs to be the crucial critical moment where the tapestry is woven together, since now it feels to me where it became undone.
You're the expert of your own story, I'm basically sharing how I feel, you must do what you feel its right of course Greg Bi Wan.
What if that event in itself held the key. Amokten was already ready for 'The Sleep', so perhaps his time to evolve was near anyway. What if Cogburn enters the Aft Cabin as a result of the Aponi's systems readings going haywire, seeing Amokten's final moments before his dematerialization and spiritual convergenge with the fabric of the cosmos. Gnat was accidentally caught in the molecular force field and instead of shooting Amokten, Cogburn risks his life by entering the field, pulling Gnat from it and the recoil sending crashing into the wall.
A contradiction of his murder trial, since we now know he was a hero. A god remains gloryfied and the court scene now makes much better sense. It reads better if a New Planet appears later on the story after a mysterious entity dematerializes rather that a god be shot. You wouldn't have to use the airlock sequences to dispose of a dead god anymore and allow yourself some time-crunch for new sequences.
The end still needs polishing for something still lacks as the final and most befitting piece of the puzzle. Perhaps the advantage for Taino to link it all together somehow and then give full-closure to this story.
I know it kinda diverts the crime issue since the solid-state recordes would not capture any shooting, but perhaps you can twist that around by adding a line to the intro stating that visual recording revealed the demise of a being, not necessarily by shooting.
I have high praise for this story, and always take my contributions simply as bonus tracks. Hahahahahaha. Only hope I can assist you somehow. As always, very good work Greg.
Cordially,
AR
You get the idea. Best of luck with this work, whatever the final version becomes. I always enjoy them anyway.
Success Mr. G.
AR
First, I liked the story and think it works well. Since you're doing this as a project though, I thought I'd offer some of my thoughts, if only for the sake of giving you a chance to consider them and reaffirm your belief in your own choices.
Here we go...
The courtroom scene isn't necessary so it should be cut. Cogburn's sarcastic last line implies things won't work out, so the opening flash-forward is kinda redundant.
If you're set on it, keep it, but tell the whole story through flashback. Use voice overs and cut back to the court occasionally to keep us grounded there.
Since Cogburn appears to be a "collector" of some sort, you could go hard-core and make him a slaver. That would help insofar as really solidifying his want in bringing the two mysterious Indians on board.
If Amotken and Taino's teepee was set in the middle of a bunch of crashed and abandoned ships, it could serve your story twofold. First, Cogburn and Gnat would see it on the scans and head there looking for spare parts. It gives them a more concrete reason for landing there than the way things stand now. Second, it implies that Amotken may have crashed many ships there in search of "the right one." He could even speak of their "search." Then you've got these two separate parties who, on the deepest of levels, were actually looking for each other.
Maybe consider cutting down on the theological back-story of Amotken and Taino. I'd try and simplify it. It'd probably be a perfect fit for a feature length script where you can explore all the nuances of the fable, but in just ten pages, it's overwhelming. Also, because of the limited space, it has be told entirely through exposition, which isn't optimal. Overall, in such tight quarters, it just feels like we're being beaten over the head with it.
Good or not, emotional or not, god or not, I think Taino takes Amotken's death too easily. Too creepily. (is that a word?) She was emotional when he was shot, so I think she should at least be a bit resentful toward Cogburn. I'm all with her being quiet and trying to hide her emotion, and I get her suggesting the airlock because Amotken is going to be a planet, it's just that she's over it all too quick.
Also, she maybe fades too much into the background toward the end of the story. Maybe explore making her a more important piece and/or influence in Cogburn deciding to return to Earth? idk, just thoughts.
Gnat and Cogburn are great. Their relationship feels real, which is awesome. Consider tossing in a quick line where the ship doesn't respond to one of Cogburn's voice commands until Gnat asks it nicely. It would add another dimension to the crap Cogburn has to put up with and if Gnat has so much personality, there's no reason the ship couldn't as well.
Consider exploring a more traditional theme, something that mirrors actual American/Indian history... i.e. if Amotken and Taino were instead the last survivors of some long lived race and were being "relocated" off heir planet for some reason. Of course, that's Avatar, isn't it? Well, you catch my meaning...
Good luck with this. As I said, I like it now and I'm confident it'd be accepted well even if there weren't any changes.
Good deal with the tie in for cosmic god death. I am laughing just reading the "pull a gun, BANG!, dead god line." I think that is the funniest thing I've ever written. I still laugh. I think its cause I can see it so clearly in my head. And my head is such a twisted playground.
Your points are so well founded and logical however, I have decided to re write this piece using them.
I think its an interesting juxtaposition (Native American folklore and distant future)... I think that if I made the two of them continue and go further collecting all say all "9 Billion Names of God" or that sort of a quest that this would be a very funny sort of quirky sci fi movie that I would enjoy seeing made.
The end bothers me also and I think that you have provided some real insight that make sense for me to explore.
Also my man JE caught me redhanded with the femtoseconds thing so I gotta change that.
I want to play with "Docks" idea that Dawn gave me. In deference to Douglas Addams. i have already mentioned the 9 billion names of God short story as a sort of twisted way to moniker the piece. Lot of stuff here. I need to get to the drawing board and see what I can do with it all.
Thanks for reading my stuff.
My Man.
Your insight into story and your ideas on their improvement never ceases to amaze me.
Love the crashed ships idea and the last on the reservation metaphor. It is Avatar... LOL. But better. LOL.
Yeah I sorta got myself in a pickle with the hairs and and five daughters and how to plausibly tell that all in ten pages. I even tried to make fun of it in a "who's on first" abbott and costello reference. Because even I myself was like there is no way we are gonna be able to pull this off in ten pages. Without "black holes" in the story line.
I like also the she aspect of the ship and it having to be "massaged" into functioning properly by GNAT which is why "he" thinks "it" is a "she" LOL.
Right now today if I had my druthers... and I do... I think you are spot on on the hard core slavers thing for Gnat and Cogburn. I think it gives them enough of a flaw but we still like them cause they are somehow needy of each other and funny together.
I like the AR idea for Amokten's death its just now what to do what to do about Taino. LOL. Poor little sentient god. LOL. I get you all though I guess I do have to make her outwardly either apathetic or outwardly emotional but she cant be both. My thinking is that she was supposed to be totally good. So she couldn't be nasty right back to Cogburn but her dad took a blastershot... so what's a writer to do... I need to rethink this.
So Long and Thanks For All The Fish-food(... for thought)
Yes I did just do that.
LOL.
Namaste,
G
Caprica rocks socks, right now.
But enough about me....
Thanks for reading my stuff, EPS. I really appreciate that.
Thanks for the kudos too.
Point well taken on "the squaw" thing. Got it. Out of his character. True.
I am kinda excited to rewrite this one. Soon.
Thanks again.
Namaste,
G