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Semi Different Pilot
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Views: 16
Comments: 2
Comments: 2
Created 1 year, 10 months ago
Edited 1 year, 10 months ago
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So I assume if this will be a pilot you're shooting for 45-60 pages? If so, I'd say you're off to a good start. Here are some things I caught--don't want to seem like a prick or anything, but I assume that's why you put the script up here--so here ya go, hope it helps:
SLUG LINES
First off, that first scene needs a slug line. Just turn the "Black." you have into a slug line with BLACK SCREEN or something like that.
The rest of your slug lines-- they need trimming. All that information is not supposed to be in there. All you need is INT. LOCATION - TIME. Now I think I understand why you have those two other pieces of info in there-- to convey they are from different locations and the passing of time? This is great for the story, but unfortunately, the audience won't be seeing this. I think that it will come off that they are in different locations to start, so you should be good there. As for the time, I think you oughtta hold off on anything until you get to the point where you have it in 2010. It's not so much important to convey whether it's 2009 or 10, just the passing of time in between the do--which you could do on-screen with a subtitle or something. (Which you would add in the description lines).
TENSES
You slip in and out of tense in the description and dialog at times. For description, stay in the present tense. Here for example: "MALECH is seen pushing a trolley down an aisle as she eyed up the items. He casually walked** along the aisle as he came to the open fridges." -- **He casually walks along...
BEATS
I know the temptation to but beats in. Try to avoid it. Especially from an actor's point of view, they will usually just ignore them. Actor's will usually deliver if you have enough of your character there on the page.
CUT TOs/TRANSITIONS
You don't need these, especially the Cut Tos. Its a given if you have a new slugline. Now a fade to black, cut to black, or etc... can be used if there is a very specific reason you are doing it (seems you've got one in you're second to last scene), other than that, you need nothing. Also, if you have it, it would just be "FADE TO:" or "CUT TO:" as opposed to "FADES" etc.
CAMERA DIRECTION/DESCRIPTION LINES
Just tell us what we see. (but also avoid using "we"). And stay as trim as possible. For example, "Mitchell is sitting there, staring at his old military uniform..." --> "Mitchell sits, staring at his old military uniform"
Avoid giving camera directions. You're not the director. And if you are, you'll know what you want and don't need it in the script. I know sometimes it can be hard to get around--if you want a slow dolly into a room from another room in the same scene (which is what I'm am currently working around)-- but really try and find away to do it.
DO NOT explain stuff in description lines. "A young woman that we later know as VERONICA is seen running down the street in horror." --> "A young woman, VERONICA, is seen running down the street in horror." Sorry if this is sporadic but I'm just giving notes as I recall them--all your characters need an age also in their intros. So-- "A young woman, VERONICA, 18, is seen running down the street in horror."
Again, explaining stuff: "Annie stands to one side, looking strangely out of place in her new home. You would think she'd get used to living here now it has been almost a month." First, it would be hard to shoot someone "looking strangely out of place," second, "You think she'd..." -- that needs to go. Definitely should not be in description, or anywhere for that matter. Avoid exposition and show us things.
Same with MALECH, you do not want to say "he could feel himself getting lighter." Give a more visual description, we can't see his feelings, but we could see him surprised or something like that.
Well, that's all I've got for now. Wow, that was a lot. I really hope it helps, and again, I don't mean to be a prick or anything, I know I like feedback on my work. Just so it doesn't get drowned out--
First of all, I'd like to say, great concept. I like how you've done all the character introductions. They gave you a good idea of where the characters come from right in the beginning, and that's what you want. Always be establishing stuff from the start. Also, your use of voiceover was good, not too expository.
(Yeah, its copy and pasted, gimme a break, I just wrote a ton. And just woke up.)