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The Miseducation of Ellen Finn
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(Based on 1 rating)
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Views: 152
Comments: 15
Comments: 15
By Ricky Rauls
Created 1 year, 10 months ago
Edited 9 months, 3 weeks ago
Category: Feature Film
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Thanks,
Ryan
Now to your script ---
Although technically, FADE IN is a transition, it should go to left of the page, not the right like normal transitions.
The action lines are pretty good. It could use a little tightening, but it's okay. There are instances where one sentence basically says the same thing as another, and a few action lines that don't provide good visuals.
Example: "ELLIOT HANSON (20)- Athletic, handsome, and tall black male - is on the prowl for vulnerable young women. He circles the club like a lion tracking its prey." Those two sentences express the same thought. The line "He circles the club like a lion..." provides a great visual for me.
Try, ELLIOT HANSON 20, a tall, athletic and handsome black male, circles the club like a lion tracking its prey, as he searches for women.
There's too much conversation in the first sequence and some of the dialogue in OTN(On the Nose) -- I should know because I'm guilty of this at times... lol
If you don't feel comfortable with the word, "pussy," find a synonym for it.
What's up with all the CREDIT ROLLS stuff? That is for a shooting script. On page five, where you have "SUPER: Nine months later..." there should be a new slug line before the SUPER denoting that we are inside of the delivery room of a hospital.(BTW, unless you're writing this for porn or Cinemax After Dark, it maybe too graphic. That's just an opinion.)
Don't you think five minutes in the same scene is a little exhausted? Major scenes shouldn't be no longer than three pages. The average scenes last a minute to a minute and a half.
You are using SUPERIMPOSE TOO MUCH. Not good. Elements like Super, Intercut, Inserts, Flashbacks, Montage, Series of Shots, should be used sparingly and only when necessary. You don't have to show a time jump by SUPER. Time change can be revealed through dialogue and action as well. The fact that Ellen is in labor infers that it's at least nine months later, because when we met her, she didn't appear pregnant. Be creative with how you provide information and how you move the story forward.
Okay I've covered ten pages. The first half of act one. By this time, your main characters' goals should be established and clear. What are their goals? I think the problem stems from a five page(five minute) opening sequence. You have to get in and out of the opening sequence by page 3... 3 1/2 at the latest.
My advice, complete this first draft so that you can get your story out of your mind and onto paper. Then, I suggest that you lose all camera angles and other transitions outside of cut to. The director knows how he or she will transition from scene to scene. Your job is to write a great story filled with lots of action and fresh dialogue that moves the story forward at a reasonable pace. If you allow your script to get bogged down in long exhausted scenes, you will lose the reader. If you lose the reader, then there is a great chance that you would lose the audience as well.
Remember when writing formally, less is better and always show not tell.
Good luck and keep writing...
Peace and Blessings...
DA
The only "transitions" you ever need to know are:
FADE IN:, FADE OUT:, and THE END
Those seven things are enough for greatness to evolve from your keyboard.
All the rest is trickery.
Just write the story... With those things.
Namaste,
G
Sorry if I come off brash at times.
I grew up in NY.
LOL.
G
I am a beginnings person. Its your story, your world, your rules. Let's get down to how it all starts:
Page One:
You use BLACK SCREEN and then SUPER right out the gate.
SUPER stands for ‘superimpose’. It is used to indicate writing that is supposed to appear on screen on top of the images. And therefore not a black screen as there are no images.
Both the Lauren Hill quote and "Typical Boy meets Girl" should be CARD(s).
First scene heading:
INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
That's it. You don't get anymore than that. If it is important to the story to know that it is a town in a certain locale, you can use SUPER: "AUSTIN, TEXAS".
Under this and all scene headings if you are going to describe a location, you set that up first. What about the club is important? People dancing? Is it packed? What's it look like? It's your world, set it up for the reader. Here's why:
You start with a nightclub. I get that. The hero (because he's introduced first) is looking for women. King of the pride sort of a deal. Get that too. Sees a lonely, lame, away from her herd, gazelle drinking at this local watering hole. He decides to track her down and he is stopped in the midst of the hunt by his wingman. I get that too.
However, if we're going into this partnership (the reader and the writer) eventually the audience and the filmmaker you should tell us more about where we are at. What kinda club is it hoochy mamas and hookers or is it working girls letting loose. What are people drinking? How much are they drinking? Is it thick? If so is the floor packed? What's it look like inside? What's the DJ doing can you see him? How late is it? ....
All of this back story also helps describe the characters more. If you go to a club you go there because you either a associate with the crowd that's there, they are your peers in a sense or you go there because you want to be associated with the crowd that's there, you are trading up in a sense. You never go to a club that is beneath your station in life. At least not consistently.
So did Elliot walk through the door? Has he been standing here scoping out the entire place and now is moving on something? And if so why isn't he tearing Sean's head off when he stopped him? Have they had this discussion before? Have they been friends for a long time? Why does this dude always wind up cock blocking him? I don't get that and I should. It feels a bit talky and that's OK for a first draft and as you go back to it I think you'll see that if you answer some questions about your two characters in the scene they'll react differently toward each other.
Elliot:"What's up?"
Sean: "Let's bounce. There's nothing in here"
Elliot: "Nothing for you? I'm about to go holla at that."
Sean: "Man, there ain't one fine girl in here"
Elliot: (laughs) " I ain't trying to get married. I'm just smashin'"
Sean: Well, I ain't runnin up in nothin' less its a dime.
Elliot: And that's why your ass is always broke.
(Elliot leaves)
Its two in the morning here. But some dialogue like that goes a long way. It portends Elliot's future. It says something about their relationship, has comedic value and payoff... Not trying to write for you... just giving you a suggestion.
I like that you introduced two more characters, their dialogue a little on the nose and expository but better relationship wise. Some of it can go away in the rewrite but if it aint on the page it aint on the stage. Better to write and have it than to have to manufacture it. I will be back for that tomorrow. It's late.
I hope this helps so far.
Namaste, G