Originator

Scripts from Same Idea

Nothing here right now.
Humble Pie
(Based on 4 ratings)
License:
Views: 114
Comments: 10
Created 1 year, 10 months ago
Edited 1 year, 4 months ago
Category: Feature Film
Genres: Comedy, Drama, Romance
Key Words: College, break-up, star wars, bruce campbell, comic book, moxy fruvous
Page / 1

Comments
CENSORED (Sent 1 year, 8 months ago)
I liked up to Page 20, which is all I've read so far; nice writing style, good humor, interesting characters.
  • (5/5 stars)
Originator found this helpful.
CENSORED (Sent 1 year, 8 months ago)
Hi J. Andrew,
I preface any comments here by telling you I am a novice.

Why do you need a narrator? Why not just jump and stay into the story? If narrator, should you put (O.S.), or is Chris' voice off-state? It must be as he is in the action being filmed.

First important slug does not identify school, just QUAD, and many of your other slugs do not indicate day or night (there are windows in dorm rooms - is director to film the sun or moon coming through them?). There should be a dash (-) after scene location and time.
INT. QUAD - DAY

typo, page 3 - 'rents - dropped ' after letter s.
Your English Major Paige on Page 13 says: "Her and Chris...." Should be She and Chris....

Again, 61 pages completed; you need between 90 and 110 or 120. I wouldn't show your well-written, funny script to your college friend producer until it is finished, so that he is wowed by it and moves on it quickly for you.

I've read only to Page 20; be back to read more soon. Keep writing!
ORIGINATOR
J Andrew World (Sent 1 year, 8 months ago)
Censored, Thank you for your comments. I know the script falls short of how long it needs to be, I feel I need some criticism before I return to write the next draft. Everyone has been very positive over all, but no one has said anything bad other then spelling errors.

As for a narrator, some of my favorite films, such as A Clockwork Orange, Stand by Me, and TV shows like How I met your Mother and The Wonder Years. It allowed me to go off in tangents that are amusing to me that I couldn't , or shouldn't explore. It also allowed me to comment on events in a way I couldn't do with people in the scene. Seeing as how I am looking to a moment in the nineties, it allows me to also put in hindsight that couldn't be written with in the scene.
Originator found this helpful.
Connor Martin (Sent 1 year, 8 months ago)
OK. I'm going to be honest. There is something really great here, and I'm not too good at lengthy comments. But the reason I gave it a 3 is basically because of formatting and specificity. I don't know if your aiming towards into something professional, but details in Action etc. aren't encouraged by studio execs, they prefer to leave that to the directors. You really a clear and unique style of writing and have managed to make a unique College drama(A RARE FEAT) but you really should refine it more. The jokes in here flow like clockwork but you could tweak the dialogue. I may be wrong, you don't to take my advice, btu great job.
  • (3/5 stars)
Originator found this helpful.
Kevin Kearns (Sent 1 year, 6 months ago)
Good job. Formst and spelling errors and some weak dialogue hold it back but there is potential
  • (3/5 stars)
Originator found this helpful.
Ethan Henry (Sent 1 year, 6 months ago)
28 pages in buddy, and i am loving ANDY haha. You seem to have a great film/tv knowledge and it's a cool point for dialog. I will continue to read tomorrow. Check out soem of my scripts if your free sometime and drop a comment. Thanks.
Originator found this helpful.
Michael B. Winn (Sent 1 year, 6 months ago)
I only read the first ten pages, and I too am a novice (nothing sold, but have written for a few years). I like the tone -and the chracters definitely come through as individuals. However watch out for the following:
I have been told a screenplay is not the place for camera shots it is the place to tell a story. If I were you I would lose them in future drafts, it show you are not confident in your story.
Also, carefull about repeating words too often, like "Ummm" and "Sure". While that may be real-life it is not helping your cause.
And finally I have one specific criticism, and it is Chris Mom's only line. Really? She would say that? It will make her come accross as a stereotype /cartoon character. Rework that line, make her snobby, or a bitch. But her line as it is now is not realisitic.
Hey I read some more. The dialog is very good. You obviously have a good knowledge of film and what filsm you like. But remember the golden rule in screenplays: SHOW DON'T TELL- scene in cafeteria where gang talks about Andy's one man show at Taco bar of Little Mermaid? If it is that funny, the audience should see it. Show Don't tell. (and: good things come in threes, but that is for another time).
Originator found this helpful.
D James (Sent 1 year, 6 months ago)
This was great. It was hilarious I would love to see this in theaters. Andy was a great character and I really like the narration. There were many mistakes though and some of the dialogue didn't fit too well. Clean it up and remove the camera angles and you're in good shape. Keep up the good work.
Originator found this helpful.
Cameron Tracy (Sent 1 year, 5 months ago)
Given that comedy is subjective (and I suck at it) I'm going to avoid any criticism of the humour.
The first thing that springs to mind is that there is a lot of stuff that would be determined by the director. This is fine if you intend to direct the film... but if not, a lot of it can be removed. Along with the camera angles, which have already been pointed out, specifying specific songs for the soundtrack might not be the best idea, as along with the aesthetics of the director there are also licensing issues to consider.
Generally speaking, the dialogue is pretty good, but there are some lines that seem a bit out of place. The best recommendation I can think of would be to find three or four people to read through the script aloud; the pieces that don't mesh well will stand out to you, so that you can revise them as you see fit.
The biggest criticism I can offer is that there are scenes and poritions of scenes that don't seem to have a purpose, by which I mean that they aren't integral to the plot, characters, or setting, and they don't seem to be set-ups for jokes. Ms. Wend's appearance early on is a good example: if she's important (or if you can think of good comedic material for her), she should have more to say. Otherwise, she can be removed. In my opinion, padding like this is fine in a comedy, as long as it's funny enough to justify its being there (though you shouldn't go overboard).
Most of the other stuff that comes to mind at the moment is specific stuff I would want to change, which makes me inclined to write such suggestions off as matters of taste.
There's definitely something to what you've got here; I look forward to seeing what you end up doing with it.
Originator found this helpful.
Shogun. (Sent 1 year, 4 months ago)
I loved it!
  • (5/5 stars)