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All Eccentrics
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(Based on 3 ratings)
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License:
Views: 87
Comments: 25
Comments: 25
By Stripes
Created 3 years, 8 months ago
Edited 2 years, 3 months ago
Category: Feature Film
Idea: Numbers of the Dial
Key Words: 1940s, retro, 20th century, twentieth century Comments
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Uh...
... okay.
Not much to say, here. I think I pretty much said it all in the idea I posted for this script.
Just the beginning, so far... six pages, I think. Does the beginning grab you? Draw you in? Catch your attention? Make you wonder?
Or do I epic fail and you couldn't stomach the first two sentences?
(PS: I'm deciding to go with a bit of a darker undertone than my first intention. Not like you even know what my first intention was. BUT STILL.)
Something that you probably already know... it's going to be very important to sprinkle little defining details of the time throughout the script. And this means speech patterns as well. For example: when Kyure says "It doesn't look like we'll be able to finish the tour," I would think it would be more 1940-ish for him to say something like "It does not appear that we have time to complete the tour." I don't know exactly how speech differs now from then, but I'm sure it's evolved quite a bit. Looking forward to reading more though. I like the mood of the piece.
You hint that something has happened to Mom, but don't give away too much. I am intersted in reading more.
Keep writing, Dawn
A.T.: Thanks for the compliments. : ))) And, yeah, still working on the 1940s... thing. I was never one to research. But at least I got the camera thing!
Oh yes. I'm so accomplished.
Dawn: Thank you too for the wonderful comment. <3 And also for the warning. For the past couple hours I've been on the brink of having Alice give the whole thing away, just for the sake of myself.
But I'll keep it a half-secret. I'm planning on never directly revealing it.
... Hopefully. :D
Which quite clearly you shouldn't be.
As far as the piece goes, you paint good pictures. You know that. Frankly I think you're ahead enough in your craft to not present eight pages with the Zhura crowd looking over your shoulder. You know where you're going with this story (even if it's not clear to me) so let us wait until you can show us eighty pages. Take it away to Personal until you're ready to reveal the whole story, or at least enough of the gist of it.
Because this business of staring at the screen waiting for comments is deadly. If you were able to ignore the rubberneckers and press on regardless, fine, write in Public. But it seems you're not, so don't.
My two cents worth.
Screenwriting is largely about structure, and that hasn't emerged yet from this, so I can't give you much in the way of useful comments. I'll just note that I would have written "...her pride OF ownership IN such an object...". And "...is DEVOID of a mouth..."
Exactly the sort of nitpicking you can expect if you put up eight pages, and a very good reason for keeping them to yourself and pressing on in private.
Is this contrary to the spirit of Zhura? Perhaps. But I'd argue that writing eight pages and waiting and waiting for the bouquets and brickbats to come flying in your direction is contrary to the spirit of writing.
The first draft of anything is crap. If you're lucky. If you're unlucky the first draft is brilliant, so brilliant you daren't change anything and you're stuck with this brilliant dead thing. And that goes double, triple, quadruple, whatever, for the first draft of anybody's first eight pages.
That's another two cents worth. You owe me four cents.
--
Chris
Before I get started on a story, I want people to pick apart the beginning. That way I can get it just right. Maybe not the formatting, maybe not the way I write it... but the plot.
Then I'm planning to drag this into personal and work on it. But before I put up eighty pages, I want to be sure people will be intrigued to read it.
And thanks for the grammar picks. : ) I'll change those quick.
Confused me a bit but I'll give it a read anyway and see if I can figure it out.
I like the fact the opening and I've only read a small bit, (I'm off to bed)
I like the way I can see it as a darker type of fantasy as you said yourself, darker undertones.
It's more of an eye catcher in my opinion. :)
As I was reading these few pages, you managed to conjure up images of some of my favorite movies/books/and plays all with one introduction. The line about the fairy really is perfect. Once again, you have a wonderful way with color.
Keep it going hun, you have a nicely developing plot here.
Dawn
Jessica: Oh, wow, thanks! <: ) I love working with colours.
Dawn: Thank you very much. :D
How can I explain this, it's slow moving but not in a bad way you know, like I was distracted by the relationship between the three and then when the beast showed up I was like 'Oh ya this is a fantasy script isn't it?" hope that makes sense that the character's draw me in enough to forget about the mystery of the place :)
I'll put it like this, that this is the second example of you making really interesting characters that they are SLIGHTLY like the ones in THE HAPPY PROJECT (forgotten the names sorry) and they were very good if you ever finish that, hint hint :)
One thing is and it's only a small point, when the beast showed up I didn't know what he looked like, I just guessed a werewolf but it would've been nice to know more, especially after reading about oil dripping from his mouth, a nice touch :)
Oh, Happy Project... I'll try to work on that one at some point :) I'd really hate to ditch it. I just wrote myself into a corner.
People tell me I'm a good writer but I think that is just to make me feel good about myself. Maybe not.
You're really good though and never let my discussions upset you. Maybe you could add a little more life to some of my descriptive action lines?
Good Stuff!
Chad
And I'll try not to get upset, next time. I do take things personally, even if a comment isn't aimed directly at me. My logic is this:
"It's aimed at everyone. This must mean it's aimed at me."
But, all of that aside... I thank you. <: ) Very much. That's a wonderful compliment.
I commenting because I noticed your comment about writting yourself into a corner and thought I'd share a tip that works for me...I call it the Butterfly Effect. (original, huh?)
I learned that when I hit that spot where I can't seem to move the story forward any longer, I should just go back to the last decision the protagonist made and see what happens if it were changed. Not changed to the point where it’s out of character for the protagonist mind you, just different.
What if they turned left instead of right? Said yes instead of no? Lied instead of told the truth? Walked instead of drove? Stairs vs. Elevator? Coffee instead of tea? You get my point…it can be some silly mundane decision, but have significant implications on the rest of the story.
Edit:
or this in fact may do nothing, in which case I am full of crap and just wasted your time
Jeez, I can't believe I didn't think of that. It's so cool. :D
Keep going this has great potential and I am sure it will be worth it in the end. It really is an amazing feeling when you have finished a feature.
Good luck hun, and keep writing.
Dawn
Okay, you've got 17 pages at the time I write this. And I don't remember reading about the idea before you started, so maybe my eyes will be fresh for the script as is.
You have that kind of writing style that borders on being preferable for a novel but still works amazingly well for a screenplay. I want to criticize it for being too wordy, but you've effectively used it to draw me in, so I can't!
I'm reminded of "Pan's Labyrinth" when I read this. I'm reminded of its style and its balance of fantasy and reality. I loved Pan's Labyrinth...
I did get confused at, or around page 12, though. The introduction of the monster and its apparent connection to Kyure is clear enough, but when we cut from Kyure reacting to being hit on the head, back to Alice and the monster, we find the monster restrained by chains and handcuffs? I missed something in the transition.
That having been said, I think you've got something strong here. I love the opening sequence that introduces us to Alice. I love her voiceover. I love your characterizations.
I'm refraining from rating this because I feel it's too soon. At minimum, I would give you 4 stars at this point. Would like to see what happens next, though.
DJ
Yeah, there's some issues in there like that. And I'm sorry they're still in there. Originally, the monster thing was restrained. But in his most recent designs I've nixed that, as it becomes a distraction and serves no real purpose.
I'll edit those out sometime. <: ) Thanks for the rating and compliments!
It's got it's own vibe which is creepy and fantastical at the same time. I also imagined a huge Chronicles Of Narnia mansion when suddenly I got a massive overwhelming Pan's Labyrinth feel as it went along. Either way it doesn't matter both of them were great movies.
I really like it so far. Sooooooo keep it up.